Though Gawker.com is not technically in the business of sophisticated financial analysis of the global economy, we must report to you this morning that it may be time to panic.

China’s stock market, almost universally acknowledged to be one of the world’s foremost bubbles, dropped more than 7% today, which is enough to cause widespread speculation that the bubble is popping, but not enough to make Chinese stocks a good investment.

Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long (or until an enormous saw blade physically prevents me from doing so). That is a terrifying actual thing that happened to a driver last week on the Chongqing expressway in central China: a large circular saw blade buried itself a foot and a half deep into the hood of his truck, forcing him to stop. The man was reportedly shaken, but unhurt.

Uber warned its drivers in China last Friday to stay away from mass protests against the ride-sharing service in the interest of “social order,” and threatened to fire any driver caught lingering near a protest scene, the Wall Street Journal reports. The company said it intended to enforce the order by tracking drivers’ GPS records to catch anyone who might disobey.

Just one day after a report that a Chinese-affiliated online attack had seized sensitive information about literally every federal employee from the Office of Personnel Management, another bomb drops: these same hackers also grabbed classified security clearance applications, filled with deeply private data.

A breach of U.S. government computers—presumably launched by China—is looking immensely worse than first expected. The AP reports that a federal employee’s union now says literally every single government worker is the victim of an enormous personal information heist.

Since righting the vessel on Friday, rescue personnel have recovered hundreds of bodies from a capsized passenger ship on the Yangtze River, bringing the official death toll to 406 as of Saturday, the L.A. Times reports. According to the Associated Press, this makes the Eastern Star disaster the country’s deadliest maritime accident since 1948.

Only 15 passengers have been rescued from the cruise ship that capsized yesterday in China’s Yangtze River. Five bodies have been recovered, and at least 440 people remain missing.

According to the AP, only seven people have been rescued from a large passenger ship that capsized in China’s Yangtze River last night.

A Japanese former porn star has agreed to a 15-year, $8 million contract to become the exclusive “personal assistant” of an anonymous Chinese businessman, the tabloid Nikkan Gendai reported this week.

Russia and China’s ever-growing, often bizarre partnership, while usually cause for concern, has created something positively beautiful: This breathless, handjob of a propaganda video to Putin, with love, from China. P.S. Love your big muscles.

Last year, a Tibetan mastiff reportedly sold to a Chinese businessman for $2 million. Now, the New York Times reports, surplus mastiffs are being sold to slaughterhouses for $5 each.

On Wednesday, a nun set herself on fire in a Tibetan area of Western China, the New York Times reports. The nun's death could not be confirmed, because police took her away after extinguishing the flames.

After years of searching for the next financial bubble that will pop and leave little but empty wallets, broken dreams, and suicidal investors in its wake, it appears we have actually found it!

It was a really awful week to be one Chinese man's penis, according to a fantastical tale of dick butchery making its way around the internet.

According to the Associated Press, at least 36 people died and another 47 were injured after a Shanghai New Year's celebration turned into a deadly stampede.

On Friday, The New York Times profiled some of the Chinese companies that have taken nonsensical branding to its postmodern conclusion, selling products under Western-inspired names like "Biemlfdlkk" and "Marisfrolg."

The New York Times editorial board made a bold statement today regarding the paper's treatment by the Chinese government, which does not care about the New York Times.

President Obama and Chinese President Xi Jinping announced from Beijing today a groundbreaking joint plan for both countries to cut carbon emissions ahead of the global climate treaty expected to be finalized next year. The pact is China's first-ever pledge to stop the country's carbon emissions from growing.

The nearly week-long hunt for a missing Shanghai boy came to an end Sunday when the 12-year-old was found inside an IKEA store. Peng Yijian ran away from home last week after an argument with his mother, Shanghai Daily reported.