So far the best thing anyone’s been able to say about the Brexit fallout is that it probably(?) will not be as bad as the collapse of Lehman Bros, which sent the U.S. into a once-in-a-lifetime recession. So... green shoots.

Today is the day—the day for the “Brexit” vote that you’ve been hearing so much about, against your will. What do you, the only very vaguely interested American, need to know?

Who wants to climb into this bowel bobbing in the river? With the likely L train shutdown looming in 2019—affecting 250,000 people who commute between Manhattan and Brooklyn daily—it’s time to look at possible solutions. One solution is turning parts of 14th Street into a bus, bicycle, and pedestrian only zone. And then, there’s this:

London is telling subway riders not to walk up the escalator because they say it moves more total people per hour that way—despite conclusive proof that people who stand on escalators don’t care about being late and should get the fuck out of our way because some of us have places to be. Sad.

Pensions are good. Pensions are worth preserving until something better comes along. But pensions that make impossible promises and cultivate lies are not the pensions we should hope for.

The Ted Cruz campaign is reportedly “vetting” former corporate executive and failed presidential candidate Carly Fiorina as a potential running mate, according to The Weekly Standard. We can save them some trouble.

One thing you can say about Donald Trump is that he has a knack for coming up with very bad ideas, such as his failed businesses selling steaks, vodka, air travel, the delights of Atlantic City, etc. His latest very bad idea was his unprovoked pledge to pay legal fees for the attendees of his rallies who beat up protestors. But today on Good Morning America, your home for the very best political news, Trump backtracked on that promise.

A judge in North Carolina’s Wayne County Superior Court is accused of abusing his power by asking a known FBI agent to snoop on his family members’ text messages. Judge Arnold Ogden Jones offered the agent two cases of beer in exchange for a disk full of texts, according to the federal indictment against him.

The husband of the mayor of a small Oklahoma town celebrated Halloween by donning a white robe emblazoned with a crucifix and then holding a large wooden cross near torches to make it look like it was aflame.

Marie “EnjoyPhoenix” Lopez is a French YouTuber whose beauty vlogs have earned her nearly 2 million subscribers, deals with cosmetics companies, and a slot on Dance Avec Les Stars. She’s wildly successful. But also, maybe not someone you should listen to about what homemade goop to put on your face.

In his impressive new book Relentless Strike, author Sean Naylor chronicles the sprawling history of the Joint Special Operations Command, or JSOC, America’s special forces killing apparatus. It’s filled with anecdotes of both bravery and waste, but one in particular stands out: In the aftermath of 9/11, the Pentagon considered staging an airline hijacking to fool us into feeling safer.

America’s student loan crisis is heavy weight that hangs over the heads of millions of people young and old, often preventing them from living the life they once dreamed of. One New Jersey legislator has a patronizing and useless pseudo-solution to this problem.

Did you ever wonder if you could jump all the way across the subway tracks?

One plausible estimate finds that America’s lowest-income households may spend more money playing (losing) the lottery than on any other form of tax. The lottery functions as a tax on those who can least afford to pay it.

Libertarian-esque wet dream Rand Paul is still considered a “serious” candidate for president, in part because people have not had time to fully digest his policy prescriptions. For example: today he proposed a massive tax cut for the rich!

Florida and Texas, famed for being the two most levelheaded and reasonable states in America, may soon allow college kids to carry concealed guns on campus.

Or an upside-down American flag teardrop. Either way, God bless the U.S.A. and her patriotic defenders!

Last week, an anonymous man suffered the self-inflicted double humiliation of apparently getting his erect penis stuck inside a roll of tape and asking the experienced masturbators of 4chan's /b/ how to remove his makeshift cockring.

Jill Abramson, who was unceremoniously ousted last year as editor of the New York Times, has signed a $1 million book deal. Her book's topic will be "the future of media in a rapidly changing world." This development can be interpreted as folly, or farce.

No.