Blind items! They happen. Especially in Craigslist's depths, where inanity prevails in the form of, among other ways you never wanted to consider possible, job listings. So we want to know: which "highly visable" former Obama roommate needs an assistant?

Hey, this frankly amazing Onion video almost kinda came true! Glenn Beck suffered an appendicitis attack on-air today.

Tomorrow is Election Day! You will probably not vote, because there are no contested races for anything important in 90% of the nation. But if you are a New Yorker, we have one message: don't vote for Michael Bloomberg.

You have heard, probably, about how Connecticut Senator Joe "Wallace Wimple" Lieberman inserted himself into the health care debate by announcing that he'd join a Republican filibuster against Harry Reid's bill. But no one has explained why!

Doree Shafrir has a new story in Details about rich guys who just won't stop spending money, during this recession. And all the guys have pseudonyms, like criminals! Do you know any evil rich people who fit these descriptions?

A grown man who is currently reenacting the Battle of Trenton on Twitter thinks he could be president in 2012.

Accustomed to being paid for doing absolutely nothing, reality television performance artist Heidi Montag refused to attend her own sister's birthday without compensation. What's the union rate for siblings?

Tucker Max's second week in theaters. Guess how he did. No, really. Guess.

Seriously, we cannot actually imagine watching this and cheering on the shrieking old white man. Even if we agreed that ACORN was a terrible criminal organization bent on helping all the prostitutes in the world fill out their taxes while registering illegal immigrant cartoon characters to vote, we would still be incredibly uncomfortable watching Tim Jones scream at a couple fucking kids (one of whom he definitely calls "boy" in his charming Boston accent) and their mother.

We knew Chris Brown wouldn't go to jail for beating Rihanna, so we can't say we're surprised a judge sentenced him to 1400 hours of community service this afternoon. But it's worth noting that the infamous incident wasn't isolated.

Last time we checked in with brilliant political thinker and former assistant US Attorney Andy McCarthy, he was writing Obama/Ahmadinejad slashfic. Today he is writing about fashion!

Perez Hilton got a fawning LA Times profile today. Instead of taking the opportunity to win fans back after recent publicity snafus, he used it as a platform to define his brand going forward: that of a professionally insufferable dick.

Chris Brown is really, really, really, really sorry for beating Rihanna to a pulp. [Youtube]

Radical Catholic Mullah Randall Terry is profiled in today's Washington Post. Terry used to be a prominent leader of the anti-abortion movement. Now, he is just a crazy loser whom no one likes.

Ron Paul gets shit for being the sole "no" vote on most popular, entirely symbolic bills, so when we read that there was one vote against a plaque honoring slaves at the Capitol, we thought we knew who was responsible.

Chris Brown, woman-beater, showed up at Puffy's White Party last weekend wearing a $300,000 pendant "that spelled out the word 'OOPS!' in diamonds." What a fucking asshole. [YBF via The Awl]

Today in the Washington Post editorial page: former UN Ambassador and unpleasant mustachioed asshole John Bolton says it is time for Israel to start a war with Iran.

So. What's up in Albany? Nothing. Nothing at all. It has actually been too depressing to even occasionally update you. Well, it's also been kind of funny. But now something might happen!

We thought we'd read nothing worse today than Kathryn Jean Lopez's op-ed on John Ensign's affair. But then we read her NRO colleague Andy McCarthy on how Obama is totally an Islamist Fundamentalist!