I hate to spoil the thrill of opening presents for all of you, but you are probably getting a gun for Christmas this year.

Nobody is buying retail, and people who are buying retail are buying it online, but some of the people who are buying retail products IRL are still getting into fights over it. Also, black activists in Chicago plan to disrupt the retail district.

There was no big secret to Cards Against Humanity creator Max Temkin's ploy to sell 30,000 boxes of actual bull feces on Black Friday. His game simply has a lot of fans, and some of those fans will evidently buy literally anything he sells. Still, Temkin broke down the finer points of shit-slinging in a blog post this week.

Are you one of the 30,000 thirsty rubes who were lucky enough to score the Cards Against Humanity Bullshit Box before it sold out on Black Friday? Congratulations: you are a reprehensible human being, and you got exactly what you deserved.

It's Black Friday, which means at this very moment hundreds of thousands of shoppers are cramming themselves into malls across this great nation for the annual Walmart Hunger Games, where one person walks away with an HDTV and everyone loses.

I remember sitting at the table with my parents, my father's parents and his brother, my mother's sister, and a couple of other people whose exact connection to our family I was too young to glean. The only image of Thanksgiving I had at the time, it quickly became the ideal for the holiday, which all others would be compared. Whatever conversations happened around the table were beyond my grasp, and I wasn't adventurous enough to try every food in front of me, but the warmth of family stuck with me.

If you would like to celebrate the execrable American tradition of "Black Friday" by protesting Walmart, here is where you can find the protest that will happening closest to you.

Vicky Torres and Juanita Alva parked themselves outside of a Beaumont, Ca. Best Buy last week so they can be the first in line for the store's Black Friday sale. They're likely sitting out there right now, in their folding chairs. "We're good to go," Torres told KABC.

Last year, all-American employer Walmart started its "Black Friday" sales in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner, which was a real treat for Walmart employees. This year, hell, why not just make it whole week? Of hell?

This past weekend nearly 150 million Americans braved Black Friday — literally a deadly holiday — spending at least $57 billion dollars in pursuit of the sale. And yet evidence suggests that the idea of a sale price is largely artificial. So why do we have such a Pavlovian response whenever the word "doorbuster" is used?

Why trample someone on Black Friday when you can use a stun gun? There's now a video of a woman at the Franklin Mills Mall in Northeast Philadelphia zapping someone while shopping at 2:30 a.m.

It's Black Friday 2013 and Walmart sales are up, Walmart shoppers are down, online sales continue to grow, and the working poor can't even afford to buy the discounted goods they're selling. No matter where you are in the United States, it's hard to escape the reach of the shopping madness, something everyone pretends to hate until they have a bargain-priced new television in their family room.

Some Black Friday fights at Walmart are worth fighting. Workers are currently protesting the high cost of the company's low wages in 1,500 protests across the country. A protester dressed as Santa has already been arrested in Ontario, Calif.

A Las Vegas man was shot Thursday evening while carrying a big-screen TV home from a Target store. According to the Associated Press, the victim will survive but it's "unclear what happened to the TV."

According to a Walmart press release, Thanksgiving was a day of record-breaking sales, sales that were "bigger, better, faster, cheaper and safer than ever."

[Shoppers spend their Thanksgiving evening relaxing with loved ones at the Brea Mall in Brea, Calif. The mall opened at 8:00 p.m. on Thanksgiving and will stay open until 10:00 p.m. Friday. Photo by Jae C. Hong via AP]

It's that time of the year again. Time to gather your loved ones to celebrate Thanksgiving's most time-honored tradition.

Thanksgiving Eve had come again,
Outside a blustery chill.
A tiny boy of six years old,
Came crashing down the hill.
The leaves did scatter, brown and orange.
How fearsome was the sight:
Of Franklin Tom, the Turkey Beast,
Screeching in the night.

Labor organizers say that they plan to hold 1,500 protests nationwide against Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Former NYPD officer Jenny Mendez just wanted to get a good deal on some nice clothes last Black Friday. Instead, she got arrested, lost her job, and is now filing a lawsuit alleging that the shoplifting accusations against her were caused by racial profiling.