Cops say a woman waiting for an Uber ride in D.C. this weekend was sexually assaulted after she mistakenly got into a stranger’s car instead.

Emile Hirsch—who is facing real jail time after allegedly putting a female film executive in a headlock at a party last month—just checked himself into rehab, TMZ reports.

Last week, Jeffrey Babbitt was randomly attacked in Union Square, allegedly for being white. Yesterday, the 62-year-old from Sheepshead Bay died in Bellevue Hospital.

Attention, residents of Strongville, Ohio! A possibly-violent banana (-costumed person) is on the loose, having assaulted a man wearing a gorilla costume outside a cell phone store. "I noticed a kid in the bushes. Then he just emerged, dressed up as a banana, and sprinted as fast as he could at our gorilla," manager Brandon Parham, told WJW-TV. "He just looked like a Spartan from that movie 300, except he was a banana." How does such a thing happen? Who is responsible? When will WJW reporter Melissa Reid get an award for this sentence: "Police say the person dressed up as a banana split and headed south on Pearl Road"? We may never know. Police, we are told, "believe it was a prank." [WJW-TV]

In 2009, 51 New York City bus drivers took paid leave after being spat upon, taking, on average, three months off. And guess whose fault it is? The MTA, of course, for pissing people off by cutting service. [NYT; pic]

After an argument outside of LaGuardia, Robert De Niro's driver sprayed a paparazzo in the face with pepper spray. The actor was already past security when it happened. Let's hope this press aggression doesn't continue. Be careful out there, boys!