LOST: OUR SWEET BOY JEB

The cruise industry is booming, and so are the fortunes of the newly popular cruise hub, Boston. Jesus. Imagine that—a cruise to Boston. Like a vacation on “opposite day.” Are these prank cruises?

Last we checked in with the MBTA Transit Police Department, they were telling a humble, concerned citizen there had been no shady dealings in the Mr. Spaghetti dog-naming debacle. Now, the department’s response to Gawker’s public-records request directly contradicts the reassurance they’d previously given. What are they trying to hide?

Today is Marathon Monday, and by all reports, it is a splendorous day in Boston: the sun shining down, the breeze lilting lightly, the male nipples bleeding, and the Mark Wahlberg dressed as a hardscrabble cop with a heart of gold. But let us not forget a great shame that hangs over the city like the malodorous stench of seafood served at the Top of the Hub. That’s right: I’m talking about Mr. Spaghetti.

Mr. Spaghetti was a very bad dog, often pooping inside and on his owner’s son’s toys. He would also bark at the Dominos delivery boy who was only trying to do his F***ing job. Mr. Spaghetti is not missing. Mr. Spaghetti is dead.

The long-awaited “front page we hope to never publish” from the Boston Globe is here, and it is reportedly a “joke.”

The city of Boston could be “stuck in an endless housing crunch” for years to come with constantly rising housing costs. Oh, you can’t afford to live in Boston? Blessing in disguise. Is this story a joke?

Police in Millis, Massachusetts, spent hours on Wednesday searching for a man who shot at a moving police cruiser, causing its driver to crash and the cruiser to catch fire. Today, the Millis Police Department said it believes that the officer who reported the shooting concocted an imaginary story about an attack after shooting at his own car.

In a filing that extensively cites jurors’ social media feeds, lawyers representing Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev appealed his conviction on Monday, saying it was impossible for their client to receive a fair trial in Eastern Massachusetts.

For the Fung Wah Bus and its fans, the past two years have been a long and uncomfortable trip with seemingly arbitrary rest stops at a Burger King in New Jersey and maybe someone farting next to you or listening to music in really loud headphones. In December, the cheapo bus line said it was all set to resume NYC-to-Boston trips in early 2015, but now, it looks like it might never come back at all.

Joseph Rosenfeld, a 15-year-old Virginia wise guy who visited the Boston Museum of Science in June only to allegedly find an error in a 34-year-old exhibit on the Golden Ratio there, had his ass handed to him by an MIT professor who says that actually his “correction” was wrong. Ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh dip.

In February, three Massachusetts high schoolers building a website about James “Whitey” Bulger for a National History Day competition on leadership and legacy wrote a letter to the Boston crime boss, serving two consecutive life sentences in a federal penitentiary in Florida. And guess what! He wrote back.

Staying abreast of Boston’s rousing Olympic spirit: only 39% of people in Massachusetts now support the idea of holding the 2024 Olympics in Boston. Fortunately, support among the Olympic Committee itself is no doubt even lower.

On April 8, staffers at the Boston Public Library noticed that Albrecht Dürer’s Adam and Eve—an engraving valued at over $600,000—was missing from its collection. After an internal search, a Rembrandt etching was found missing as well. A month on, no one knows what became of the art—but police believe the apparent heist may have been an inside job.

Police have arrested one half of the now-infamous couple that paused for a blow job in the middle of a Boston subway platform last Friday.

On Friday, a beautiful Boston couple celebrated the end of the work week by stopping for a apparent blow job in the middle of the Boston subway.

After weeks of testimony and three days of deliberations, a federal jury sentenced Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to death by lethal injection today. Last month, the 21-year-old was found guilty of 30 charges related to the bombing at the finish line of the 2013 Boston Marathon.

Sleep easy, shrub lovers: After years of terror, authorities in Boston have finally nabbed the infamous arboreal assassin known as the “Brighton Tree Ninja,” The Boston Globe reports.

A new poll indicates that support among Bostonians for the idea of hosting the 2024 Summer Olympics has risen—all the way up to 40%! You can almost see the Olympic spirit dripping from the orifices of two in five Bostonians! With this level of passion, the games are a lock.