• Continuing in our Katie Couric Is the Center of Attention day, it seems that CBS will be offering Couric fewer perks than she received at the Today show. That is, assuming one considered expensing Ann Taylor knits a "perk" in the first place. [Page Six]

• K-Fed penetrates Britney for the money. As if there would be any other reason? [Scoop]

• After five straight nights of intense partying, Jennifer Garner collapses from "heat exhaustion" on the set of her new movie. [Gatecrasher]

• Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards have agreed to terminate a restraining order that prevents Sheen from coming within 300 feet of his children. Now Richards will allow him to admire his babies at the intimate distance of 295 feet. [TMZ]

• James Woods realizes his 20-year-old whore is a 20-year-old whore. [Gatecrasher]

• Brad Pitt drops off his adopted children, Maddox and Zahara, at the Warner Bros. lot daycare, where they play with the dirty children of common studio secretaries. [Page Six]

• Today in Rush & Molloy: Celebrities looove ping-pong! OMFG! Seriously though. McFly? August blows, yes, but isn't somebody out there fucking someone else? They don't even need to be that famous, really. Just spare us the ping-pong. [R&M]

• Several confirmations today: God is dead, the world is nothing more than a cesspool of injustice, the horsemen are en route, and Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. [R&M]
• Life & Style claims Lindsay Lohan spent $1 million on clothes last year and is now seeing a hypnotist to cure her shopping addiction. As if that addiction were her biggest problem. [Scoop]
• The Red Hot Chili Peppers may face a major lawsuit if Tom Petty decides that the band's first single, Dani California, is as similar to Mary Jane's Last Dance as everyone says it is. [Page Six]
• Uber-manager Benny Medina declares a moratorium on email. If he can make Mariah Carey into a similar taboo, then we'll really be impressed. [Lowdown]
• Les Moonves' wife Julie Chen finally comes clean and acknowledges that she's a robot. [Page Six]
• Eager to make career choices that will help her come out of her divorce looking mature and classy, Denise Richards joins the Pussycat Dolls. [TMZ]
• Kim Basinger files a motion to prevent her ex-husband Alec Baldwin from publishing a book about the ruin of their marriage. Let's take Basinger's side on this one — do we really want to hear any more about the 45-year-long divorce? [IMDb]

• A 20-something woman who met Charlie Sheen through his millionairematch.com profile claims that while they dated, the actor asked her to dress up in schoolgirl outfits and wear her hair in pigtails. But he was just doing research for his line of children's clothing, seriously. Sheen Kids, on sale now! [Page Six]
• At the Maxim Hot 100 party, Lindsay Lohan takes the high road and refuses to talk about her firecrotch. [R&M (last item)]
• Everybody joins our cause in hating Mischa Barton and Access Hollywood. [IMDb]
• Russell Crowe desperately kisses ass, having his photo taken with a fan in the middle of his band's performance and leaving a 50% tip at dinner later that night. So that's two people who'll forget about his Mercer incident. Only 20 million more to go. [Page Six]
• The opening of the Jivamukti Yoga School is dominated by horrific celebrity B.O. [Lowdown]

• Pill-popping kiddie porn freaks need love too: Charlie Sheen has been using MillionaireMatch.com to meet women online. His profile says he's a talent agent, ensuring that he meets only the most desperate young things. [Gatecrasher]
• Britney Spears announces that she's done with Kabbalah; on her website, she writes, "My baby is my religion." As if Sean Preston didn't have enough problems. [Us Weekly]
• New York mag says Tina Brown's name has been dropped as a possible successor to Time managing editor Jim Kelly, but Lloyd Grove hears that New York editor Adam Moss is a more likely choice. Fuck it: we hear Lloyd Grove is in the running. [Lowdown]
• For $56K, you can enjoy a downward dog with Gwyneth Paltrow, which is probably more exciting than just going doggy. [Page Six]
• With young American soldiers dying in Iraq, what better time for Hollywood to start working on movies about the war? The reality of it all makes the drama feel more "real," you know? [R&M]
• Good Morning America producer John Green is back after a month's suspension; he's tan, 15 pounds lighter, and promises never to use the phrase "Jew guilt" ever again. [Page Six]

