Casting a star in a Broadway production tends to either bomb disastrously (Julia Roberts in Three Days of Rain, anyone?) or succeed spectacularly (Fantasia in The Color Purple, who killed). So when we heard the news that Nicole Richie is up for the role as Roxie in the long-running Chicago, we got nervous. Sure, she'll bring in the tweens, but can the girl actually sing? We did some investigating on that "debut album" Richie promised her public way back in 2005, and found a scratchy YouTube video featuring one single called "Dandelion" that may or may not have been planned for release. And we're no Simon Cowell, but we predict she'll breeze through "Funny Honey" much more smoothly than cringey-voiced Renee Zellweger did in the Oscar-winning flick. Judge for yourselves after the jump.

As Broadway producers continue to dance gleefully on the grave of Fred Ebb, it should not be surprising to find out that Nicole Richie, professional rich person's daughter and drug addict (and newly babied!), has been offered the lead role of Roxie in Chicago. Blargh. Many big fucking idiots have trotted through that show, like Ashlee Simpson (in the London production), so I guess it makes sense. Though whoever is playing Velma will probably mistake her for a cane and twirl her around during "Nowadays." That may be worth seeing. [Us]

According to well-placed sources, the entire internet in all of downtown Chicago has been out of service for two days now and no one has noticed.

Eric Schaeffer, the world's worst man, the man who cannot understand why no woman will marry him, the jerkiest jerk in jerk town, is on his book tour to support his opus, "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single"! Our Special Correspondent For Sexy Midwest Trends report things are going poorly: "I just walked through the Barnes and Noble on the first floor of my office building in Chicago (it's the DePaul University book store) and Eric Schaeffer had just finished reading to a group of about ten people next to the revolving doors. I noticed one large-breasted, blonde gal (very fake looking) and a ton of dudes who looked exactly like him. It looked like a really awkward event." Hey, by the way, have you ever looked at his book's page on Amazon?

• Ben Brantley: bad gaydar. [WWD]
  

Let's turn our attention west to Chicago, that toddlin' town, where the men, who dance with their wives on State Street, are men, the gals are gals, and the aldermen are a bunch of skirt-wearing nannies who want to make sure that your Harold's fried chicken comes with no trans-fats. That's right, "The City of Big Shoulders" is rapidly turning into "The Village of 'My Pussy Hurts,'" as the city council authorizes bans on foie gras, cellphones, and smoking. Which is why we at Gawker would like to offer you Chi-Town weenies a trade: You take our nanny-state, ban-happy mayor and we'll take your indictable, "where's mine" city head. We've got to be honest: New York hasn't had a good corruption scandal since Donald Manes started playing with the cutlery. Meanwhile, our guy is the most regulating, schoolmarmish, "I know what's good for you" pol since that broad you guys had who "lived" in Cabrini-Green. It's an "everybody wins" situation, except maybe for the residents of Englewood, who, if this week is any indication, can expect to spend a lot of time with the power out.