Weep not for Charlie Sheen, who lost one of his goddesses recently: The actor has reportedly signed a deal with Lionsgate Television to develop and star in a new sitcom. According to "an insider" who spoke with RadarOnline:

After Charlie Sheen's marijuana bikini model lover dumped him, he consoled himself with an orgy. Jennifer Aniston goes on a strange double date. Lindsay Lohan shoots another Vanity Fair cover. Monday gossip bounces back.

Prince Harry flings his pheromones at Cameron Diaz. Angelina Jolie goes without makeup. Denise Richards fondly recalls her "beautiful love story" with Charlie Sheen. Monday gossip has a manly musk.

We don't, as a rule, support terrorism, but sometimes we are sympathetic to its aims. As in the case of Freddy Caldwell, the Bronx man who threatened to blow up his local TV station if it kept airing Two and a Half Men reruns.

Ashton Kutcher-obsoleted fingertip-poet Charlie Sheen bought a $7.5 million home in Beverly Hills back in March, so now it's time to unload the place he's lived in since 1997.

It seems as though Ashton Kutcher is about to throw his hat back into the sitcom ring—and in a way you never saw coming. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the former That 70s Show star will return to primetime this fall—for a "big payday"—when he replaces Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, which is still somehow the top-rated comedy on television.

America's one-time favorite British person almost joined the cast of America's one-time favorite sitcom. A match made in sad heaven! Also today: news from Cannes, a bloody upfront scares us all, and of course Hunger Games casting news.

Lady Gaga breaks a nail and flips off a bunch of rich people. The royal wedding made Fergie feel "totally worthless." Heidi Montag warns that reality stardom is "hard." Wednesday gossip triumphs over adversity.

Jennifer Aniston's key grip ex-boyfriend confesses he was too vanilla for her. Katy Perry's Jesus freak parents banned deviled eggs. Charlie Sheen interviews now cost $1 million. Wednesday gossip is out of touch.

Ding dong Bin Laden's gone, and I know what you're thinking: What does Paris Hilton have to say? And why did The Rock know about Bin Laden's death before everyone else did? Monday gossip has questions.

Prince Harry censors his "risque anecdotes." Emma Roberts is pursued by two men at the same party. Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson are, metaphorically, sittin' in a tree. Gossipmongers of the world, unite: It's May Day gossip.

The fallout from Nic Cage's night of drunken thrashing continues. Robert Pattinson's fear of clowns is actually quite reasonable. Charlie Sheen has terrible body odor. Some actress bitchslaps Paris Hilton on Twitter. Here's your Tuesday gossip.

Britney Spears is deprived of that which she loves. Ryan Phillippe contemplates quitting acting. Lindsay Lohan fears she is the victim of a "witch hunt." Monday gossip is trapped in a prison of carrots and health.

Lindsay Lohan is unhappy with her sentence. Liz Taylor's eighth husband speaks out. Charlie Sheen loses a goddess via text message. Ye seek Sunday gossip: it is risen.

The Washington D.C. police department used police cruisers as emergency vehicles at speeds of at least 80 miles per hour to escort Charlie Sheen from Dulles Airport in Virginia to his show in Washington, D.C. on April 19, 2011. Apparently, arriving in his private jet, Sheen was late for his performance and D.C.'s Homeland Security and Special Operations Division authorized and approved the high speed escort.

Everything Charlie Sheen touches turns to shit. After ambling about the country with his live show, Anyone Who Pays Money for This Gets What They Deserve, he has now launched an iPhone app.

JWOWW's ex says she attacked him with a steak knife and a fireplace poker. Beyonce wears stilettos at a Disney theme park. LeAnn Rimes is happy with her homewrecker marriage. Charlie Sheen gives to charity. It's time for TGIFriday gossip.

Over the past couple of months, any discerning adult should've had no problem concluding that Charlie Sheen is an insane, drug-addled trainwreck. But as this new video from the Fine Brothers shows, even children have no trouble figuring out how crazy Sheen is after watching some of his recent interviews.

Demi Lovato gives her first post-rehab interview. Charlie Sheen comes out as a birther. Catherine Zeta-Jones opens up about her bipolar disorder. Wednesday gossip has nothing to hide.

Matthew Morrison flees his rat-infested home. Nicolas Cage's binge-drinking weekend melee gets weirder. David Hasselhoff is "in like" with a woman half his age. Halle Berry's custody battle forces her to quit a play. Monday gossip is filthy.