BP CEO and "guy who's fun to yell at" Tony Hayward will testify in Congress tomorrow! Sucks to be him. His only strategy: make the panel cry with a depressing, hammy opening statement, a window into his prison of despair.

The weak, spineless worst president ever, whose abysmal speech yesterday eliminated any hope for American prosperity for countless generations, is such an evil corporatist that he's... found a way to make BP pay claims. Will he ever "show leadership"?

BP has tentatively agreed to set up a $20 billion escrow fund to pay claims.

[BP CEO Tony Hayward, along with various other BP chairmen, presidents, executives and counsels, enter the White House for their first meeting with Barack Obama. A very tense Rose Garden press conference will take place around 12:15. Image via AP.]

[BP executives will meet President Obama today, after a nationally televised scolding and news that 60,000 barrels of crude are being pumped into the Gulf of Mexico every day. Image via Getty]

New government estimates place the rate of flow from the Deepwater Horizon leak at 60,000 barrels of oil a day.

President Obama gave a 20-minute address about the BP oil spill tonight, discussing the recovery efforts and the need for new energy policy. So what fun new policies can we expect? Carbon tax? Automatic murder of BP executives? A horse?

Following President Obama's address tonight regarding the Gulf oil spill, Bill O'Reilly welcomed level-headed genius Sarah Palin on the Factor, and Palin said that Obama's top priority is to "use this crisis to increase the cost of energy." Videos inside.

Louisiana congressman Joseph Cao hinted to BP America's president today that he consider killing himself.

God has been terribly angry over the last 24 hours, lightning-wise. First He destroyed his son, the Giant Jesus of Ohio. Now another lightning bolt has "struck the ship capturing oil from [the] blown-out BP well." C'mon, God. [AP]

Grab your pitchforks! Multinational oil company BP has reportedly hired financial advisors from Goldman Sachs to help with the "mounting liabilities" the firm is facing from the Gulf oil spill. BP has denied rumors it is going bankrupt.

A new series of emails released by the House Energy and Commerce Committee reveals specific places where BP decided to cut costs and sacrifice safety—including an email describing the soon-to-explode rig as a "nightmare well."

[Florida Governor Charlie Crist simultaneously dispels those gay rumors and shows the media the state hasn't been affected by the BP oil spill at a press conference on the beach in Miami today. Image via Getty]

BP CEO Tony Hayward, the guy who's so much fun to yell at, has finally made it big! He'll meet Barack Obama on Wednesday, at the White House, before his big congressional "grilling" on Thursday. Tony knows all the bigshots!

These days we use celebrities for everything, so why not get one to clean up one of our greatest natural disasters? Kevin Costner's gizmo that separates oil from water might be just what BP needs to save Louisiana's shores.

56 days of pumping crude into the Gulf has so far cost BP $1.6 billion, and the company's share price has dropped by over a third. The firm might defer its second quarter dividend—an estimated $2.5 billion. [AP]

A leaking pipe owned by Chevron has spilled 20,000 gallons of oil into Red Butte Creek outside of Salt Lake City, coating poor ducks and geese. Hell, let's make BP clean that one up too, just to be bastards. [DeseretNews]

When BP executives come to Washington this week to be scolded by xenophobic President Obama, they'll be told to set up an escrow account for oil spill victims' claims. Another week of fuming British editorials will follow. [Politico]

[Yesterday, Day 52 of the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, the US Coast Guard sent BP a letter telling the company to hurry things up a bit. Meanwhile, Brits are fed up with all of this BP bashing. Image: Getty]

[This is "BP Truck," a 2006 oil painting by Chicago-based artist Chuck Meyers. Maybe BP just wanted to paint the Gulf (brownish) red? Image via chuckmeyers.com. Update: Chuck whipped together an updated version, on sale now on eBay.]