The socialist Obamacare bill has conservative columnists scrambling for any lame historical analogy they can scrap together. But the hottest one, Napoleon's Waterloo, is being used for the commies and the God-fearing patriots. Straighten this out guys, it's getting confusing!

How many discredited former Bush White House officials can one newspaper publish? Fred Hiatt is collecting them like Pokemon. Marc Thiessen, Bush speechwriter and torture enthusiast, will be writing a weekly column for The World's Worst Opinion Section.

France's first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, turns 42 today. Les Moonves, CBS's CEO, is turning 61. Badgley Mischka designer James Mischka is 49. Soap star Susan Lucci is 63. Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder is turning 45. Retired Army General (and onetime presidential aspirant) Wesley Clark turns 65 today. Conservative columnist Bill Kristol is 57. Author Donna Tartt is 46. NHL star Scott Gomez is turning 30. Model Estella Warren turns 31. '80s idol Corey Haim is 38. And Holly Madison, best known as the former girlfriend of Hugh Hefner and co-star of Girls Next Door, is downright ancient (by Playboy standards, at least) as she turns 30 today.

Occasionally, Bill Kristol lets his "boring hack" disguise slip and reveals his "shameless raging partisan asshole" side. Like in a Weekly Standard post, today, about how Democratic Senator Ben Nelson should kill health care reform because of the weather!

President Obama's new Afghanistan policy seems like basically the Afghanistan policy he kept promising he'd pursue doing the campaign, so why is everyone so surprised? Unfortunately for America, there is concrete, inescapable proof that it will not work:

Bill Kristol thinks Barack Obama will swing by Afghanistan for a surprise visit on his way back from Copenhagen. Sounds reasonable. But Bill: Why all the detail?

Irving Kristol, the godfather of Neoconservatism, is dead at 89. We have him to thank for Reaganomics, the Bush Doctrine, and Bill Kristol.

Hmm! Former McCain blogger and current Weekly Standard blogger Michael Goldfarb says his boss says two sources say Hillary Clinton is going to resign as Secretary of State to run for... Governor of New York!(?)

Just before midnight, a "note" was posted on Sarah Palin's Facebook page titled, "Concerning the 'Death Panels.'" Predictably, the media latched onto it and reported her thoughts. However, there's a problem: there's no way in hell Sarah Palin wrote it.

Ever wonder how The Daily Show books so many guests of the conservative persuasion? Apparently it has something to do with the fact that Jon Stewart is one of the few hosts on television who's considered fair and intellectually curious.

It only took New York Times official reasonable conservative columnist Ross Douthat three months to turn in his first completely dishonest paint-by-numbers Republican hack op-ed. Did you know that red states rule, and blue states drool?

In 1995, Rupert Murdoch founded The Weekly Standard, a right-wing magazine that lost millions of dollars every year. But his new toy is The Wall Street Journal, and so he's sold the Standard to another rich conservative.

Good morning! Bill Kristol will receive $250,000 for being an asshole who is always wrong this June.

• Jim Cramer hits The Daily Show tonight. And in what can only be interpreted as an effort to dial down the ass-kicking headed his way, Cramer is now claiming Jon Stewart is "his idol." Good luck with that there, Jim. [HP]
• Should CNBC's Erin Burnett really be making appearances on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice? Maybe not: "NBC keeps testing the limits between news and entertainment in pursuit of cross-promotional synergy." [NYT]
• "Sully" Sullenberger has scored a two-book deal worth $3 million. [TDB]
• Ann Coulter "has been especially noisy in her self-promotion lately," which may have something to do with the fact her book isn't selling. [Portfolio]
• More and more TV shows are working the recession into storylines. [ABC]
• These are dark days for the newspaper biz, as you've probably heard. [NYT]
• More on Ross Douthat, the conservative blogger who has been hired by The New York Times to take over Bill Kristol's Op-Ed column. [E&P]
• Post staffers reflect on the life and times of Braden Keil, the paper's real estate columnist who died on Tuesday and who will be very much missed. [NYO]

Hooray! The Times found their new token conservative! Taking over for Bill Kristol: Mr. Ross Douthat.

Ok, great, this is happening now: Drudge Report operative Andrew Breitbart wants to pay Matt Damon $100,000 to "debate Bill Kristol," for serious, about the war. This is to prove that liberals are stupid.

Will the Times find another token conservative to fill Bill Kristol's shoes? Yes, duh. Tho editorial page editor Andrew Rosenthal wouldn't say who!

• Martha Stewart has sold a third of her shares in her eponymous media company. But she's still as anal as ever around the office. [NYP, Gawker]
• Bill Kristol's New York Times column has come to an end. [NYT]
• Fashion and beauty magazines will see a 22 percent decline in advertising pages during the first three months of the year. [WWD]
• Doubledown Media, the publisher of Trader, is reportedly up for sale. [NYP]
• Conde Nast is reorganizing its web division. [MW]
• Moody's has downgraded New York Times Co. debt to junk status. [NYP]
• A long Q&A between Lesley Stahl and Rachel Maddow. [Wow]
• Sundance ended yesterday without a big sale. [NYT]
• Once again, Paul Blart: Mall Cop was No. 1 at the box office. [THR]

Bill Kristol's getting a monthly column at the Washington Post. How wrong do you actually have to be to be barred from prominent punditry? This is why newspapers are dying, people! [The Corner]

"This is William Kristol’s last column." What a shock! Is January over already?