The cyclist who was riding through Times Square during July's Critical Mass ride when a thug cop viciously slammed him to the pavement has been cleared of all charges. Although Officer Patrick Pogan claimed in court documents that Christopher Long intentionally steered his bike into him, the Manhattan District Attorney has joined with the rest of the city in telling Pogan, "Fuck you, guy." Pogan charged Long with attempted assault, resisting arrest, and disorderly conduct. As the tape shows, that's just a whole bunch of crap. Which presents a little problem for the officer.

Remember the big paparazzi beat-down by surfers in Malibu this past weekend? Well, there's now supposed to be a big Saturday rumble between the two groups, who have been trading taunts in the comments of pap-run news site X17.com. The original clash pitted a mob of entitled white Malibu denizens against the rough-and-tumble paps, some of whom are ex-gang members and many of whom are immigrants, some illegal. The new fight promises even more fun ethnic tension under the sun:

Some of the lovely paparazzi from TMZ and X17 were on the beach in Malibu Saturday, trying to get shots of a shirtless Matthew McConaughey, when a group of civic-minded surf dudes took a break from the tasty waves to kick some ass. "The 29-year-old photojournalist told sheriff's deputies that a large group of surfers near Paradise Cove in Malibu approached him and other paparazzi about 2 p.m. and demanded they stop taking pictures and filming. 'They formed a semicircle in front of his camera and they said he [McConaughey] didn't want him to film,' said Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore. 'They got into an argument, and he indicated that he received injuries. . . . [They] took the video camera and threw it in the water.'" Awesome surfer quotes and video link after the jump.

Scary-hot attack doll and terrible person Naomi Campbell says the victims of her latest round of beatings are racists, though she can't or won't identify who supposedly uttered the slur that supposedly sent her into slap-and-throw-things-at-people mode. "British Airways rejected claims of racism on Saturday after supermodel Naomi Campbell, who pleaded guilty to assault in a foul-mouthed 'air rage' incident, said she was likened to a black 'Golliwog' doll during the flight. BA said it did not accept the accusation made by Campbell, who was convicted of assault on Friday and sentenced to 200 hours of unpaid community work, that someone on the flight called her a 'Golliwog supermodel.'"

In an episode that was simultaneously poignant, noble, and hilariously out of touch, old New York Times reporter David Dunlap—who is always on the lookout for "illegal marketing campaigns"— says he "sensed a story on the evening of the 14th, when I came across two or three young men stapling posters for a new hip-hop album to lampposts." He started taking pictures of them, and they asked him what he was doing. He replied that what they were doing was illegal; then a guy attacked him and smashed his camera [City Room via FishbowlNY]! Dunlap got pushed down and roughed up, but is unharmed. And he refuses to press charges, because he's so grateful that they didn't stomp him out or rob him at the same time!

It's time to play "Which snippet from the Times Real Estate section makes you most want to assault the person in the story?" There are two entrants this week, and it should be a tight race. First, imagine living next door to a pair of bastard attorneys who slip a note under your door saying, "As you may not be aware, we are both lawyers and both litigators, for whom the usual barriers to litigation are minimal." The crime? Purported secondhand smoke, which was purportedly "endangering" the bastards' four-year-old son, who I imagine is named Jebediah. The kicker: "The neighbor, a chain smoker, said she had tried to respond to their complaints and had even bought air purifiers to reduce the amount of smoke. But the lawyers complained that she had failed to provide them with receipts proving that she had made the purchases." I feel some serious assault coming on. But damn, how about this one: