Bernie Kerik needs your help! The former police commissioner is defending himself on charges he accepted bribes, didn't report the freebies to the IRS, and later lied when he was being vetted for Homeland Security chief in 2004. But he's run out of money to pay his lawyers, and is having trouble paying for his Jersey mansion and his BMW and Range Rover! So he's turning to the public for help. He's set up a sad, little website with photos of him posing alongside his former BFF, Rudy Giuliani. Even sadder: He's throwing a fundraiser at a catering hall in Paterson, NJ in a few weeks and hoping to get people to hand over $75 to attend. [NYP]

Bernie Kerik, the disgraced former NYC police commissioner, turns 52 today, although we imagine that this year there will be no celebratory hugs from his former boss. Today is also Beyonce's birthday: the singer, actress, and wife of Jay-Z is 27. Celebrity DJ Mark Ronson turns 33 today. One of the many contenders for mayor in 2009, Anthony Weiner, is 44. Mike Piazza is 40. Damon Wayans is 48. And Shar Jackson, the woman gave birth to Kevin Federline's kids before he found Britney to do the job, is 32.

Purdue Pharma had a bit of a problem. They spent millions marketing their awesome new painkiller OxyContin as totally non-addictive, despite the fact that they knew it was very addictive. Then a bunch of poor Appalachian people started dying! And the DEA was beginning an investigation! As was a federal prosecutor! And also their own factory workers were stealing batches of the drug to sell on the black market! So, naturally, Purdue called Rudy Giuliani.

Disgraced former police commish Bernie Kerik is probably gonna wish he'd spent a couple fewer of his millions of "security contracting" dollars on platinum-infused mustache wax, as it looks like he's going to have to get a third lawyer to defend him against the government's charges that he's a corrupt asshole. Kerik apparently told Kenneth Breen to lie to federal investigators about the mobbed-up contractor who paid for renovations of Bernie's Bronx apartment, and now they want Breen to take the stand in the trial and conflict-of-interest etc. etc. Kerik "faces up to 142 years in prison if convicted," which means he could still swing the Homeland Security head job once he gets released during the final term of America's Cyborg Tsar Giuliani.

Kerik lawyer may not represent at trial [NYDN]

Kenneth Breen—the lawyer for corrupt former police commish Bernie Kerik who isn't accused of passing false information to federal prosecutors—is losing his bid to get access to prosecutor's evidence. He'll probably be forced to take the stand himself and he may be forced off the case. Breen argues that Kerik's chance at a fair trial have been ruined by all that reporting about his criminal behavior. The lawyer who passed on untrue information to the feds was nutty, Page Six-beloved Joe Tacopina, who used to represent falsely accused national heroes Jared Paul Stern and Foxy Brown. [NYP]

Gravel-voiced bulldog Joe Tacopina was a lawyer for corrupt former police commissioner Bernard Kerik—one that Kerik actually paid for services rendered. Because while the other guys were defending Kerik from pending indictments the old-fashioned "legal" way, Tacopina was, according to the U.S. Attorneys, passing on false information and obstructing justice—and that's the way you defend Bernie Kerik, dammit. (Back in April, Tacopina was praised to the heavens Page Six—and also used to represent former Page Sixer Jared Paul Stern and Foxy Brown.) Now Kerik's other lawyer may be tossed off the case for possessing non-privileged information about Tacopina's actions—and Tacopina will testify about Kerik's misdeeds. America is so cruel to its heroes.

Former police commissioner, Judith Regan-sexer, conspirator, tax-evader and all-around public-defrauder Bernard Kerik may be slapped with a bias lawsuit from a former corrections officer who claims he was passed over for a promotion because he was too black and too strong. Though the guy bringing the suit might not be entirely reliable, considering a judge already dismissed a bunch of his claims! He'd previously complained that he "suffered retaliation after beating departmental charges that he had sexually harassed a female correction officer who had had an affair with Kerik" (which does sound like an equally believable reason for Bernie to snub him). Kerik is currently under indictment for all that stuff we mentioned in the first sentence besides sleeping with Judith Regan, which is not yet a federal offense.

