Literary savior Keith Gessen responds to The Youngs: "And here, let me be a little less charming for a second [a second! –ed]: If you-all of you-get out of your 20s having done half of what we've done at one half the level of quality, I'll buy you a beer." Then he quotes Lodwick. [The Most Important Tumblr of Our Time]

This ad for Cooper's Beer just won an award at the prestigious ad festival in Cannes. I guess because of its sophisticated message: No Fat Chicks. The copy reads "Only 2.9% alcohol," meaning you won't get too wasted to notice this pretty girl is totally not skinny, and if you take her home, dude, whoa, watch out in the morning! I would really like to hear some Jezebel input on this thoughtful campaign. Click through for the second terrible award-winning spot, which has the equally important message: No Nerdy Chicks With Freckles Either, Broheim!:

Is it possible that beer advertising is becoming "silly" and "arbitrary?" We're going to go with "what do you mean, 'becoming?'" But the lack of "weight" and "integrity" to the "brand stories" of beer companies these days is really weighing on Seth Stevenson, Slate's generally sharp ad critic-and a man who obviously takes beer very seriously. While you or I might just accept that beer ads, of all things, are destined to be stupid in order to appeal to drunks, Stevenson allows a vapid Amstel commercial to send him into a deep spiral of despair. Why aren't they emphasizing the "five valid, logical criteria for choosing one beer over another" in their TV spots?!?!:

Listen, we know you're all excited about the news of InBev's $46 billion bid to buy Anheuser-Busch. But have you considered the possible side effect? Fewer beer ads! A-B spends half a billion dollars a year on commercials, and another $300 million on sports sponsorships. But InBev—the maker of fey non-American beers like Stella Artois—is run by Belgian cheapskates who do comparatively little advertising at all. Watch out, Budweiser Clydesdales, Spuds MacKienzie, and American sportsmanship: foreigners are coming to destroy you!

"You can almost count the calories on your fingers and toes," claims an ad for Miller Genuine Draft Light. Quite an ambitious statement! Or you could call it "totally false." But it all depends on how freakishly high your total number of fingers and toes is—perhaps some severely mutated babies born in the wake of the Chernobyl disaster could indeed make the claim true. MGD's full ad, with its boldly stated mathematical impossibility, is below.

Apparently there's only one script for viral ads on the Internet: Guy does small trick with product, guy does bigger trick with product, guy's friends tell camera, each other, bystanders and guy how awesome he is. There's always music in the background and you can always tell it's fake. I just explained how the same ad agency that did this for Ray-Ban last year just did it for Levi's; apparently Coors hired someone for a cut-rate version in this terribly staged YouTube "viral video" of Coors can tricks, shown below (along with a cute little parody).

From a 1932 ad for the Automat in London: "Dialing [the] number of soft drink or wine delivers a shot from the spigot, thus eliminating customary bar tenders." Well, that can't possibly have been good for the wine. [Modern Mechanix]

This fictional ad for the "Steinway Beer Garden" in "Dukes" is maybe supposed to be the Bohemian Hall Beer Garden in Astoria. Oh, and it's from the forthcoming Grand Theft Auto IV. Warm Beer and Misogyny! What New York—and video games—are all about.

Wondering what will happen in tomorrow's Pennsylvania primary? You could look to national trends or polls of likely Pennsylvania voters. Or you could make like NBC and only poll the important voters of Pennsylvania: gun-owners, bowlers, and, yes, beer-drinkers. Nothing proves that you understand the working class like reinforcing a cartoon stereotype of blue-collar life! Of course the bowlers and gun-owners don't care for Obama. The beer-drinkers, though, are split. They should've specified domestic beer-drinkers, we're sure the Obama votes are coming from import snobs. Guzzling Kölsch and eating caviar! Elitists!

A man named John has been keeping track of all the beers he has drunk since 1988. He posts an updated version of the list, cross-referenced by total amount, order, and beer name, on the internet. Quite the idea. [John's Beer Drinking Records, via Coudal]

Brazilian beermakers Nova Schin had a conundrum on their hands: How to build buzz for their non-alcoholic flavor? Unfortunately, there's nothing more pathetic and soul-destroying than drinking alcohol-free beer ... perhaps one could mine that pathos for an evocative ad campaign. But if not, you can just return to familiar beervertising hot-chick territory, with a Photoshop twist targeting a niche that supposedly might actually want your product. Full images after the jump. Technically SFW, but proceed with psychic caution.