In the new issue of the New Yorker, Malcolm Gladwell delves into what really caused the collapse of Wall Street. His conclusion: It had more to do with cocky banker egos than it did institutional failure or general dumbassery.

Bank of America posted a $3.2 billion profit last quarter, and Citigroup earned $4.3 billion. The friend you lent $50 last week so he could afford groceries is showing you his new iPhone. Punch him in the face.

Goldman Sachs earned $3.5 billion in profits last quarter. Also, it earned a huge fucking target on its back.

Maybe you heard yesterday about how things are going great over at Goldman, like $1,000,000 for each employee great? So surely there were some sick banker celebrations going down last night, right? Not if management can help it!

Break out the bubbly and bring back the bottle service, because the huge banks that nearly collapsed on themselves in a terrifying Domino Effect of Financial Doom are back in the black, baby!

Some wacky Harvard Business School kids decided to write up a case study on undead Chelsea celebuclub Marquee, probably so they could get past the doorman. They found out Marquee's profit:

Oh look, just this morning laid-off banker and male model David Webb was profiled in the Observer, and here it's only lunchtime and we have an absolute treasure trove* of beefcake photos of him.

If you ever idly considered going to Buenos Aires to enjoy its humid subtropical climate, tango music, and world famous zoo, just forget it. The entire city is now populated by laid-off American bankers.

New York City is planning to spend $45 million to "retrain" hapless laid off investment bankers, so they have some useful skill. But retrain them to do what? We have some ideas!

Congress lived the dream today, just straight-up yelling at some bankers. Watch and enjoy the shaming and grandstanding!

Morgan Stanley and Citigroup got $60 billion in bailout cash, and they need to cut $1.1 billion from their budgets for their merger, so, naturally, they're paying $3 billion in bonuses for performance. Sorry, "awards."

So, have you been keeping up with these two laid-off 20-something investment bankers who are now giving you their unfiltered perspective online at Bankergonebroke.com? With their newfound free time, they turn up hidden gems about life in the gritty city: "Trader Joe’s at 14th St and 3rd Ave is an oasis in the desert of the Manhattan eating scene," they discover. "At TJ’s, you can find natural organic snacks along with delicious easy to prepare frozen meals. Surprisingly, these meals are also relatively healthy and best of all, cheap." Just goes to show that the best and the brightest can thrive in any environment.

Hey, Sanjay Sanghoee, the hedge funder who's raising money from hedge funds to make a movie about a heroic hedge funder, has apparently been trying this nonsense since college. A former business school peer of Sanjay's just emailed us to inform us that back at Columbia, Mr. Sanghoee "was the founder, president and sole member of the Film Financing Club." He's been sending these fund-seeking mass emails for years. Former b-school associates received this one just a few weeks ago, as the banking crisis threatened the money Sanghoee had raised to date. If his screenplays are half as captivating as his pitch emails, it'll be a hell of a picture.

Like you, I went to the New York Times homepage this morning hoping to read a charming story about Barack Obama's upbringing. Instead, I was bombarded with news that J.P. Morgan (along with the Fed) was bailing out Bear Stearns. Oh nos! And here I thought Bear Stearns and J.P. Morgan were the same company. (Not exactly true, but whenever bankers would tell me where they work, it was like you live in Murray Hill or Gramercy? Is there a difference?) I know what you're thinking. "What does this have to do with me? All my money is in credit card debt. And what does subprime mortgage even mean?" Well, funny you should ask, because subprime mortgages got Bear Stearns got into this mess.

As the collapsing housing market brings the nation closer to financial ruin and banks threaten to end the quarter with multi-billion dollar losses, New York's bankers are now, finally, turning against each other and fighting in public. Unfortunately it was part of a big sanctioned boxing tournament and not like a street brawl or something. (Yet!)

In what is likely to be the last ever edition of Ad Hoc Altarcations, we see the Post's wedding section slipping ever closer towards gentrification. Over the course of five items, we are introduced to some consultants, some bankers, some Russians, and a couple who seemed honest until we learned of their address on the Upper West Side. Almost everyone met on the internet. Our winners, a secretary and a retired Marine now working in the police force, were chosen practically by default, and they represent a dying breed—one that we hope will repopulate the Post and restore the ecosystem once Gawker Weekend is off the beat.

They're mean. They're nasty. They're the bad men momma warned you about.