• You may find this hard to believe, but Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes likely have no plans to marry. They do, of course, have plans to endure one another for the proper amount of time before he abruptly dumps her and she tries save her career. But let's be clear: Joey Potter is no Kidman. [Awful Truth]
• Miss Kentucky 2002 offers herself up to Nick Lachey during the Derby parties, but he politely declines. After all, he's got a lovesick image to maintain and a single to promote. When stuff goes gold, then he'll fuck freely. [Lowdown]
• Today in Chardenade Heatherich, Richie Sambora denies having an affair with Denise Richards. You know, just to keep the story moving along. [IMDb]
• So howzabout that rehabbing congressman Patrick Kennedy? Turns out that before he was popping prescription painkillers, he was a coked up young legislator wearing blackface to daddy's parties. Oh, those fun-loving Kennedy boys — such a hoot! [R&M]
• For its list of the best bars in America, Esquire lists New York's 21, Julius, and Bill's Gay 90s. Shockingly, Nevada Smith's did not make the final cut. [Page Six]

• Just because Britney Spears is knocked up again doesn't mean that she's content: rumors continue that she wants out of her marriage to Kevin Federline. So sweet of her to make the new baby special by threatening to bastardize it. [Scoop]
• Incarcerated pimp Jason Itzler claims Charlie Sheen was a stellar client, spending $20K on two lovely ladies who were thrilled to learn that the actor had a formidable package. You blew it, Denise. Dickhead. [Page Six]
• Diddy came all the way from Miami for the Time 100 party, only to learn that Oprah wasn't there. Not even the world's largest entourage can disguise that sort of disappointment. [Lowdown]
• Perhaps worried about word that Alec Baldwin is a holy terror, a publicist plants a lovely item about Baldwin's wonderful relationship with Nicole Seidel. [Page Six]
• Bionic Rolling Stone Keith Richards may be even more fucked up than previously thought. [IMDb]
• No longer in love with Tom Cruise, Rosie O'Donnell offers to get him the help he so desperately needs. [R&M (last item)]
• Jessica Simpson's best friend and personal assistant Cacee Cobb calls it quits on the latter position. But we all know that if you quit one, you're getting fired from the other. [Us Weekly]

• Today in the life of Chardenade Heatherich, Denise Richards tells her side of the story to Us Weekly. She says that she never meant for the court documents to become public, and that her "priority all along has been to focus on my children and their well-being." And to not be such a dickface. [Us Weekly]
• But Sheen's rep, the talented Stan Rosenfield of Clooney-Stalker fame, says that there was never any effort on Richards' part to keep the documents private. To boot, she might've sacked her former flacks when they advised against spreading the docs. [Page Six]
• Anna Nicole Smith is looking knocked up — if her womb is indeed full, the baby daddy will be wisely looking for some love from her newly accessible inheritance. [R&M]
• Courtney Love may be sober, but she's still flashing her wilted ladyflower whenever she gets the chance. [Page Six]
• Is anglofairy flack Rob Shuter trying to woo Britney Spears away from publicist Leslie Sloan-Zelnik? And, if so, shouldn't Zelnik be relieved? [Lowdown]
• Shortly after his spanking-new breakup with Paris Hilton, Starvos Niarchos seeks comfort in the company of Lindsay Lohan. [Scoop]
• Not that Paris cares — she's already moved on to fucking Heisman winner Matt Leinart. [LVRJ]

• Because we're tired of typing out all their names, we're going to refer to the ongoing celebrity scandal du jour as Chardenade Heatherich (you translate it). So, today in Chardenade Heatherich news, fifth wheel David Spade slams Denise Richards for betraying Heather Locklear — who happens to be linked to Spade. [Page Six]
• Devil Wears Prada author Lauren Weisberger may be experiencing a career slowdown: After lagging sales for her second book, Everyone Worth Knowing, she's reportedly having difficulty starting her third book. And so Anna Wintour sticks another pin in her little cloth doll... [Lowdown]
• Pete Doherty claims that he was not injecting drugs into the arm of an unconscious young woman. Both he and the girl insist that she was conscious and Doherty was actually drawing her blood — which he was going to then use to paint pictures. We actually preferred the first version. [IOL]
• Is there anything Wilmer Valderrama won't attend? Now he's hosting a condo opening for Corcoran, to be followed by an after-party for the opening of a anthrax-filled envelope. [The Real Estate]
• Now that Rosie O'Donnell is headed to The View, Star Jones' ego might not be able to take it. Her agent is rumored to be calling around, though Jones is welcome to stay as long as she likes. For the sake of television savagery, let's pray Star stays. [Page Six]
• Despite having around 20 pieces in the Met Costume Institute's "Anglomania" exhibit, Malcom McLaren is unable to snare a gala invite from Her Frigidness. [R&M (2nd item)]