• Did you hear the story that made the rounds yesterday about how Tiger Woods' wife Elin whacked the golf champ in the face with a 9-iron after she discovered text messages from Rachel Uchitel, and the injuries he sustained in the aftermath (a fractured cheekbone, two cracked teeth) forced him to fly to Phoenix to have reconstructive surgery and explains why he's been out of public sight all this time? It probably isn't true, unfortunately, but it sure is an entertaining tale, isn't it? Also not true: The dubious reports that Tiger Woods has gone to rehab or is now shacking up with Rachel Uchitel, the later of which you can credit Uchitel herself with spreading as she desperately tries to cling to the spotlight. [DM, P6]
• Joe Halderman, the man accused of extorting David Letterman, has come up with a new—and very creative—defense. In a new court filing, his lawyer argues that if it isn't a crime for Tiger Woods' mistresses to seek payouts to keep their mouths shut, Halderman's attempt to get the TV host to pay him to stay silent about Letterman's flings shouldn't be a crime either. [NYDN]
• In addition to all the other horrible stuff he's accused of, Michael Lohan's ex-fiancée Erin Muller says he once beat her with a stilletto heel and "put a lit cigarette out on her scalp," too. Lohan's lawyer claims Muller is making it all up. And Michael himself has taken to Twitter to accuse Muller of drug abuse and incest. Because he's classy like that. [P6, TMZ, Twitter]
• Susan Sarandon was spotted sharing crepes with a younger guy at 2am in the Village the other night, but it wasn't Jonathan Bricklin, her ping-pong club business partner and supposed man-friend, alas. [NYDN]

• You know that New York's crime rate is at an all-time low (or it's just a really slow news week) when NYPD commissioner Ray Kelly injects himself into any investigation involving Jon Gosselin that doesn't include the reality TV trainwreck's murder. Kelly says the NYPD has yet to determine whether someone really ransacked Jon Gosselin's Upper West Side apartment last weekend, or if it was just a big publicity stunt carried out by Gosselin and/or girlfriend Hailey Glassman. But the investigation continues, he says, so rest assured a few more of your tax dollars will be spent getting to the bottom of things. [NYDN]
• The call that Charlie Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller, made to 911 on Christmas Day has been released. According to a one report, the couple's argument—in which Sheen allegedly pulled out a knife and said he'd kill her, thus landing him in the clink—was all over a Christmas present. [People, Us, E!]
• You knew Michael Lohan wasn't the world's best father or ex-husband. But he sounds like a pretty horrific fiancé, too. In newly filed court documents, Michael Lohan's ex, Erin Muller, says Lindsay Lohan's dad repeatedly abused her during their relationship, once beat her up for having a male friend on Facebook, and even kicked her "in the vagina" on one occasion. [TMZ]

• Robert "Joe" Halderman, David Letterman's alleged extortionist, may be close to taking a plea deal. Halderman has reportedly offered to accept a one-year prison sentence in exchange for pleading guilty, although his lawyer is denying it, and any deal probably won't be finalized until incoming Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance Jr. takes office in January. [NYP]
• Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller say they're heading to counseling following Friday's arrest of Sheen on domestic violence charges. (He allegedly threatened Mueller with a knife and told her he was going to kill her.) Sheen, who was released on bond on Christmas night, also says he plans to enroll in "anger management counseling," since he's hoping to keep the marriage together. Rest assured, though, that somewhere Denise Richards is screaming, "I told you so!" [TMZ, NYDN]
• Ivana Trump was booted off a flight from Palm Beach to New York over the weekend after she cursed out a group of rowdy kids on the plane and then lashed out at several flight attendants. [P6, MSNBC]

