New Line is the latest studio to prove that any pitch in the form of "Will Ferrell is a(n) [occupation for which Will Ferrell seems hilariously ill-suited] is an instant greenlight, signing up the actor for Semi-Pro, in which Ferrell will put on the ball-huggingest pair of shorts ever conceived by a wardrobe department while portraying "Jackie Moon, the flamboyant owner-player-coach of the fictional Flint, Mich., Tropics in the final year of the American Basketball Assn." Woody Harrelson will co-star, though it's not clear if he's playing the complimentarily dim-witted sidekick or Ferrell's cocky rival. [Variety]
Arrested Development creator Mitch Hurwitz and Arrested Development writer Richard Day are adapting the BBC series The Thick of It for American television, apparently hoping to find some way to translate the wholly foreign concept of "bureaucratic ineptitude" in British governance to the flawless law-making processes of Congress. [THR]
The Weinstein Co. claims that NBC and The CW are refusing to air commercials for the Dixie Chicks documentary Shut Up and Sing because they criticize the president, a burgeoning censorship controversy that should cripple Harvey Weinstein's efforts to raise public awareness of their free-speech-centered film. [Variety]
ABC orders four more scripts from Help Me Help You, The Nine, and Men in Trees, while NBC orders three more from Studio 60; we'll leave it to you to figure out which series the networks actually want to nurture with a show of faith, and which ones they're hoping will write themselves out of a full-season episode order with further sketch-comedy musings on Nancy Grace's inadequacies as a cable news journalist. [THR]
Hollywood Out Of Ideas, Faux Snuff Films Edition: Rogue Pictures is remaking Faces of Death, the cult horror flick supposedly depicting the actual deaths of its accidental "stars," promising enough gore and shock value for a YouTube-desensitized generation no longer stirred by endless replays of "trampoline basketball." [Variety]

Perhaps feeling that he's gleaned all the horndogging wisdom longtime mentor and occasional make-out coach Robert Evans has to offer him, preternaturally hacky Rush Hour fauxteur Brett Ratner has now invited a Hollywood legend whose hot-tub-hosted appetites were even more outsized than those of his beloved teacher to work with him on the latest installment of his signature franchise. Today's Variety reports that fugitive director Roman Polanski has been written into Rush Hour 3, currently shooting in Paris, and will play the part of a policeman who will try to interfere with stars Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker's efforts to bicker with one another while crashing a variety of comically undersized French automobiles. Var explains how Ratner recruited Polanski for the role:

Realizing that Borat's imminent opening effectively ends his "innocent Kazakh documentarian who doesn't understand why he can't purchase sex from shopgirls at The Gap" ruse, Sacha Baron Cohen is already working on the next character (fat suit? age make-up? differently colored nut-sling?) he'll inhabit for a top-secret movie he's expected to shoot next summer. [Variety]
In arguments that the FCC must relax their rules on large media conglomerates, CBS manages to get a dig in on NBC: "Four years ago, when the FCC last reviewed its broadcast-ownership rules, the YouTube.com domain name had not even been registered, the first Windows version of the audio iPod was just rolling out, Google was only a search engine, cable companies sold primarily video packages, and telephone companies sold primarily voice service....and NBC was the most popular broadcast network thanks to its high-rated sitcom 'Friends' airing in the first hour of primetime." Ouch. We'll spare you the punchline, where they mention NBC's layoffs. You get the point already. [THR
Charlize Theron helps out boyfriend Stuart Townsend by lending her star power to The Battle in Seattle, his directing debut. Cute! [Variety]
Is it pre-Oscar awards season already? The Independent Film Project announces the nominees for its Gotham Awards, which include Half Nelson, Babel, and Little Miss Sunshine. [THR]
The placement of TV episodes online by networks and studios hardly seems like news anymore, but Fox will show the first two episodes of the new season of The OC on MySpace and their station sites before they air, and Warner Bros, TV hopes to entice people to start watching The Nine by streaming its pilot episode. [Variety]

