Anyone hoping the harrowing saga of Florida 11-year-old Jessi Slaughter might have a happy ending will be sorely disappointed.

A 31-year-old Pennsylvania man high on America's latest drug scourge, snortable bath salts, went on a crazy rampage last month. It started when he ditched his car on the side of the highway and started running because, according to police, "he thought it was melting and electricity was following him."

A new report from the Drug Policy Alliance alleges that New York City is currently spending something like $75 million every year on low-level marijuana possession charges—the vast majority of which are directed at black and Latino youths.

A Connecticut man was arrested for possession after both calling 911 and complaining to a uniformed cop that the $40 bag of coke he got from his dealer was light. Hello! The police aren't drug dealer customer service reps! [TSG]

Mitchell Tice, a resident of Florida (of course), was arrested for breaking into his boss' storage locker and stealing two laptops, a wig, and a bag full of dildos. Tice kept the sex toys under his bed, which is how the police identified him as the criminal.

Theodora Richards, one of Keith Richards's perpetually nude model/socialite daughters, was arrested in New York last night for tagging "T♥A" on a Soho building with a paint marker. She was taken into custody, and when searched by the cops, weed and Xanax was discovered.

Rapper Juelz Santana was arrested Tuesday after police raided his New Jersey recording studio and found two loaded pistols and a bunch of "suspected marijuana" — all "within 1,000 feet of a school zone." Oops.

Yesterday the FBI arrested over 100 people around New York for mafia ties and "classic mob hits," and some of them have awesome names: "Jack the Whack, Marbles, Skinny, Jonny Pizza, Junior Lollipops, Jimmy Gooch and Baby Fat Larry."

The FBI says it's begun arresting more than 100 alleged gangsters from six New York and New Jersey mob families this morning in what it calls the largest Mafia round-up in New York history. If you're a mobster, hide now.

A Kansas City woman was arrested last night when police arrived at her home and found her husband shot in the genitals. One of two things must have happened, but both scenarios are pretty atrocious.

Cops arrested Shawn Peace—who was identified from this video of him shooting a Queens livery cab driver—this morning in Buffalo. They caught him by tracking his cell phone. Police made the arrest, but technology really caught this guy.

Ted Williams, the homeless man who found voice-over work after a video of him speaking went viral, was picked up by police yesterday following a fight with his daughter in a L.A. hotel. The media giveth, and they taketh away.

Beware the "shirtless and squeezed into tight jeans ... hunky undercover" cop who's prowling Palm Springs's fertile gay breeding grounds, making busts. Locals are incensed about a series of indecent exposure arrests in what they view as their "gay mecca."

Floridian Lawrence Gauthier, who's called 911 16 times since November to "request business cards," called the emergency hotline on Sunday and "told the dispatcher he wanted the media arrested." Which is totally frivolous! But, yes, please, arrest those bastards. [via]

Berlinda Dixon-Newbold is charged with aggravated assault for lighting the crotch of her boyfriend's pants on fire while he slept. She did it because she wanted more attention, not because he's a "liar, liar." His "family jewels" survived the blaze.

Heidi Jones, the weatherperson on New York's WABC (and occasionally on Good Morning America), told police that a man had attacked her and tried to rape her as she was jogging in Central Park in September. Police say she lied.

As expected, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was arrested by the Metropolitan Police in London today on a European Arrest Warrant for sexual assault charges filed by two women in Sweden. Assange is due to appear in court later today.

Vitaly Borker, the eyeglass-selling prick profiled in the Times, was arrested by the feds for fraud and cyberstalking.

Alexis Neiers, famed member of a band of kids who robbed famous actors (and star of a pretty awful reality show) was arrested in Los Angeles for possession of black tar heroin, TMZ says. Her story just keeps getting rosier.

Police finally caught up with Uma Thurman's stalker Jack Jordan a month after he broke a protective order by phoning her. He went berserk and is being held for observation. Someone set him off talking smack about My Super Ex-Girlfriend.