• Friends worry Jessica Simpson is "at the lowest point of her life" now that she's lost her beloved dog, Daisy. Others say she's coping "better than her friends may realize." Either way, we she's probably feeling much better now that her friends are sharing her innermost feelings with the tabloids. [People]
• The man suspected of breaking into Lindsay Lohan's house wasn't a complete stranger: The two reportedly hung out on the set of her film Labor Pains last year. The girl's not the best judge of character, as you've probably realized by now. [TMZ]
• The drugs that were prescribed to Anna Nicole Smith amounted to "pharmaceutical suicide," according to newly unsealed court documents that were obtained by the LA Times. Most disturbing: The documents also reveal that both of Anna Nicole's doctors "transgressed professional boundaries by having sexual contact with their famous patient." [LAT]
• Michelle Obama gave Barack the silent treatment at points during his campaign for president because she was pissed about all the women throwing themselves at him, according to a new book. There was even a hot young campaign aide who was mysteriously "relocated" after developing a close relationship with the President. [NYDN, P6]
• Did you catch President Obama's appearance on Letterman last night? [MTV]

• Lindsay Lohan certainly had an eventful weekend. After a judge issued a warrant for her arrest on Friday, Lindsay had a meltdown on Twitter and ended up in a fight with Sam Ronson that was so intense, the cops had to be called. It's not over yet: She's scheduled to appear in court today, although she may not show. [People, Gawker, TMZ, NYP]
• Olivia Palermo isn't making friends in her Tribeca apartment building. She strutted past the people gathered in the lobby last Thursday "completely oblivious" to the fact that one of the building's apartments was on fire. [P6]
• Gwyneth Paltrow and her trainer Tracy Anderson are having trouble finding people to pay $4,500 to join their new Tribeca gym. What a surprise. [P6]

• Hope you're sitting down for this one. Donald Trump Jr. and his wife Vanessa had a baby yesterday. It was a boy. And he will now bear a burden for the rest of his life: His parents named him Donald J. Trump III. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan is launching a self-tanning line called Stay Gold. Finally! [NYDN]
• "Real Housewife" Bethenny Frankel was spotted using coupons at a hair salon. [P6]
• After dating for about half a century, Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart may finally be ready to get hitched. [Cindy Adams]
• Please note that Walter Cronkite is not related to social/art scenester Kipton Cronkite, despite his claims to the contrary. [P6]

♦ Guy Ritchie supposedly cried after seeing son Rocco wearing a Yankees t-shirt this week. So sensitive! Or maybe not so much: Ritchie also reportedly described Madonna as "old, fat, ugly and wrinkled," and said she couldn't sing. [Us, NYDN]
♦ Not only did Lindsay Lohan's stint on Ugly Betty get cut short because she didn't get along with America Ferrera, LiLo clashed with everyone else on set, too. Also, she enjoys snipping out photos of herself from the tabloids. [P6]
♦ Jennifer Aniston's publicist is denying she's pregnant. [ET]
♦ Gossip Girl's Taylor Momsen spent four days in the hospital with a "potentially life-threatening throat-infection." But she was miraculously cured and released yesterday afternoon. [Us]

♦ Samantha Ronson refused to DJ an event at Rubyfruit, allegedly because she doesn't spin at gay or lesbian bars. Her rep, of course, denies this. [P6]
♦ David Spade didn't turn up at Eric Trump's charity golf tournament in New Jersey last week because he thought it was taking place at Trump's LA course. [P6]
♦ An Atlantic City monsignor wants his name added to the list of Raffaello Follieri's victims. He says he gave the Italian playboy $110,000 because Raffaello said he needed the funds to pay some nuns. [NYDN]
♦ MTV has finally confirmed Whitney Port's Hills spinoff. It will begin airing in early 2009. [E!]
♦ How exciting! Mike Bloomberg will become an honorary citizen of Tbilisi, Georgia tomorrow night. [P6]

Didn't we almost have it all, America? Why, it was just a few weeks ago when we learned that E! had mercy-killed its celeb reality show Denise Richards: It's Complicated, leading to cheers, emailed hugs, and exultant praise to God around the blogosphere. "Just when I think there's no redeeming the entertainment industry as a whole," said one of our commenters, "somebody makes a smart move like cancelling this famewhore's piece of crap show, and I start to see a little glimmer of light on the horizon." Get ready to bust out some candles, everybody: that glimmer's gettin' snuffed! According to Us Weekly:

• Alessandra Ambrosio just gave birth, but she isn't wasting any time. She's reportedly already looking to sell pictures of her newborn daughter Anja to the tabloids. [P6]