Last weekend, Vice had a huge concert party to celebrate its 20th anniversary. Before the party, zillionaire Vice boss Shane Smith handed out ca$$$hh money.

The AP reports Dominican Republic officials have arrested a woman carrying over $70,000 in her stomach—inside of her stomach!—and over $69,000 in her suitcase.

An armored truck carrying a buttload of cash overturned in Rhode Island on Saturday, police officers say, and guess what: movies are real and money started pouring out everywhere!

Jack Lew, Obama's current chief of staff and his reported choice to replace Timothy Geithner as Treasury Secretary, is known for a lot of things – the New York Times says he's a "fiscal progressive" with "fiscal expertise" and a "low-key style," whatever any of that means – but that's not what we're here to discuss; instead let's talk about his signature, which will soon grace all new dollar bills.

What the hell do the shiftless/ worthless kids these days want, when they're not beating up babies and playing on train tracks? The vapid young sellouts are, quite predictably, all about makin' that MOOLAH$$$$CA$$$HMONEY$$$$. Are "The Millennials" way more materialistic than your generation? U bet!

It's now time for a story that restores your faith in mankind, even if it means going all the way to Japan to find it: In the five months since that country's devastating quake and tsunami, almost $78 million in cash has been found amongst the wreckage and turned in.

The stock market is bananas. Why bother? There are plenty of other places to put your money. Which type of investment is right for you?

Why do we even bother with our stupid old "democratically-elected government," anyway? Let's replace it with Apple, Inc., which not only has a better design aesthetic but right now has more money than the U.S. Government:

Afghan President Hamid Karzai admitted to receiving bags of cash from Iran. Don't worry! He says it's "normal."

So, the folks at Gothamist got an interesting email (and video) today. According to the anonymous letter, there is $10,000 in cash (US Mint $1 coins, to be exact) buried somewhere in NYC right this second. Details are inside.

Are you a boss? Do you want to be beloved? Do you know what Oprah just gave to every single staffer of O, the Oprah Magazine?

Why doesn't NYC's Commerce restaurant allow you to pay for its American food with "Asian, French and Italian accents" in cash? Because this way, the poors don't sneak in.

With people scraping together pennies for Kool-Aid, all ads harping on the hard times we're having, and coupons making a comeback, things are getting a little stressful for you, the good ol' American consumer. Well, how would you like some Free Cash? Would you? Would you? Would you do anything? Anything at all? Well shake that ass and empty that wallet, consumers, cause corporate America is making it rain! Cash giveaways are the new advertising trend, according to advertising trendwatcher- in-chief Stuart Elliott. Sweepstakes and cash prizes are a paltry sum for big companies, but for The Poors that now make up 87% of our nation, they're the only thing standing between them and cannibalism. The most ironic contest is CNBC.com's Portfolio Challenge, with a $1 million prize for building a successful mock portfolio. If you can build a successful portfolio these days, you're worth a lot more than that.

What's a wealthy businessman to do for kicks in Jakarta, Indonesia? Hey, that place like incredibly poor! Why not fly over a bunch of impoverished citizens, dump $10,691 in small bills, and see what happens? Okay!

Breaking news guys. Take your wallet out, find a five. See that green hue? It's about to change. In fact, everything about how we exchange goods and services in five dollar increments is changing. The new $5 bill will be purple. Look, US Mint, American money is green and I don't care if that's made our money easy to counterfeit. Our greenbacks make me proud to be an American. Have you even seen the fruity bills they use in other countries? And don't get me started about the dollar coin. Look, if I wanted my change to be worth more than 8 minutes on the dryer, I'd move to Canada. [Reuters]