“Hamilton”-themed SoulCycle classes?

Principal Dorothy Bond of Haywood High School was not a good choice to lead the pep rally. During a recent meeting with students, she allegedly pointed to a bunch of gay students and told them they were going to hell. She also made sure that pregnant students were aware that their lives were over.

When the subway pulls into your station, you never know what you're going to find. You might end up sitting next to a passed out junkie in a wheelchair, you might get stuck on the dreaded "stinky car," or, worst of all, there might be a bunch of tacky assholes who took over the train with their party.

The worst show of the new season is on ABC and is called Work It. It is unbelievably horrible. Even the 90-second trailer is too long to tolerate. This thing puts Cop Rock, Viva Laughlin!, and even That Show With Heather Graham that Got Canceled After One Episode to shame. Behold!

Not good: "In a carefully organised operation, the militants attacked their guards and seized their weapons just as bands of heavily armed attackers descended on the prison in Mukalla on the Arabian Sea."

Fried candy pop act Katy Perry, already a hilarious musical comedienne with ribald and tasteful songs like "Ur So Gay" (in which she says she hopes an ex-boyfriend hangs himself with his faggy scarf), has now entered the realm of funny acting with a new video.

Between Kim Zolciak, Countess Crackerjacks, and Danielle Staub, it's pretty hard to "drop" the worst single ever spawned from Bravo's metastasizing Real Housewives franchise. Leave it to Simon van Kempen, husband of Real Housewives of New York's Alex McCord, to take the cake with an astronomically bad creation.

The new year has arrived and it is awful, what with bird/fish/crab death, floods, freezing temperatures, and zombie ex-Vice Presidents. So let's just put it all out there and list the reasons why this is already the worst year ever.

Three of Iowa's Supreme Court justices were voted out of office last night, chalking up a victory for the national anti-gay groups that spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on the race.

This sleazy ad has been on cable news all day. Former presidential candidate and country bear Fred Thompson wants old people to get "Absolutely FREE," government-backed reverse mortgages. What do we know about this shady company Thompson is endorsing?

Thanks to Bravo, we all know that Real Housewife of New York Countess LuAnn was recording a single in the "Tardy with the Party" style. "Money Can't Buy You Class" has arrived and is as bad as you imagined.

"Every cigarette you smoke can take years off your life," says this ghostly new anti-smoking ad. Technically that's a lie. But if it were true, smoking would be awful! More so. Click through to watch this counterproductive tricknology. [via Adfreak]

The Way We Live Now: Piling tragedy atop tragedy, in a towering tree of tragedy. It is not enough that the underclass exists; they must be made to suffer above and beyond their already harsh circumstances. Just like the overclass!

The Martha Stewart-Rachael Ray feud is amazing on paper: two head-strong domestic divas (one with a rap sheet) going at it in the press. It could have been as juicy as the Tropicana warehouse. Now it's ended with a whimper.

Women across America continue to wear "Spanx" and "Spanx"-like undergarments despite the fact that "Spanx" are clearly evil, most especially for the women wearing them, and whoever may be around when it's time for them to shed their "Spanx."

First it was Beverly Hills Chihuahua and now live-action shooting Guinea pig schlockfest G-Force wins at the box office. Before Hollywood OKs 19 talking animal movies, will someone please remind them about Kangaroo Jack? [EW]

Yes, gay movie Brüno made 30 million gay dollars at the gay box office this weekend, and headline writers just couldn't wait to write snappy little things about sashaying and topping! Clearly the point of the movie was not missed.

The Way We Live Now: Emasculated. Figuratively, as The Man gives us a few extra pennies in Welfare even as cops yank our falafel-cart permit; and literally, because the fashion industry must sell skinny jeans until all balls are crushed.

David Kellerman, the chief financial officer of money-bleeding mortgage firm Freddie Mac, was found dead in his Virginia home this morning. He'd apparently committed suicide. The financial crisis would be one obvious possible motive.

How does America deal with hard times? By trimming the fat from our budgets. D.I.Y., people! Out: paying people for things. In: squatting in houses and being your own lawyer!