Now we know the real reason that Sumner Redstone almost cried the night he fired Tom Freston: Freston's golden parachute just cost him $59 million for that one year on the job, plus millions more in consultant fees, deferred compensation, and his 401 (k). That's not just fuck-you money, that's fuck-you-and-everyone- who-looks-like-you money. [Variety]
Demonstrating its mandate to get faster, cheaper, and stupider, NBC orders 10 more episodes of 1 vs. 100—but then seemingly ignores orders from the corporate mothership by picking up six more scripts for newly verboten, expensive 8 pm drama Friday Night Lights. Maybe they fired the guy who's supposed to read the memos from Jeff Zucker. [THR]
John Cusack heads back into Grosse Pointe Blank territory by starring in, writing, and producing the dark political satire Brand Hauser: Stuff Happens, the story of an assassin sent to kill a Middle Eastern oil minister. The movie is set to shoot this month in Bulgaria, which probably tells you all you need to know about the budget. [Variety]
Focus Features buys the drama Underdog from Gideon Yago. Yup, exactly the Gideon Yago you're thinking of while shaking your head and asking, "The MTV kid? Seriously?" [THR]
Now that CBS has bored you so profoundly with endless procedural dramas and flavorless comedies that you can't even be bothered to change the channel, they're now going to try to slip in some edgier shows. Watch out, they're throwing out the rule book! Schlubby sitcom husbands might soon be able to pull only semi-hot wives! [Variety]

America's profligate makers of undead cinematic fare may soon find their jobs outsourced to Pakistan's more efficient, burgeoning zombie-film industry, which recently produced Zibahkhana (Hell's Ground) quickly and cheaply with a 30-day, hi-def shoot. [Variety]
Universal picks up the dramedy Counter Clockwise, about a Harvard professor who attempts to reverse the aging process by making her subjects believe they're young, for Jennifer Aniston to produce and possibly star in. It's too soon to know who will eventually play the role of Aniston's love interest, with whom she will unexpectedly fall into a suspicious, real-life romance during shooting. [THR]
Sweeney Todd casting shocker! Tim Burton signs up muse/snuggle-buddy Helena Bonham Carter for the role of the musical's "diabolical meat pie-maker." [Variety]
· Dancing with the Stars continues to grow in popularity, getting its highest ratings of the season in the wake of contestant Sara Evans' abrupt, adultery-tinged exit from the show. [THR]
· Braveheart's Randall Wallace takes on the suicidal task of condensing Atlas Shrugged's 1,100 pages into a coherent screenplay. [Variety]

NBC continues to be the dark spot in GE's otherwise cheery quarterly reports, but the company remains publicly optimistic about the fall schedule, which they can easily use to promote their better-performing divisions to make up for an financial shortfall associated with poor ratings. [Variety]
Universal picks up the comedy Shy Guy for Jay Roach to produce, hoping that the Meet the Fockers director can assist in teasing out the subtleties of the relationship between a "retiring bookbinder" and the "impulsive, hard-partying brother" hoping to "blast him out of his shell." [THR]
After his tame treatment of 9/11 in World Trade Center, Oliver Stone stone is ready to stir some shit up with Jawbreaker, a movie about the invasion of Afghanistan and hunt for bin Laden. The script's new draft will be written by the guy who made the fact-challenged The Path to 9/11 such a hit with the Clinton Adminstration. [Variety]
· The CW's pilot Ghosts is described as "a young Grey's Anatomy in the FBI." Are we already supposed to feel like Grey's horny doctors are too old? [THR]
The unexpected success of new NBC game show 1 vs. 100 may herald a long-delayed Bob Saget renaissance. [Variety]
· We should probably note that Variety's web site just got a nice makeover, but the speed of the rotating images at the upper left has made us too queasy to spend much time lingering on the front page. Then again, maybe we just had too much to drink with breakfast. [Variety]

