As we watch much of the Republican party fall in line with the bombastic racist nominee they once vowed to never support, so too can we watch America’s brave #brands settle into a comfortable partnership with a man who wants to ban Muslims from the country.

Inside today’s Wall Street Journal and New York Times are two different, full-page ads about essentially nothing draped in the rhetoric of social justice written by what I imagine was a third party branding agency at the behest of a CEO in order to promote the pseudo-advocacy of a sprawling American coffee chain. We live in dumb, predictable times.

The brands were out in full force during Sunday’s Superbowl, reaching the eyeballs of millions of consumers with millions of dollars. Mountain Dew took a novel tack, attempting to create the most grotesque, unsettling, and plain awful character of all (worse, even, than Norm MacDonald’s Colonel Sanders): PuppyMonkeyBaby.

“‘Axe has always been at the forefront of culture,’ says [some advertising guy]. ‘With [this extremely empowering new advertising campaign for empowering deodorant] we’re out to liberate guys from pressure and bullshit, and empower them to be the most attractive men they can be—themselves.’”

Long before he met with Sean Penn for an interview that would lead, at least partly, to his recapture last week, lawyers for Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán applied to have his name trademarked, the Guardian reports, citing Mexican journalist Carlos Loret de Mola.

If Donald Trump wins the presidency, he will have a job for four years. If not, he may not have a job ever again.

If you happen to be in Charleston, S.C. today, please make sure you do NOT take a picture that includes both the Marriott Courtyard Charleston Historic District hotel and the Emanuel A.M.E. Church in the same frame, because this is against the rules and you will be censured on Twitter.

People in the USA are fed up with these Washington politicians who don’t care about folks like us. We want to be led by those we really believe in: brands.

Would you be surprised to learn that Kristin Cavallari has five favorite organic beauty brands? She revealed the names of all of them in a recent post on her app titled, “My Favorite Organic Beauty Brands.” Today, we’ll discuss number five: Dr. Hauschka Skin Care.

Jared Fogle, former owner of giant pants and disgraced Subway spokesman, is now implicated in a child pornography ring and accused of trying to fuck at least one local high school child. But on the Subway Facebook page, it’s business as usual.

Moments after the Supreme Court guaranteed everyone in the country the right to marry the person of their choosing this past Friday, gay America’s greatest allies sprung into action, loudly broadcasting their support for the decision. Without a thought to detractors, without a worry about the shrinking minority of people who oppose same-sex marriage, brands everywhere stood up and took a brave stand by changing their Twitter avatars to include rainbows.

Remember the ‘90s? When you were an innocent incorruptible babe, hermetically sealed from the ills of the world around you, and your mom dragged you to that outdoor John Cougar Mellencamp concert because she couldn’t find a babysitter? And she got a little drunker than she meant to and tried to get you to climb on the picnic table and dance with her like This song has a great beat! but you didn’t want to like Ugh, come ON mom? Now you’re the mom. Congratulations, mom.

Think back, if you dare, to when you were young. Can you recall the Hamburglar, a pudgy cartoon criminal who wore a striped shirt and whose only dream was to steal all of your McDonald’s hamburgers? Now? He’s got a 401k and a propensity for dressing like Justin Bieber.

After Bud Light canned its ill-conceived new ad campaign glorifying sexual assault, all that was left for Last Week Tonight to do was to join the pile-on of burns on the disgusting beer’s foul taste, with John Oliver sneaking in a Floyd Mayweather own.

Piss beer overlords Anheuser-Busch InBev have removed a rape culture tagline from their beer bottles after the web collectively erupted over it Tuesday afternoon.

Our depleted, dried-up culture craves teen juice for nourishment. We’ve assumed that because we are tired and aching, we can absorb teenage youth-spirit through social media osmosis, a hot stem cell injection for our whole existence. But what if teens suck just as much as we do?

The Coca-Cola Company would like to celebrate the "good old times" of 1940s Germany with you. Haaretz writes:

Say what you want about #brands, but one thing's for sure—cable companies are more than just "not your friend." Cable companies are public enemy No. 1 and if you piss one of their overworked, underpaid employees off enough, they're liable to call you a cunt and cancel your service.

"You love to travel. We love taking you there," says Delta Airlines' Facebook page, "Our Facebook page reflects that passion." For a little while on Monday, it also reflected a passion for yams that look like giant, gross, wormy dicks.