This is me writing the lede to a post that features a video of Arnold Schwarzenegger's DVD commentary for Total Recall. This is me telling you that Schwarzenegger's commentary is literal to the point of hilarity. This is me highlighting the great moment of the sweat running down, which gives it away. Here it is. [via Reddit]

Lindsay's collecting exotic objects. Paul McCartney feels like somebody's husband now. Arnold Schwarzenegger touches himself in public. Sunday gossip is dressed in a neon green bikini and matching high heels and posing awkwardly on the hood of a sports car.

In a sleepy Austrian hamlet today, a hulking superhuman lovingly caressed the buttock of a grotesquely muscled 8-foot-tall bronze state of himself.

J.Lo parties until 3:30AM, and looks like she might be straining herself. LuAnn de Lesseps dances on a table. Who stole David Copperfield's precious magician award? Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger need three larger-than-life bronze statues of himself? Monday gossip goes too far.

Hopeless romantic Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to release his memoir next October—and according to his publisher, Simon & Schuster, the book is tentatively titled Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story.

Amy Winehouse might have died while trying to get her life in order. Arnold and Maria have an awkward run-in. Miley Cyrus is just "explor[ing] sexuality," and Justin Bieber wants to settle down. Saturday gossip would probably eat bananas dipped in ketchup.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett enter a Ring Cycle of divorce rumors. Jane Lynch was a NyQuil addict. Miley Cyrus' weird goth brother knocks up a Disney star. Clark Gable's grandson is criminally annoying with a laser pointer. Wednesday gossip sleeps around.

Don't say we never bring you the hard-hitting news. Patrick Schwarzenegger/Shriver, young son of Arnold and Maria, budding model and entrepreneur, has posed topless for a jeans ad and now there is a giant billboard of him in Los Angeles.

The Schwarzenegger-Shriver divorce just crossed the threshold from "slightly tense" to "blatantly bellicose." (Playfully bellicose?) Arnold went biking in an "I SURVIVED MARIA" t-shirt on Sunday, TMZ reports.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a very awkward birthday with Maria Shriver. Al Pacino's got family trouble. Ashton Kutcher stole Will Smith's trailer, we think. Yes! It's Sunday gossip.

Jennifer Aniston and her still quite new man go house-hunting. Arnold Schwarzenegger just signs whatever papers are in front of him. Lindsay Lohan partied with the Muscle Milk people at a beach. Today's Gossip Roundup is acting irresponsibly.

Lindsay Lohan pleads poverty in Louboutin heels. Arnold and Maria fight over child support. Jason Bateman gets upstaged by a puppy. Charlie Sheen likes sex twice a day, but his ex-girlfriend insisted on 19 lays per day. TGIFriday gossip.

Lindsay Lohan throws her weight around a parking lot and says she is a ballerina. Chris Brown's latest temper tantrum includes the phrase "faggot ass." Captain America drove Chris Evans into therapy. Wednesday gossip is kind of a big deal.

The Governator (har har) may finally have a secure deal to star in a movie again. Also today: Good news about Jennifer Lopez, better news about Dr. Drew, and best news about your favorite sitcom.

Will and Kate are exploring Los Angeles. Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are adding another person to their threesome. Octomom gets in a fight with Wilma Flintstone. Saturday gossip is bringing all of its kids on the plane!

Everyone's getting a divorce! Literally, everyone, except for Kate Moss, who just got married. And Salma Hayek's not getting a divorce yet, but finding out her husband fathered Linda Evangelista's kid isn't going to make her marriage stronger. Yes! It's Saturday gossip.

Maria Shriver served Arnold Schwarzenegger with divorce papers today. Shriver's requesting spousal support and joint custody of the couple's two younger kids. And because the two apparently never signed a prenup, she stands to walk away with nine figures, too.

Spiderman costars Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone might be banging. Cory Monteith was a teen junkie. Heidi Klum gets naked. LiLo plans her first post-imprisonment par-tay. TGIFriday gossip.

After a month of silence following the revelation that her son is half Schwarzenegger, housekeeper Mildred Patricia Baena gave her first interview to deep-pocketed British tabloid Hello!.

Kim Kardashian threatens to sue a tabloid and denies a football player's sexy stories. Scarlett Johansson is a pushy conversationalist. Emma Stone sucked her thumb until she was 11. Flo Rida gets arrested. Thursday gossip contains two truths and a lie, but which is which?