Dallas fans who couldn't wait to see John Travolta attempt to cram 20 gallons of bloated cranium into J.R. Ewing's 10-gallon hat are in for a crushing disappointment, as New Regency's movie adaptation has been shelved until the studio can figure out what the hell to do now that every member of the cast but Travolta (even J.Lo!) realized it's going to be a fiasco and went running for the hills. [Variety]
· Roger Ebert's Chicago Sun-Times review for The Queen is his first published since he checked into the hospital for salivary cancer treatment back in June. He hopes to return to his TV show at the beginning of the year, where he will retake his rightful place demonstrating what a pinhead Richard Roeper is on a weekly basis. [THR]
China suspends the premieres of Miami Vice, World Trade Center, and, potentially, Casino Royale to clear room for the propaganda films scheduled for—and we're not making this up—"October Golden Autumn Excellent Domestic Film Exhibition Month." [Variety]
Ted Harbert, president of E! Networks, has been promoted to president and CEO of Comcast Entertainment Group, which will add overseeing G4 to his responsibilities. We are as exactly as excited as you are about this thrilling announcement concerning the corporate streamlining of basic cable network operations. [THR]
Weinstein-owned Genius Products picks up the North American rights to Dirty Sanchez: The Movie—the Welsh version of Jackass, not the sex tape featuring Screech's last ditch attempt to salvage something of career by painting a scatstache on some poor escort's upper lip. [Variety]

Record companies, TV networks and studios still can't decide if they should view YouTube as a copyright-infringing agent of evil or as an ally that could potentially make them boatloads of money. In the meantime, Google has its army of lawyers ready to fight claims against its shiniest new toy. [Variety]
Roger Daltrey will guest star on an episode of CSI, hoping to live up to the proud stunt-casting tradition of the series established by Kevin Federline's bravura, largely improvised performance. [THR]
Nip/Tuck's Ryan Murphy will adapt and direct the memoir Eat, Pray, Love, about a dissatisfied woman who chucked away her comfortable life to "set off on a journey of self-discovery around the world," as a vehicle for Julia Roberts. Later today, Brad Pitt will read this news, remark, "I'd love for us to do something with Julia one day. Can we make that happen?" then be gently reminded by a Plan B staffer that he's producing the film. [Variety]
The public once again proves that its appetite for watching washed-up celebrities get yanked around by professional dancers is still voracious, as Dancing With the Stars pulls in about 22 million viewers at its Tuesday night peak. [THR]
Leslee Dart's PR firm passes up a second chance to take our helpful suggestion to call their flack collective The Fuck Pat Kingsley Group, instead opting to rename itself 42West, a blander, tragically diplomatic choice. We don't know how many more opportunities Dart can squander before another disgruntled Kingsley staffer comes along and snaps up the name for her own venture. [Variety]

This just in: Network executives are impatient, either cancelling or giving full-season orders to shows based only on a couple of weeks of ratings data. [Variety]
It's nice to see Mira Sorvino breaking out of TV movie jail and getting a part in an Actual Feature Film, joining Mark Ruffalo, Joaquin Phoenix, and Jennifer Connelly in Reservation Road. (And we're so proud of ourselves for not ruining the moment by perving on Connelly, which would be completely inappropriate on Sorvino's big day.) [THR]
New MTV FIlms/Nickelodeon Movies president Scott Aversano's bloody housecleaning claims 16, with "several" others getting reshuffled elsewhere within the MTV family. [Variety]
ABC signs Bonnie Somerville to a talent-holding deal. Yeah, we had no idea who she was until we ran her through IMDb either, but we're sure it's money well spent. [THR]
Warner Bros. TV's "low-cost" Horizon Television unit signs American Idol judge Randy Jackson's production company to a multiyear deal, hoping that Jackson's ability to discern amateur singing performance that he's "totally feeling, bro," from ones he's "not feeling, dawg" translates into a knack for developing TV shows. [Variety]

