No law enforcement agency in the world is better than our own FBI when it comes to thwarting terror plots that never would have come to fruition anyhow, because they consisted mainly of pitiful people sitting around boasting to FBI informants. The latest triumph by our domestic anti-terror heroes: saving America from a bunch of old Georgia loons who sat around the Waffle House talking about their big assassination ideas.

The New York Post—the fascist barrel-scraping newspaper with its finger placed closest to the vibrant pulse of young, "hip" Brooklynites—has unearthed a new, hip trend, which is occurring among hipsters—in Brooklyn, of course. The hip, fashionmongering young people are diving into dumpsters to extract food, completely without care for the inherent wackiness of such a stunt, their eyes focused on only on nutrition—and hipness. Who ever heard of such a thing?

What's the fake crap word that corporations are using now to push the subtle psychological buttons that force dumb Americans to buy their shitty products? "Artisan." FYI.

For a while now Reebok has been selling its dumb fake "EasyTone" shoes that allegedly tone your butt (ladies), using magic. If you believed that Reebok EasyTone shoes would tone your butt, you are dumb. Well, now Reebok has to pay $25 million, for fooling you.

Are you a pretty savvy and health conscious person who maintains a slim and attractive physique along with the body of a much younger human by dining solely on "all natural" foodstuffs? Congrats, good for you. You are dumb.

Here's a thing that the genius multibillion-dollar marketing industry did, probably at a cost of millions upon millions of dollars: instead of saying "incontinence," now we say "light bladder leakage," because that term is "less stigmatizing." See how much better it sounds? "Light bladder leakage." It's not all medical-y. It's just very plain and upfront to let people know, yes, urine is leaking from my bladder, lightly, and hey, I'm still human.

Cartoonishly simplistic rhyme reciter Soulja Boy has allegedly purchased himself a $55 million G5 jet as a 21st birthday present. Ohh... did somebody give Soulja Boy $55 million, by accident?

According to a transparent and successful piece of marketing linkbait bullshit survey, a full quarter of college students would give up sex in order to, let's see, [fill in the blank.]

You can't accuse Big Food companies of failing to care about America's health. If Americans die, who will buy all the Cheetos and Kool Aid, for example? That's why Big Food is willing to make minor cosmetic concessions—for you!

News arrives today that fancy gym Equinox is instructing all of its personal trainers to spend the next few weeks getting in extra-good shape, because the company is about to start making them wear fancy new "form-fitting tops" that will be unflattering to anyone with a stray millimeter of body fat. This is fantastic news, because it will cause the vain rich people who go to Equinox to select their personal trainers on the dumbest possible criteria.

Traditionally, job titles at PR firms work like this: the lowliest slaves who are forced to cold-call angry reporters and write unread press releases all day are called "account executives," and everyone else is a "VP" of one sort or another, whether or not they are actually in charge of anything, or competent.

We've obtained a copy of Target's notorious internal anti-union propaganda video, which it shows to all new employees in America when they're hired. As far as we know, it can't be found online anywhere else.

A lengthy, in-depth report on the child sexual abuse scandals of the Catholic Church—a report paid for primarily by the Catholic Church—has found that it wasn't the whole "celibate, sexually frustrated men in close proximity to vulnerable children" thing that caused all the molestation. It was hippies.

Aveda makes its money by selling expensive beauty products to touchy-feely yuppies, like you. And if there's one thing yuppies like you love, it's rationalizing your purchase of an expensive beauty product by telling yourself that it's helping some good cause, somehow. And if that good cause is kind of bullshit... eh, you still got the beauty product.

Stern NYC schoolmarm-in-chief Mike Bloomberg is trying to crack down on the practice of NYPD officers making tickets disappear as a favor to friends. Clearly, this is an outrageous assault on the police. Why does Mike Bloomberg hate courtesy?

Never, ever, take fitness advice from the New York Times. We've made this point before. They're always spouting off about getting "thin" with some sort of limp-wristed jogging workout. In neon shorts. In Central Park. When you're not skiing, in Aspen, and then reading the New York Times by a roaring fire, in a resort, sipping on probably some nice Earl Grey, not even thinking about Muscle Milk at all.

If there's one issue related to factory farming that our nation's legislators need to address, it's the extreme perils of... people filming what's going on at factory farms, and showing the public. Iowa will put a stop to this!

Yesterday, Tech Crunch writer Alexia Tsotsis did a noble thing: she more or less told her parent company to fuck off, in public, after a Moviefone/ AOL rep emailed her suggesting that the "snark" be "toned down." That was entertaining. But the response of Moviefone is even more entertaining! If you like unbelievable things.

Justin Rocket Silverman, who's posed shirtless and publicly fingerbanged his girlfriend for the sake of journalism, has now done a new sex-related thing, for journalism: "naked therapy," a made-up thing consisting of an attractive young woman removing her clothes as you pretend to talk about some personal issues, or whatever. Breasts.

Are you cursed with spoiled children, $25,000 to burn, and a desire to make your already-wealthy kids even more unbearable by marinating them in an all-encompassing sauce of privilege?