[BIAS-SUIT WORRY FOR BERNIE [NYP]

Federal prosecutors are asking a grand jury to indict Bernie Kerik, the man who personally saved New York and Iraq from all the criminals. You accept one $165,000 bribe and suddenly all your accomplishments mean nothing. Kerik also failed "to report as income more than $200,000 in rent that they say was paid on his behalf to use a luxury Upper East Side apartment," but jeez, who among hasn't forgotten to save an important receipt or two? Let's all pray for a speedy resolution to this whole misunderstanding, so that Kerik's name can be cleared and President Giuliani can once again begin appointing him to various government positions against the recommendations of any sensible people he might still have around him. We kinda like the sound of "Secretary of State Bernard Kerik." We should set up the Kerik Legal Defense Fund so Bernie can start actually paying his lawyers!

U.S. Will Ask a Grand Jury to Indict Kerik [NYT]

If Rudy Giuliani can be half as criminal and corrupt while president as his tax-evading public fraud-committing police commissioner Bernie Kerik was back in the day, American will finally be safe. Or so he said to the AP, in yet another installment of our favorite series, "Rudy Giuliani defends his indefensible friends with vague platitudes about about mistakes and forgiveness."

Bernie Kerik—Rudy's ultimate bro, former New York police commish, quickly-withdrawn nominee to head the Department of Homeland Security, baldie, sexer-of-Judith Regan at a free Ground Zero apartment, former Interim Minister of Interior of Iraq (we always forget that one), and all-around mobbed-up creep—is apparently evading more than just taxes. His lawyers are suing him for $200,000 in unpaid legal bills! Soon he will hire super-publicist Ronn Torossian and we can all watch him on Fox even more often.

Today Rudy Giuliani will speak at Pat Robertson's Regent University, where he will address a group of conservative voters who are at odds with some of his stances on social issues. Giuliani's goal, according to the Sun is to convince skeptics that "his bona fides on leadership and fiscal discipline should trump his views on... like abortion." How will he do it?

Thanks, tipster! Boy, having an editor here who used to work in publishing sure is paying off.

The hits just keep coming for the Pirro campaign: Today's Post reports that she was instrumental in steering "a no-bid contract to Bernard Kerik and Rudy Giuliani's security firm, rebuffing protests about the arrangement." Pirro's spokesman rationalizes the sweetheart deal: "In order to guarantee that A & P met her high standards, she wanted to use a best-in-class firm to monitor A & P's compliance with the law." We're inclined to accept that account: when it comes to monitoring, Kerik is clearly Neaner's go-to guy. Elsewhere, Ben Smith notes the following quote Pirro delivered at a recent fundraiser: "I will not be bowed, I will not bend over...", which, if nothing else, goes a long way toward explaining why Al would want to fuck that other broad.

It's like watching a mortally wounded animal. You're only sorry that it has to suffer and that there's nothing you can do about it.

After soiling ourselves with fear over yesterday's foiling of the air terror plot, we decided to see how the story was being covered in the media. It was a fairly predictable series of packages designed to once again liberate your bowels from their contents (our particular favorite moment came when ABC's Chris Cuomo gravely informed us that "hair gel can be made into a bomb nicknamed 'The Mother of Satan'.") One local channel, however, went above and beyond the call of duty: Fox 5 summoned up the expertise of Bernard Kerik, former police commissioner, and recent subject of a photo-shoot for Bronx prosecutors. Bernie's currently busy solving the mystery of the missing million, so you've got to consider Kerik a pretty good "get" for Fox. And the Feds.

Former New York police commissioner and failed nominee for head of Homeland Security Bernie Kerik can't even catch a break on eBay. Granted, Kerik's police jacket (unmet starting bid: $1,000) and other memorabilia were being auctioned by alleged Kerik pal John Picciano, who "said he lives in Brazil." An "annoyed cop" griped, "Who wants a perp's jacket?". Unfortunately the auctions were pulled from eBay yesterday, so you will have to seek elsewhere for your photo of Kerik "hobnobbing" with Wayne Newton.

What can you say about a criminal justice system that returns this man to the streets? Dude looks scary. We wouldn't want to meet up with him in a dark alley. Well, not without $165,000 in gifts to give him, anyway.