The driver of a New Zealand train last week was surprised to find a cute house cat stowed away on board. When he approached, the cat viciously attacked him, sending the driver to the hospital and shutting down the train.

Dream diets! Asthma surgery! Concussion guidelines! Exercise colds! Depression reruns! Robot hands! Bluffer brains! And kitty kitty kitty cats cats cats! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while pandering to cute addicts!

[A cat in South Africa is mesmerized by a "sundog" — when rings around the sun are caused by ice crystals within thin cirrus clouds. Image via Getty]

Check out this amazingly cute video of a kitten playing hide and seek inside a McDonald's bag. If Happy Meals came with kittens like these, we'd all be a whole lot fatter, wouldn't we?

Kittens Charlie and Spike are afflicted with Myotonia Congenita, a.k.a. Fainting Goat Syndrome. Read: They are super-adorable because they faint at the slightest sound. You may not laugh, but you will smile lovingly and probably cry.

It looks like a well-practiced routine, and if they could sing songs as well they surely would. Even cuter is when they stop but decide that stopping was a bad idea.

The Hawaiian island of Kauai has canceled Friday night high school football games this season, because migrating seabirds mistake the stadium lights for the "moon and stars," then "fall from the sky and [get] eaten by cats." Stupid cats. [AP]

Longcat (context) really does exist! This is Stewie, a Maine Coon who belongs to a Reno, Nevada woman. Stewie was just confirmed to be the world's longest cat, measuring 48 1/2 inches. Inside, video of Stewie's record-breaking moment of truth.

Meet Cooper! Cooper is a cat. Cooper likes bananas. And, while the whole cat-eating-fruit thing has been done before (and better, IMO) by Rich Juzwiak/Winston, here's a cute video of Cooper eating a banana while dressed as a banana split.

This tiny tiny kitten will make you coo and hit replay multiple times as she randomly attempts to remove herself from under the hand, but instead promptly falls asleep within seconds.

It's a miracle the Internets didn't explode after this video was posted to YouTube last week. It's as if Toonces, Keyboard Cat, and that band from The Aristocats teamed up to pay tribute to the Beastie Boys' Sabotage video.

[Salvatore Curleone and Eurocastle Peanutter wear humiliating costumes during a preview of this weekend's "Meet the Breeds" animal showcase in New York. Image via AP]

News flash: your cat does not want to be a bee for Halloween, he wants to be a cat. Aren't cats already Halloween enough? Have him sit on the couch as himself, and he will not try to jump off.

Cats are easily amused when left to their own devices, as demonstrated here by a cat enjoying a ride on an elliptical machine. He steps back and forth, and even props himself up to check out the machine's settings.

Most cats run away from vacuums, but this cat cleverly realizes that shop vacuums are excellent for back-scratches and massages. If only more cats understood, owners would have a lot less shedded fur to deal with...

We first brought you this adorable cat back in June, but the wonderfully plump Maru is back for more! He has found a new box and is here to show you all how to use it. Video inside.

That's what you get for imposing land sanctions on the working class, Viscount Kittyfeathers. Watch the video after the jump.

Barack Obama named his former Senate chief of staff, Pete Rouse, to replace Rahm Emanuel as White House chief of staff today. What's this guy's deal? Well, he's a much quieter, behind-the-scenes type. And he's into cats. Really into cats.

Humans rely on gadgets—high tech or not—to make their lives easier, and it would appear that kittens are no different. Case in point: the use of teacups as receptacles for their cute little kitten bodies to nap in!

Fitness infomercial lies! Fat blasters! Exercise time! America's depression! Infant sleep killers! Low fat cancer! ADHD genes! And stupid cats are bad! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from a safe, fetal position!