Halle Berry will star in Class Act, the true story of Terry Cahill, the sixth grade teacher who ran for Congress (and lost) with the help of her students. We were all ready to be uplifted, until we read further and discovered that Cahill is a white woman, and now are instead anxious about the coming protests from the perfectly employable Caucasian actresses whom DreamWorks is obviously trying to keep down. [Variety]
Dave Matthews will make the inevitable foray into acting that all rock stars attempt once they find there are no more co-ed groupies to conquer, appearing with Sissy Spacek in the family drama Lake City. But despite his attempt to separate his music from his new career by being credited as "David" Matthews, his collegiate fans still plan to follow the movie from theater to theater, assembling in lobbies hours before showtime to get high and perform clumsy renditions of his hits on bongos and battered acoustic guitars. [THR]
George Lucas has seen the future of the movie business, and it's not Hollywood's' current, wasteful, tentpole-driven strategy, but one where studios take the $200 million they budget for a single, crappy blockbuster and instead use it to produce 50 or 60 lower-budget, crappy movies. [Variety]
· Ludacris will play an angry elf in Fred Claus, the Vince Vaughn vehicle about the degenerate Claus sibling who nearly ruins Christmas. [THR]
Neal Mortiz's Original sets up two sitcom pilots at Fox, Think Tank and Macho Steve, whose comedic premises you can easily discern from their titles. [Variety]

· Apple and Wal-Mart are in talks to figure out a way to work together on movie downloads, perhaps with Wal-Mart getting some kind of kickback from iTunes offerings in return for the retail giant dropping its threats to cut off the DVD sales of any studio that dares cooperate with Apple in undercutting their profit margins. [Variety]
Ugly Betty edges out Survivor: Race Wars in their second half-hours, while CSI beats Grey's in viewers, not the 18-49 demo. The demo always knows that skinny, whiny, lovesick doctors trump pointy-headed crime scene investigators. [THR]
In an attempt to cut down on the sale of counterfeit Superman Returns DVDs, Warner Bros. joins in a price war with the pirates, offering cheap, encrypted copies—at least until the MPAA and the Chinese Government round up and kill everyone with a DVD burner and an internet connection, allowing them to safely raise prices again. [Variety]
The simultaneous release of The Guardian and Open Season presents moviegoers with the undesirable dilemma of choosing between live-action and animated Ashton Kutcher vehicles. We expect a rash of multiplex lobby suicides as ticketbuyers collapse under the incredible pressure of having to make such a difficult choice. [THR]
An investor advisory service urges News Corp shareholders to protest COO Peter Chernin's excessive compensation, but have so far turned a blind eye towards Rupert Murdoch's weekly ritual of burning $10 million in front of the Fox lot's News Cafe, during which he offers a variety of obscene hand gestures to any underling looking askance at his fiery display of corporate profligacy. [Variety]

In a surprise superhero casting move that recalls Tim Burton's initially baffling, but ultimately inspired, hunch that Mr. Mom would make a fine bat-obsessed, caped vigilante, Variety reports that Paramount has chosen longtime character actor and part-time mugshot model Robert Downey Jr. to play the titular, metal-suited hero in their upcoming Iron Man movie. But as Var quickly points out, Downey has more in common with the character than we immediately realized:

Hugh Jackman joins William Baldwin and Henry Winkler in the cast of indie film A Plumm Summer, which as far as we can tell from a very brief blurb contains no musical theater component whatsoever—a nice change of pace for the noted song-and-dance man. [Variety]
Busty period-piece staple Scarlett Johansson continues her quest to spend most of her prime earning years trussed up in a corset, signing on for the title role in Mary Queen of Scots. Not that we're complaining about her predilection for elaborate, cleavage-enhancing costumes. [THR]
Peter Jackson teams up with Microsoft to create Wingnut Interactive, which will produce two video game/interactive projects, including a "Halo" spinoff. [Variety]
Barbara Walters' 20/20 interview with Steve Irwin's widow proves just as popular as CSI: NY with the 18-49 demo, who seem to be morbidly fascinated with both real and fictional deaths. [THR]
...and recognizing that death is red-hot right now, ABC is developing three "murder-themed projects," including Bret Ratner's Women's Murder Club, the story of a quartet of sexy serial killer hunters with an inexplicable sexual attraction to hacky directors. [Variety]

