Perhaps proving once and for all that the Democratic party is secretly controlled by a cadre of giggling Republican Congressional interns, the Washington Post's Reliable Source column reports that Virginia Dems might want to recruit high-profile John Kerry baby-eater Ben Affleck (who's apparently looking for a place to live in the Charlottesville area) for a Senate run:
Livid that their favorite actor has been given the heave-ho from Alias, angry Michael Vartan fans have apparently started a campaign of "misinformation" against co-star and former lovah Jennifer Garner, whom they blame for Vartan's unceremonious curb-kicking. Page Six runs down the finer points of a memo being distributed by the fans, then gives an ABC publicist equal time to refute reports of the evil laser beams supposedly emnating from Garner's eyes:
· Ben Affleck is in "talks" to write and produce the TV drama Resistance for Touchstone, apparently hedging his bets in case this acting stuff doesn't pan out. [Variety]
· Shockingly, Fox's probe into American Idol judge Paula Abdul's alleged conflict-causing coaching/boinking of former contestant Corey Clark turns up no wrongdoing, but the network plans to crack down on future judge-pitchy singer fraternization by affixing alarms to the genitals of all AI staff. [THR]
· The Island attempts to become something of a smaller disaster through the foreign box office, beating out Charlie and the Chocolate Factory this weekend. [Variety]
· As the clock approaches midnight on December 31st and Ryan Seacrest hugs New Year's Rockin' Eve co-host Dick Clark a little too tightly, microphones will probably not pick up Seacrest's whispered New Year's wishes to his mentor, "I thought I got rid of you for good last year, but this time I've burned that picture in your attic, old man. You'll be dead before the ball's finished dropping." [THR]
· V does execu shuffle, longtime staffer becomes ed, Bart remains chief. Eh, can we really bring ourselves to care? [Variety]
· Despite being fired off the Brooke Shields MOW, Johnny Drama's quote proves too costly for producers, who opt for Karl Urban to play the lead in Viking remake Pathfinder. [THR]
· Immediately stop what you're doing and get a good pre-happy hour buzz going with the incredible Tara Reid Drinking Game from the bored geniuses at Liquid Generation. We've already taken it for a test drive, and we must say, Reid is a formidble opponent.
· You've lost hours daydreaming about what it might be like to inherit Paul Rudd's cellphone number, but now you can read about what it's really like.
· The origin of the Ben Affleck Chair...revealed! Turns out it was an expensive gift from Kevin Smith.
· A Christopher Walken run for president in 2008 could almost—almost!—get us out to vote. [via Screenhead]
· At least Sony doesn't have any illusions about the quality of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. "'Movies don't have to be "Gone With the Wind" if they are entertaining,' said Geoff Ammer, Sony's president of worldwide marketing."
We have no idea why someone's painted Ben Affleck's face on a child-size chair, or why such a moving objet d'art was being removed from Affleck's house. Perhaps the chair was delivered to his residence by his "number one fan," who lit himself on fire on the front lawn once he realized he and Affleck would never be together now that Jennifer Garner and the baby are in the picture, and the painting was too painful a reminder of the tragic intersection of crushing fame and unrequited love. Who knows? It's Friday morning and we don't need to have all the answers. In any case, it's a more flattering likeness than Affleck's Police Sparkling Gun Playset.
A reader was surprised to find Ben Affleck's square-jawed good looks gracing this cheaply made toy's packaging at a Chicago flea market, but shook off the momentary disorientation (no, he's probably not that hard up for cash) and snapped it up for our amusement. (She was further surprised that she couldn't take advantage of the depressed market for the actor's services and haggle the vendor down to fifty cents, and had to pony up a buck for this piece of obviously unauthorized Affleck memorabilia.) Perhaps even more jarring than Affleck's unconvincing portrayal of a toy-endorsing cop in his new medium, Flimsy Cardboard Backing Theater, is that his rogue cop would include a hand grenade in his crimefighting arsenal. We'd always pegged Ben as more of a tazer guy.
Are those wedding bells we hear, or the sound of the rockets of celebrity-marriage annihilation whistling through the air, ready to destroy the media over the coming Fourth of July weekend? It's hard to tell, the sounds are surprisingly similar. In any case, US Weekly reports that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner tied the proverbial, probably temporary knot yesterday on the Caribbean islands of Turks and Caicos, saving the couple's much-rumored baby from technical bastardhood. And we hate to be crass on such a happy occasion, but we really hope that Affleck didn't mar the ceremony by whipping out the Benitals when the priest asked for the ring, for such antics have no place on the altar.
According to an article on the always incredibly reliable Female First website, Jennifer Garner's withholding toes from fiancé/impregnator Ben Affleck. To the paparazzi lens, the relationship looks wholly satisfying, but every time Affleck thinks about ex Jennifer Lopez's little piggies, he descends into sepia-toned remembrances of toe-sucking past and the accompanying Pavlovian drooling response:
Call off the Jennifer Garner WombWatch! While we were rolling on Saturday and hugging tourists on the Third Street Promenade, one kind stranger escaped our chemically-induced love-clinch and asked if we were so happy because Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner announced that they've created another human life deep underneath her Alias-toned abs. So now that we're finally hugged out and back in front of the internets: Huzzah! We're especially elated that the couple's canny PR team observed the Order of Operations for a celebrity knocking-up: engagement first, fertilized eggs second.
Daredevil...Gigli...Paycheck...Jersey Girl...Surviving Christmas... it all seems to make sense now.
The only way to say it is to just say it...from Page Six:
A year after the destruction of the celebrity entity known as "Bennifer," Jennifer Lopez's engagement ring has made it back to jeweler Harry Winston's, where it's currently up for resale to "serious buyers." There's no word on exactly how the jeweler "reacquired" the ring, but Ben Affleck can't be happy that it's back in circulation. He thought the thing was gone for good after he spent his downtime last year crossing Mordor so that he could toss the ring into a volcano and dispel the evil curse on his career. Now it looks like somebody fished the cursed thing out of the molten lava and he'll once again be consigned to a life of Paychecks and Surviving Christmases.
If we didn't know better, we'd think that all of the nonstop Pitt-Aniston break-up coverage was a brilliant subterfuge perpetrated by Jennifer Garner's publicist. Just like that, no one's talking about whether or not Ben Affleck's demon seed has taken hold inside Garner. Luckily, we've got operatives who don't take their eye off the womb, no matter the magnitude of the distraction:
No one ever thought the movie would actually survive until Christmas, but Stillborn Before Halloween just didn't have the same ring to it.
It's always an incredible relief to discover that one half of your favorite celebrity couple may be pregnant with the other half's offspring, but there's still this incredibly tense period between the publicist's denial of the pregnancy and that first Entertainment Tonight confirmation that they're expecting, when Hollywood holds its collective breath and cattily whispers to itself, "Jesus Fucking Christ, she's really let herself go. Hope she's not headed to rehab!' Let's all cross our fingers and hope that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are having a baby, rather than the unsavory alternative.
