Michael Jackson was a beloved worldwide star for the entire 1980s. Even after his reputation darkened, he remained a global obsession. But underlining his death is a sense we'll see no more stars of that scale and endurance.

What is today, America? Lo, it's the day when Jon and Kate Gosselin make their big announcement on the reality show they have, with their kids, on the TV. This could save gossip magazines! We rank the possibilities, below.

An addition to the Celebrity Media Intern Class of '09: Arielle Zuckerberg, the kid sister of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. She's indentured herself to Dan Abrams-affiliated media blog Mediaite.com. It hasn't launched yet, but we have an exclusive preview!

New information has emerged on the child labor violations of "fledgling internet site" (ha) RadarOnline. We will cover this story with the same verve with which RadarOnline covers Octomom. Illegal, baby-endangering verve, that is!

A new summer has blossomed (technically), and with it a new crop of celebrity media interns, riding their family names into coffee-fetching and fact-checking gigs that should rightfully go to miserable, debt-wracked, overqualified J-school graduates. This year's celeb intern class:

If Gisele Bundchen covers can't sell magazines, what is it that you people really want? This may be Michelle Obama's fault.

Daisy Ballmajo is the co-host of Paparazzi TV Sensacional on Mega TV—sort of a Spanish-language version of TMZ. The type of show that loves leaked photos of nude celebrities! Now Daisy's own nude photos have leaked. She's upset!

When Kung Fu simulator David Carradine was found hanged to death in Bangkok hotel room closet Wednesday, suicide was reasonably suspected. But now, evidence seems to be pointing to one of those grisly masturbation accidents:

Should you, the Average Joe Schmoe Loser Nobody "Little Person," be allowed to see all the dirty details of a rich, famous person's divorce? Rich, famous people do not think that you should, surprisingly!

Well well. If you didn't get enough of Scarlett Johansson's ruinous crooning with her thoroughly unnecessary vanity album of Tom Waits covers, it is your lucky year: she is putting out a musical album, again!

Celebrity spawn news! New York magazine has used a fair and impartial process to hire new interns, and one of them happens to be Steven Spielberg's son! Allow him to introduce himself [UPDATED below]:

In your dire Thursday media column: Us Weekly starts a war, America refuses to watch gay broadcasters, "I.D." is the unluckiest magazine name, and North Korea will try the US reporters it snatched:

Yesterday, asshole expert Jared Paul Stern identified German "Prince" Marcus von Anhalt as the "World's Richest Asshole." Like all noblemen, the Prince has a Myspace page:

Kiefer Sutherland was in a New York police precinct house for two hours, being charged with assault for headbutting someone at a Met Costume gala after-party. But he has yet to answer to Anna Wintour.

Oh, good, Oprah is going to give Jenny McCarthy a talk show, because she wants your kid to die of the measles.

We hear OK! Magazine has laid off creative director Sean Bumgarner, #3 on its masthead. This follows a weekend full of shakeups. What is going on over there? Grasping desperately at shrinking market share, probably!

Lauren Conrad's most recent and, let's face it, quite possibly last appearance on the Late Show was an odd cocktail of passive-aggressive barbs and ribald, lusty commentary from host David Letterman.

Six months ago, someone made a fake Sarah Silverman Twitter account. But this seems genuinely to be the comedian's work, what with all the facetious jewish jokes and invented profanities. (Click for highlights.)

Maybe all the cool kids already knew this, but for the rest of us: did you know that for the low low price of $19.95, HIP and FRENCH movieperson Michel Gondry will draw your portrait?

Apparently Ryan Adams lives in Los Angeles forever now? The whiny singer blames his departure from New York on a mean, vicious publication—That's not a filthy blog like the one you're reading: a newspaper.