The MPAA introduces its latest agents of movie pirate doom: Lucky and Flo, the two cutest, DVD-sniffing black Labs you've ever seen! The pups can't distinguish between pirated and legitimate disks, and can also be thrown off the trail by traffickers clever enough to pack dummy boxes full of frisbees in the same shipment as their contraband product. [Variety]
Certified series-killer Rena Sofer gets recurring roles on both 24 and Heroes, but we imagine the cancellation curse that accompanies her casting will only be strong enough to take down Heroes, the newer, weaker show. [THR]
Dreamy-eyed hunkbot Jake Gyllenhaal will join pointy-chinned ingenue Reese Witherspoon in New Line's Middle East political thriller Rendition, which we fully hope will evolve into a romantic comedy so as not to waste the crippling adoreableness of its leads on weighty matters. [Variety]
Rob Cohen cleverly deleted Stealth from his resume before going in for a meeting about helming the prison movie Scared Straight, tricking New Line into giving him another opportunity to direct. [THR]
FX's relentless pursuit of the self-consciously edgy leads it into a deal with Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy for 4 oz., a drama about the "metamorphosis of a married sportswriter who is a transsexual." [Variety]

Universal beats out DreamWorks, Warner Independent and the Weinsteins for the movie rights to Peter Morgan's play Frost/Nixon, whose ideas Ron Howard will eventually dilute for mass consumption and producer Brian Grazer will claim as his own. [Variety]
Cate Blanchett is attached to star in the adaptation of "graphic memoir" Cancer Vixen: A True Story, in which she will depict cartoonist Marisa Acocella Marchetto, who "wore killer shoes to chemo sessions and strove to get married on time." [THR]
Viacom is cutting the salary of skeletal executive presence Sumner Redstone to bring it in line with that of the officers he recently installed to run the company, but Redstone will be able to boost his base compensation considerably through bonuses for cutting ties with too-expensive movie stars or unexpectedly firing popular underlings. [Variety/AP]
Pirates of the Caribbean finishes first overseas for the 11th time in 12 weekends, boosted by continuing support in Pacific Island territories in which Johnny Depp is worshipped as the demihuman incarnation of Toronga, a million-year-old, gay-pirate god. [THR]
ABC's Sunday ratings were still strong despite moving Grey's Anatomy to Thursday, with Desperate Housewives drawing nearly 24 million viewers eager to see what mirthlessly outrageous antics the ladies of Wisteria Lane will be up to in their third season. [Variety]

SAG looks to increase dues for the first time in seven years, a move that could put an unwelcome financial burden on your favorite bartender, valet parking attendant, or Starbucks barista in between slow-arriving residual checks. [Variety]
· On fledgling network The CW's premiere night, America's Next Top Model carries them to a win in the only demographic they truly care about, 18-34 year-olds, as the kids obviously put in the effort to figure out which channel is the new home of Tyra Banks' trademark sassiness. (Disclosure: We still have no idea what channel The CW landed on here in L.A. We suppose we'll figure it out eventually.) [THR]
· Adorably quirky superproducer Brian Grazer's Imagine TV is hooking up with the FBI to develop a drama about its role in the post-9/11 government. In the meantime, The Graze and his partners are hoping that new CBS series Shark will be a hit and make them incrementally richer. [Variety]
Justin Long will join Bruce Willis in the cast of the fourth Die Hard flick, Live Free or Die Hard, playing an obnoxious Mac enthusiast who scoffs at Willis' every frustrated attempt to download pictures from his digital camera onto his PC. [THR]
Thursday night ABC newcomer Grey's Anatomy defeats CBS timeslot stalwart CSI in both overall and key demographic viewership, leaving Les Moonves no choice but to promise his network affiliates that he plans on having the entire Grey's cast murdered by the end of the month. [Variety]

Had she gone to college, you just know that Angelina Jolie would have been the girl conspicuously toting around her copy of Atlas Shrugged to parties just so she could go on and on about how much Ayn Rand changed her life. Now she gets her chance to live that experience on the set of a movie adaptation of the book. Grips, stay away from her at the craft services table. [Variety]
Entourage gets an official fourth-season pick-up with a 12-episode order from HBO. Spoiler alerts: Johnny Drama will seem a little gay, Turtle will spend most of the season high, and Ari will continue to be the only character really worth watching. [THR]
At yesterday's 900-member WGA unity rally, president Patric Verrone declared that "every piece of media with a moving image on the screen or a recorded human voice must have a writer. And every writer must have a WGA contract," a boldly inclusive statement probably not meant to cover people who record cameraphone videos of their drunk friends singing karaoke and post them to YouTube. [Variety]
Mel Brooks tries to prove there's no movie on his resume he's unwilling to cannibalize for a different medium, teaming with G4 for an animated series based on Spaceballs. [THR]
ABC's "Feel Thursday" campaign to publicize Grey's Anatomy's schedule shift was carefully engineered to finally drive all straight males from the show's viewership. The network anxiously awaits tomorrow morning's demographic ratings breakdowns, which should reveal how well the marketing strategy worked. [Variety]

