Boner pills! Cellphone cancer! Hospital infections! Leukemia drugs! Stillborn babies! Diet memory! Bipolar celebrities! Stank medications! And sexxxy news from 'neath the robes of Catholic womendom! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—against god's wishes!

Birth control extortion! Female gay condoms! Plastic beating hearts! Frozen vegetables! Tap dancing! Fiber to live! Greasy teenagers! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in what we consider a positive way!

Pope Benedict says that all people—not just male prostitutes—can use condoms> But only to prevent HIV, not for birth control. Thanks for giving us permission, but the only old German we're taking sex advice from is Dr. Ruth.

In a new book, Light of the World, Pope Benedict XVI tells a German journalist that condoms are okay, as long as they're used by male prostitutes to prevent the spread of HIV. Otherwise, wrapping it up remains super unholy.

This is going to sit well with Republicans: Next month a panel will meet to discuss the possibility of providing women with free contraception under the health care bill. Excellent news! The TV pundit yelling matches should be great. [AP]

Upset that Wisconsin high schools are teaching comprehensive sex ed to students, Juneau County District Attorney Scott Southworth says he will prosecute anyone who follows a state law that requires schools to teach students about contraception. Progressivism is destroying America!

Oy. The rollercoaster of a train wreck of a nuclear meltdown that is Teen Mom continues to slowly crush our souls. This week: more fighting, more advice, and a whole lot of regret.

Half of men who get vasectomies never get a follow-up test done to make sure their vasectomies worked. Those men are more likely to be "not highly educated and the fathers of four or more children." [Businessweek. Pic: WTFDYHAK]

Pesky condoms making you lose sensation? Hard to remember to take your birth control pill every morning? No worries, just watch an episode of Teen Mom and you will never forget to strap on that rubber again.

Hey, strippers, wanna max out your earnings? Stop taking birth control! That's the conclusion drawn from a recent University of New Mexico study showing that exotic dancers "made about $70 an hour during their peak period of fertility, versus about $35 while menstruating and $50 in between." Pill-popping pole performers, however, averaged almost twenty dollars less than their nonspermicidal-wombed colleagues, which the study suggests is a result of the pill's "hormonal cues indicating early pregnancy." To research this very important subject, psychologist Geoffrey Miller "tapped the talent at local gentlemen's clubs and counted tips made on lap dances," which, to us at least, makes Geoffrey Miller perhaps the greatest psychologist ever. If you can convince someone to shell out grant money so you can spend your afternoons hanging out with Dakota and Stormee at the Titty Trap you are pretty much tops in your (or any) field.