cancer

Everyone Is Surviving Cancer Now!

Lindsay MaHarry · 03/11/11 06:11PM

The number of cancer survivors has increased 20% in only six years. Finally, cancer is cured! According to numbers released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Cancer Institute, there were 9.1 million survivors in 2001. By 2007, the number of survivors had risen to 11.7 million. Impressive, as 40 years ago there were only three million.

Cancer Makes Lupus Look Like Such a Wuss

Hamilton Nolan · 03/10/11 05:55PM

Mental game! Lupus drug! Elderly tech! Menopause needles! Cancer survivors! Cigarette sales! Tainted beef! Premature drugs! And the total crumbling of American healthcare! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—laughing, but really crying!

Now We Need Pacemakers for Our Tummies

Hamilton Nolan · 03/04/11 05:15PM

Sleep losers! Stomach pacemakers! Pork sloganeers! Cadmium poisoners! Cancer fallers! Food fighters! Proton inhibitors! Mite worriers! And puppy survivors! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with little to no equilibrium!

Diet Coke Will Also Kill You, FYI

Hamilton Nolan · 02/09/11 05:44PM

Breast cancer shocker! Gum healthiness! Lonely exercising! Teen girl suicide! Young strokes! Egg cholesterol! Diet soda heart attack! Baby obesity! And L.A.'s official guide to ecstasy! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while rolling, in the official style!

Dogs Only Sniff You for Your Own Good

Hamilton Nolan · 02/02/11 04:07PM

Diet drug failure! Dogs sniff cancer! Tonsil weight gain! Fantasy camp aging! Workouts destroy marriage! HIV teen pregnancy! Nevada hates children! And table saws kill! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health.

More Oral Sex Might Mean More Cancer

Max Read · 01/31/11 02:46AM

Oral sex is totally awesome, which means it must be bad for you in some way. And now we know how! Apparently, a rise in certain kinds of cancer may be thanks to all the oral sex everyone has nowadays.

Girl, You Think You're Cool Until You Get Breast Cancer

Hamilton Nolan · 01/25/11 12:27PM

Diet fads! Out of control kids! Food labels for dummies! Independent stomachs! Cancer vs. cancer! Old doctors! Killer pets! And smoke insinuating itself into your breasts! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—scolding, always!

Best Women's Diet: Lots of Sex, No Breakfast

Hamilton Nolan · 01/21/11 03:38PM

Hot flashes! Poop eating! Shingles cure! Alcoholism medication! Alzheimer's test! Organ transplants! Smallpox preservation! Vaccine seizures! Cancer breastfeeding! And a little encouragement for the sexually promiscuous eating-disordered ladies! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—yes, yours!

Smoking Trashes Your Genes in Minutes

Max Read · 01/17/11 01:02AM

A new study has found that smoking a cigarette can cause genetic damage within minutes—so quickly it's "equivalent to injecting [pollutants] directly into the bloodstream." But, obviously, injecting terrible chemicals directly into your bloodstream won't make you cool.

Cancer Scientist Loses Laptop with Years of Research Data

Adrian Chen · 01/14/11 11:43AM

Scientist Sook Shin had two years of prostate cancer research on her laptop when she and her husband stopped at a local Panera for dinner in Oklahoma City. The computer was stolen, and now prostate cancer will never be cured.

Fat Babies Make Everyone Hate God

Hamilton Nolan · 01/03/11 04:03PM

Fat babies! European fake cigarettes! Brain-blaming! Japan-tic Chantix antics! Yoga boozing! Cancer tests! Druggy weight loss drugs! And dumb god anger! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while ordering toddlers to assume the push-up position!

Are Our Soldiers Using the Proper Crash Diets?

Hamilton Nolan · 12/08/10 04:25PM

Discount drugs! Energy drinks! Capitol Hill junk food! Cancer moneymakers! Meditation depression! Food allergies! Youth sports fat! Baby thumb fat! Soldier fat! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dipped in Icy Hot, furiously skipping rope!