This week, two bodyguards who worked for Tom Brady and Gisele were convicted of attempted murder for firing at photographers who were trying to get shots of the couple's 2009 Costa Rican wedding.

The New York Daily News published a bananas story Wednesday exposing the bizarre circumstances surrounding Jay Z and Beyoncé’s abrupt dismissal of their 6'5", 280 lbs. head of security, Norman Oosterbroek: He was fired after the couple allegedly saw photographic and video evidence of him “using the family’s passports in a lewd act." (The couple also discovered he had hired a prostitute while on duty for them in Las Vegas, which is crazy because it is somehow the LEAST interesting aspect of the story.)

Paris Hilton took a trip to the Van Nuys courthouse today to testify against the armed home invaders whose attack she tweeted last year. Boyfriend Cy Waits was there to lend emotional support. But then—Paris, look behind you!

Freshman Republican Rep. Michael Grimm, who represents all of Staten Island and parts of Brooklyn, has hired a former NYPD detective to serve as a bodyguard for himself and his staff. Hey, other New York-area congressional staffers: Are you jealous?

Angelina Jolie is in nanny denial. Thought to have six minders for her six children, Angie still complains she and Brad are "like bartenders" and "waiters" to their children. Then what are you paying the help for, lady?

This is what the reputable Sun newspaper is reporting. Twenty-nine-year-old Fernando Flores claims that the worrisome ex-pop singer traipsed around nude in front of him and made unwanted advances. In Britney's defense, she thought he was a piece of cheesecake.

The Way We Live Now: Standing up for our right to enthusiastic baristas. When all the employees leave your neighborhood coffee shop you're like, whoa, what should I do, just go work at the strip club, instead? Times demand it.

So many reporters leaving their jobs now. What are they becoming? Hippies, and paranoid types:

Ah, yes, the age-old question: Should I bring my entourage of armed bodyguards with me to dinner tonight, or leave them at home and play it more low-key? Fortunately, W has the answers to all your bodyguard-related etiquette questions: "Ehud Olmert faces threats from terrorists and political enemies the world over. Tara Reid need be saved only from herself. Unless you're likely to be abducted, slugged, pawed or rushed by a camera phone–wielding fan, lose the entourage." [W]

"So many people are trying to make a statement by hiring bodyguards," one bicoastal club owner tells W magazine. "They want the stares and the whispers. It's ostentatious." Well, we always tell our guys to keep a low profile, but I suppose we're a bit more cultured than most. The magazine explores the etiquette of bodyguard-having in a new article-which, like having bodyguards, is primarily motivated by a desire to be ostentatious. But it does have some valuable clues as to which celebrities are the worst self-important assholes:

Uma Thurman, whose stalker was merely given probation earlier this week rather than sent to jail, isn't going to let that psychopath accost her on-set again, thanks. Now filming the comedy Motherhood in the West Village, the Tarantino muse has hired a body guard to protect her from Jack Jordan and any other disturbed individuals who may show up at her trailer to deliver disquieting greeting cards. [Showbiz Spy]

A photographer for Flynet was innocently... doing something yesterday, when Nicole Kidman's bodyguard rushed up and brutally attacked him! The attack was, predictably, caught on film. It resembles a rhinoceros rushing a jeep full of tourists on an African safari. What made the bodyguard so angry isn't shown, but it does look like the photog got pretty bruised up from the attack. The full clip of the bull rush is after the jump; when will they learn to just throw projectiles from afar, instead of trying to pull the paparazzi out of their cars?