In a development that we really would have preferred not to have happened at all, psycho loner nation North Korea has launched a big missile. A big, crazy missile. Oh shit.

British former reality TV star and current terminal cancer patient Jade Goody is a national obsession. She will die soon. But not soon enough for OK! magazine.

Whenever you think it's about as bad as it can get, it gets worse. The Dow finished the trading day at 6,763, its lowest level since 1997. How low can it go?

Earlier we showed you the horrifying, adult Mouseketeer-like "commercial" for Microsoft Songsmith (do not click that) that could drive the gentlest among us to murder. But at least it's inspiring a YouTube artistic explosion.

Are you quite enthusiastic about the upcoming release of the new Tom Cruise WW2 thriller Valkyrie? We are, if only for the myriad Tom Cruise posts it will inspire. And you know who else is? The Razzies people, who pick the worst movie of the year. Early reviews have them thinking they just might have a surefire winner here!: Choice quotes from an early MSNBC review:

Newspapers are freaking out left and right. They can't hire anyone. They can barely afford to cover anything. And some of them are so paranoid they're looking to sue their own employees. Like an alcoholic dad who beats his kids and blames the god damn factory that just laid him off, newspapers' problem is that they just can't make any dang money, because the internet ate up their market. Their only real hope: increasing web revenue to make up for what they've lost in print ads. The problem: their web revenue is now stalling. The solution: Batman. Ha, no really it's just "more death":

As I type this, I'm not in a cubicle; I'm chilling in a coffee shop of my choice. I'm wearing shorts and sneakers, not a "monkey suit" like some of you people. I could totally run outside right now and do some parkour and practice karate before coming back in to do my next post at my leisure! Isn't that awesome? Doesn't it make you jealous of the way I maintain my free, breezy lifestyle while still being an incredibly driven entrepreneur? No. It makes you want to slam my hands in a car door repeatedly until I can never type another thing. This, I'm afraid, is the point being missed by many "professionals" addicted to the internet. Job oversharing is now just as rampant as personal life oversharing. Christ, you business people are all turning into Emily Brill. We laughed at useless rich girl Brill for her dramatic(-ally blogged) declaration that "even my weekend in bedford wasn't entirely restful because i still felt ‘on duty' because i knew i'd be writing about it." Ha! But! Consider this from taser-loving, reporter-helping, cult-like-following-inspiring professional PR man Peter Shankman's long new blog post about how much he hates hearing the phrase "Why Don't You Do Some Work?":

Do you know what time it is? Time for the final awful excerpts of hot lady-banging dude blogger Tucker Max's movie script, that's what time! In the first half of the film, we saw Tucker asserting his status as an alpha male; in the second half, he reveals his sensitive side. Below, the final three lowlights of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell-embracing the themes of multiculturalism, midget sex, and, yes, diarrhea. We hope this doesn't spoil the movie for you: 4. Tucker's Friend Is Down With Mexicans, Mane:

Deep down in our hearts, where we keep our darkest fears hidden, we knew this day would come: the day when you find out after the fact that a hit song is actually an advertisement. Let the tears of rage flow. Chris Brown is not the vessel of true love that you thought! When the R&B star sang "We can go anywhere, go anywhere/ But first, it's your chance, take my hand, come with me," he wasn't talking to you, girl; he was talking to your Wrigley's Doublemint gum. But the company is only revealing its sponsorship after Brown's song, "Forever," had become a top-10 hit. We don't want to appear as if we invest the music of Chris Brown with any meaning whatsoever; but now would be an appropriate time to begin boycotting Wrigley, if you would like to have the option of listening to songs that aren't sponsored by mega-corporations in the coming decade.

With all the billions of dollars that pour into the Olympics, you'd think that the least the host committee could do would be to come up with a decent mascot. But no! In a classic case of overthinking something into oblivion, cities obsess over the stupid mascots for years, until they create some sort of awful mutant-by-committee. This year is no different: the WSJ reports that the Beijing mascot (five assorted weird animal-like creatures, pictured) is disliked even by the artist who created them. Throughout the 70s and 80s, mascots were fairly normal: a tiger, an eagle, a bear, a beaver, a gay dachsund. But in 1992 abstraction took over, and the whole enterprise went off the rails. After the jump, pictures of the Olympic mascots from '92 onwards. They suck:

Seven former US health secretaries have signed a letter calling on the government to ban menthol cigarettes, which have been exempted from an upcoming bill banning "flavored" cigarettes. Congress, thankfully, isn't backing them on this one. Do you know what we smoked before Kools? Beedies. They're even worse! Soon, shady Astroturf groups quietly financed by Big Tobacco will come together with unscrupulous hustlers posing as representatives of the black community to say: Hands off our bodies, government! [NYT]

Going to the movies is already way too expensive. In Manhattan, two tickets, a large popcorn, and a drink will run you more than $30. And since most movies suck, it's a hefty gamble. But "the price of movie tickets is expected to skyrocket by as much as 30% this year." What? Shouldn't competition from the internet and Netflix be driving the price of tickets down? How the hell can this happen? Besides the fact that Adam Sandler ain't getting any cheaper, this cinematic economic time bomb all comes down to one thing: precious, precious corn.

Two things I'm noticing about cock-spying New York Post columnist of evil Andrea Peyser: first, her columns are something like 300 words long. Even Post readers could be expected to puzzle through a bit more than that. Second, she's a racist, past even an ironic point of amusement. That's not news, but it does make for some harsh reading first thing in the morning. It's hard to tell whether she's a just-showing-off Ann Coulter-style racist, or a real nitty gritty racist from birth, but either way, she gets the job done. For racism! Today, she takes a bold, racist stance on rappers, what with all their shooting guns and hurling Blackberries and who knows what else. They're not even people; they're just "things":

Scarlett Johansson's *ahem* long-awaited Tom Waits cover album "Anywhere I Lay My Head" is hitting stores a week from today. But in order to demonstrate to your circle of friends that you are ahead of the curve when it comes to blonde starlets and their ego-driven vanity music projects, you can check out her album now on the social network imeem.com (she's "online now!"). It's more targeted than putting it out on laughably polluted Myspace, so from an online marketing perspective, it's a fair deal for ScarJo, and an even better deal for iMeem. But from the perspective of a Tom Waits fan, it's tragic. "I Don't Want To Grow Up" redone as a droning plinky synth-pop song? We're not friends any more. If all goes well technically, her playlist is embedded after the jump. Good credibility-builder for iMeem. Bad for ears:

Remember Lauren Cleri, the original terrible "Moment of Truth" contestant who sold out her husband and her marriage on live TV, only to walk away with no money at all? Well FOX has helpfully put a brand new update interview with her on YouTube. Seems she's having some relationship troubles now! Her husband is hurting. She's hurting. Everybody's hurting! But you know what? This experience has helped make her the strong woman that she is today. What hasn't gotten stronger, though: her sense of judgment, for doing this updated interview in the first place. The full video is after the jump.

Something to wear with your Kurt Cobain Converse on the way to a party at the Williamsburg Edge: a $190 Kurt Cobain t-shirt. For the sake of capitalism, let's hope this trend never ends! [Satchel of Gravel]