Al Pacino steps into Robert De Niro's Italian leather shoes. Amanda Bynes' sex comedy. Judd Apatow forsakes the bromance for Kristen Wiig. Erector Sets' movie adaptation is not a soft-core porn. The Trade Roundup just ate an entire frittata.

As a society, we've come so far: Men can use stripping as a path to stardom, and women can assuage their mid-life crises by dating pretty young things. Sadly, though, one cornerstone of the patriarchy remains: If a wife earns more than her husband, he'll probably find that, well, a major boner-killer. It's a problem that's plaguing more and more relationships, since 75 percent of the people who lost their jobs during the recession were men. And if you're married to one of those men, then the rent-a-quote psychologists on the Daily News' speed-dial feel sorry for you:

Avatar is finally dethroned, but Sam Worthington is on his way up. Do you want Wheel of Fortune in 3D? Henry Winkler has a new role, and Valentine's Day gets a pre-release sequel. Welcome to a very super Trade Roundup.

Paris Hilton filming a commercial for Israeli television on Lexington Avenue ... Mary-Kate Olsen leaving her apartment in the Village ... Mike Myers crossing the street in Tribeca ... Cynthia Nixon talking on her cell phone in the West Village ... Pierce Brosnan going to lunch on the Upper East Side ... Jennie Garth arriving at JFK ... Channing Tatum getting out of a car in front of the Apple store in SoHo ... Lauren Conrad arriving at the Wendy Williams Show in Midtown ... Mick Jagger having a late-night dinner at La Esquina ... and James Gandolfini leaving lunch at Bubby's on Hudson Street.

Kate Winslet shopping in SoHo with her son ... Jonathan Rhys Meyers walking into the Mercer Hotel with girlfriend Reena Hammer ... Bono and wife Ali Hewson at a bakery on Madison Avenue ... Channing Tatum getting in an SUV at JFK ... Ashley Olsen arriving at ABC studios for an appearance on Good Morning America ... Blake Lively carrying her dog inside her coat on the set of Gossip Girl ... Paris Hilton getting out of a car in front of the Late Show with David Letterman ... Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz attending a Knicks game at Madison Square Garden ... and John Travolta leaving the Plaza with Kelly Preston and daughter Ella.

Today at Gawker.TV, Channing Tatum explains how he burned his penis, Gordon Ramsay fights with his contestants, Marky Mark's ab workout, Bruce Jenner has a laugh at Fox News' fact-checking, and Jon Stewart re-imagines a Jewish Scooby Doo.

Channing Tatum finally explained his mysterious penis-injury on Regis and Kelly this morning. He accidentally had boiling water poured down his wet suit on-set, resulting in scalding all "all the way down" and "very little skin in places."

the actor describing the aftermath of an incident on the set of The Eagle of the Ninth involving boiling water being poured down his wetsuit which "pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick," to Details.

You've laughed at Conan's withering monologue takedowns of NBC and Jay Leno. But Fox is really serious about wanting Conan on their network. It's too bad an almost hilarious contract oversight might rob Conan of his $45 million breach-of-contract award.

It only took a decade, but Us Weekly finally got their dirty clutches on video of actor Channing Tatum taking it all off for a crowd horny Florida ladies. It's his best work since Step Up 2: The Streets.

Whitney Port eating lunch at Felix on West Broadway ... Ivanka Trump talking on her cell phone ... Mary J. Blige heading into Da Silvano, and later picking up frozen yogurt in SoHo ... Ed Westwick talking on his phone ... Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos shopping in SoHo ... Jennifer Aniston leaning on a taxi on the set of The Bounty downtown ... James Franco playing a guitar on the set of Eat, Pray, Love ... Channing Tatum leaving the Gramercy Park hotel ... Hilary Duff exiting her trailer on the Gossip Girl set with rollers in her hair, and later getting a visit from boyfriend Mike Comrie ... Wynonna Judd leaving the Trump International Hotel ... and the rapper Mase chatting on a payphone.

Sienna Miller stepping out of the Gramercy Park Hotel ... Jonah Hill leaving the Bowery Hotel ... Adam Brody and Jessica Szohr leaving dinner at Cafeteria in Chelsea ... Hilary Duff filming scenes for Gossip Girl in SoHo ... Rihanna arriving at the 34th Street Heliport ... Lou Reed eating breakfast at Le Pain Quotidien in the West Village ... Jennifer Aniston walking downtown ... Snoop Dogg arriving at the Trump International Hotel ... Julia Roberts shooting scenes for Eat, Pray, Love in the East Village ... Channing Tatum and wife Jenna Dewan posing for photographs outside their hotel ... Shia LaBeouf walking by himself in SoHo ... and Drew Barrymore hiding her face from photographers after eating lunch at the Bowery Hotel.

