This little monkey, Spindler, has three parents. That's right! Three! How could this be? Because scientists are trying to play God and help eradicate potentially fatal diseases. Those bastards!

OMG! Did you know President Obama and his family went to Martha's Vineyard for vacation? Of course you did. Everyone's out of their minds over the whole thing, especially the island's residents, whose collective welcome wagon borders on fanatical.

Bernie Madoff's post-criminal career has been filled with indignities: house arrest, poverty for his wife, and unflattering penis size revelations. And now he may have cancer. Which would be worse than all of the above, yes.

Walrus-creature and war-monger John Bolton used to be undersecretary of state for arms control and international security. Guess what the new folks found when they moved into his old office? A dank and moist dungeon, that's what.

Hero Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett, who bravely took a beating from a violent thug after intervening to help an innocent citizen, is speaking, humbly! He says everyone would have done what he did. Go on you, tell us another one!

Hero Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett should be released from the hospital soon, after being totally smashed up by a baton-wielding thug at the state fair after Barrett stepped in to quell a disturbance. Well guess who loves him, too? Obama!

Indicted former GOP House Majority Leader Tom DeLay will be a contestant on Dancing With the Stars. Terri Schiavo's dead—what else did you expect him to do?

Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett was beaten with a metal pipe by a crazed thug at the Wisconsin State Fair Saturday. Is mayor-beating a new political trend, and is Tom Barrett now probably mayor-for-life? The answers are yes and hell yes.

Media entrepreneur Steven Brill has been failing pretty much constantly for the past 11 years, and repeatedly broken his word in the process. But he's turned the corner with his new startup, he swears! Just don't ask for specifics!

A lady named Sheryl Weinstein—who helped a charity sink $40 million into Bernie Madoff's funds—is writing a book about her (sordid?) affair with Bernie. The big winner here: Ruth Madoff.

The President of Costa Rica has swine flu. He vows to "carry out my work by telecommuting"—presumably from the Conde Nast building, which is the Pig Flu World Headquarters. His nation's only hope now: Flying Rabbis.

Alex von Furstenberg flipped out, with insanity, when he found out his fiancee was flirting sexxxily with washed-up NBA star Reggie Miller. You got off easy, Reggie. Alex has been know to punch faces over this sort of thing.

The protesters at America's health care town halls are scary, what with their guns, apocalyptic posturing and talk of blood. The footage continues to come in, and we continue to sift out the especially disturbing bits.

Self-serving scumbag New York State Senate gridlock-promoter Pedro Espada's son just got a newly-created $120K/year state "intergovernmental relations" job, which, his spokesman confirms, is "not a case of political nepotism." Shut up, whores. [NYP]

Is that good or bad? We just don't know anymore in this topsy-turvy world of bailouts and bonuses and government ownership of corporate monsters. But whatever—AIG pulled in a cool $1.8 billion last quarter.

Bill Clinton went on over to North Korea, met the crazy dictator there, and won: North Korea has pardoned Current TV reporters Laura Ling and Euna Lee for their slanders and calumnies.

The trustee for Bernie Madoff's victims filed a $45 million suit against Ruth Madoff last week. He hasn't succeeded in getting any money yet, but he has succeeded in further humiliating Ruth Madoff! She is basically a grounded teenager now.

Apple has announced Eric Schmidt is leaving the Cupertino company's board of directors by "mutual" agreement. Apple CEO Steve Jobs cites increasing competition between the two companies; by that standard this should have happened a year and a half ago.

Two brazen Boston bidders have actually put in bids for the teetering Boston Globe! If our quick math is right, the bids should be in the area of... negative $96 million.

Ruth Madoff gave up everything in exchange for a new lease on life and $2.5 million. Now a representative of her husband's victims would like that $2.5 million back. Along with another $42.5 million.