Rupert Murdoch tells investors that he can potentially make money from MySpace from a combination of advertising, videos and "internet telephony," but admitted that even News Corps' best business minds have yet to find a legal way to monetize the site's community of sexual predators, who wield an impressive discretionary income. [Variety]
Will Ferrell and Adam McKay's Gary Sanchez Productions moves into TV with P.E., a single-camera comedy for HBO about "a guy who, after flaming out as a major league baseball pitcher, returns to his small Southern hometown to teach physical education at the middle school he once attended and has to make amends with all the people he turned his back on." It is unclear whether HBO plans to back out of the deal once they discover that Ferrell himself will not be starring in the project. [THR]
The Class and Studio 60 have "solid" premieres, but it's hard to get too excited about numbers that earn the headline "Big Hopes, OK Debuts." [Variety]
Former WB Network bigshot Garth Ancier gets the standard, "Hey, sorry we fired you, but please accept this bag of money and an office on our lot as a token of our affection" shingle at Warner Bros. TV. [THR]
George Lucas will donates $175 million to USC Film School, at least $10 million of which is earmarked for the commissioning of a 50-foot-tall bronze statue of the director kicking Steven Spielberg in the ass. [THR]

Strong-jawed triple-threat George Clooney will star in, direct, and rewrite the oft-in-development, football-related period romantic comedy (yeah, we don't get it either) Leatherheads for Universal, while Renee Zellweger is in negotiations to play his inevitably pouty, yet adorably plucky, love interest. [Variety]
CSI creator Anthony Zuiker is developing the cop drama The Man for LL Cool J, who will star as the titular alpha-male who raises troubled kids by day, and runs so-deep-undercover-he-doesn't-know-which-way-is-up-anymore sting operations by night. [THR]
Simpsons writer Josh Lieb and David O. Russell are developing a series for FX described as an "Upstairs, Downstairs" dramedy set at a Los Angeles country club. We put the over/under on the amount of time it takes for a mouthy actor playing a haughty tennis pro to find himself on the wrong end of a Russell headlock at two days. [Variety]
· New Fox shows Justice, Til Death, and Happy Hour can now be streamed online as early as the next morning after their initial TV broadcast, allowing you to catch up on missed episodes at virtually the same time executives get their Nielsen overnights and try to decide which of the series to cancel first. [THR]
Hollywood Out of Ideas, Exploiting a Classic Edition: ABC is developing a weekly series based on Francis Ford Coppola's The Conversation, with Coppola signed on to oversee the network's needless adaptation and updating of his film. [Variety]

In an announcement that surprised approximately no one, Apple reveals that it will offer full-length Disney movies in the iTunes store. Equally unsurprising is Steve Jobs' desire to sell you a slightly improved video iPod on which to view your newly downloaded movies. [Variety]
· Peter Jackson options the historical fantasy series Temeraire, whose dragons-in-the-Age-of-Napoleon setting gets his naughty parts a-tingling: "I can't wait to see Napoleonic battles fought with a squadron of dragons. That's what I go to the movies for." [THR]
Gold Circle Films gives Batman franchise killer Joel Schumacher an opportunity to ply his hacky trade, signing him to direct the supernatural thriller Town Creek. [Variety]
· John Leguizamo dangles perilously close to infomercial-hosting career oblivion, signing up for a Spike TV pilot about a "bank heist that goes terribly awry," as basic cable bank heists are wont to do. [THR]
VH1 casts one of Flavor of Love's "eccentric" (read: utterly, weave-yankingly insane) contestants in her own dating show spin-off. Be very, very afraid. [Variety]