Mischa Barton walking her dogs, Charlie and Ziggy, after getting a cut at Sally Hershberger's salon on Friday afternoon ... Kate Hudson looking at puppies with son Ryder at a pet shop in the West Village ... Courtney Love walking in SoHo ... Drew Barrymore and Justin Long hiding under an umbrella on the set of Going the Distance ... Channing Tatum leaving the Waldorf Astoria ... Taylor Momsen walking through the rain to attend the opening of the Sephora in Times Square ... Selena Gomez listening to her iPod outside ... Russell Brand and Jonah Hill shooting scenes for Get Him To The Greek in Central Park ... and Mischa Barton leaving a party at the Cooper Square Hotel last night.

Gossip Cindy Adams celebrates her 79th birthday today. Barbra Streisand is 67. Designer Jean-Paul Gaultier turns 57. Mets star Carlos Beltran is turning 32. Playwright Eric Bogosian is 56. Djimon Hounsou (and Kimora Lee's significant other) is 45. Political reporter Andrew Kirtzman turns 48. Mystery writer Sue Grafton is turning 69. Veteran diplomat Richard Holbrook is 67. Kelly Clarkson is 27. Cedric the Entertainer is turning 45. And Shirley MacLaine is 75. Weekend birthdays—including that of the newly-named worst CEO ever, Dick Fuld, this Sunday—after the jump!

Your favorite football series returns, Drew Barrymore's dating Justin Long again, NYC film gets a tax break, plus movies about babysitters and killer crazy girls.

We typically regard the upcoming G.I. Joe movie as a necessity we'll have to suffer through before the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Garbage Pail Kids epic, but that's not to say there aren't elements that intrigue us.

· New Line is developing a movie about Parkour—"a free-jumping extreme sport in which agile practitioners run and jump from rooftops." Set to star is Channing Tatum, who'll play a self-taught rooftop-jumper who falls for a beautiful, classically trained Parkourist from the other side of the tracks. Several thousand copycat deaths to follow. [Variety] · Maverick Films president Mark Morgan is splitting with partner Guy Oseary, and rebranding the studio under the new name Imprint Entertainment, though we prefer the sound of Pooped My Corset Productions. [Variety] · Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless have been hired to write the Flash Gordon remake no one has been clamoring for since Dino De Laurentiis's gay-acid-trip take on the material in 1980. [THR] · 24 EP Carlos Coto has paired with Brett Ratner for Wild Boys, an action-comedy pilot about Iraq war vets turned suburban dads. [Variety] · Russian bodybuilder and action star Alexander Nevsky—this man—will play Hercules in a $12 million production, eventually going on to become America's first completely incomprehensible Russian President. [THR]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our millions of Defamer operatives. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Adrian Grenier getting ready to Diving Bell the Butterfly out of "some model looking chick."

As we bide our time waiting for the inevitable $200 million feature adaptation of Captain N: The Game Master (Zac Efron, call your agent), Paramount has unveiled new details on its latest strip-mining of 80's nostalgia: G.I. Joe. Directed by failing-upward Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing), Joe is all set for a summer 2009 release, but that doesn't mean it's too soon to reveal three new teaser posters and a new, utterly superfluous subtitle: G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. Sadly, none of the teaser posters show off the film's most curious bit of casting — Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander — though the film's new subtitle seems to hint that Cobra won't be donning his live-action costume until everyone's bullshit detectors receive a proper workout.

We honestly thought there was no way we'd be able to shoehorn a reference to the NHL playoffs—and, more specifically, a tuque-tip to our beloved Habs, who dismembered the Bruins 5-0 Monday, inciting one of many dépanneur-looting riots to come—in this space. But that was before we came across this beyond-inspired gallery at SI.com, placing some of the lesser-known faces under the helmets alongside their celebrity doppelgangers. The effect, in certain instances, is nothing short of astonishing, introducing a whole new audience to the likes of Sharks goalie Evgeni "Chino" Nabokov, and Penguins center Sidney "Stick in a Box" Crosby.