If all the noise around today's iPad debut leaves you baffled, fear not: We've oscillated between giddy excitement and jaded cynicism ourselves, and can offer this handy list of reasons to embrace — or diss — the Apple tablet computer.

A federal judge ruled yesterday that the N.S.A.'s covert wiretap program targeting who knows how many US citizens without court approval was (and is!) illegal. Of fucking course it is, come on. But...but...but what if Obama does it?

Russian tabloids don't play. Life News has published photos of the severed heads of the two female suicide bombers who blew up the Moscow subway trains earlier this week. Do not click through unless you really want to.

Eric Schmidt's email habits are bizarre, considering his job: The CEO of Google and ultimate overlord of email-hoarding service Gmail deletes every email he receives, unless he's specifically asked to do otherwise. And that's not his only strange habit.

The MTA is flooding the NYC transit system with cops in response to the subway bombings in Moscow today. So don't worry, the guys you see on the trains carrying submachine guns are there to protect you. In all likelihood.

A South Korean naval patrol boat is sinking in Yellow Sea; a North Korean attack is suspected.

Cornell recently experienced its sixth student suicide in as many months. The two most recent deaths occurred when students threw themselves into the gorges that cut through its campus in Ithaca, NY. Can we blame the scenery for the deaths?

Just when you thought this whole recession thing was over, the Times is reporting that $700 billion worth of bad corporate debt will be due in two years. Stock up on Doomsday supplies now.

[Sean Penn, doing relief work in Haiti, runs up a hill from the compound where his Jenkins-Penn Haiti Relief Operation is based near Port au Prince. Image via AP]

The New York Times reported this morning that an off-the-books intelligence operation may be assassinating people in Pakistan with the help of a sketchy former spook—the same guy that the Times hired to save reporter David Rohde's life.

Stupid lawsuits are filed every day, and Lindsay Lohan does stupid things every day. But is she really behind the E*Trade lawsuit that bears her name?

Yesterday, Lori Mason won plaudits from kinky sex freaks far and wide for allowing her chef husband to make cheese from her breast milk. Alas! Now comes a food critic to dispel your dreams of tasty human bosom curd.

Christian Coalition pixie and Jack Abramoff pal Ralph Reed is coyly leaking word that he'll announce whether or not he's running for Congress tomorrow at 11 a.m. For what it's worth, he is. Remember the '90s?

A judge might send Andrew Young to jail for lying about his handling of the John Edwards sex tape. It seems the tape was distributed more widely than it should have been, like every sex tape ever.

Sadly, Robert Halderman, the CBS News producer who allegedly tried to blackmail David Letterman out of $2 million, will plead guilty today in exchange for an (extremely light) six month sentence. And the trial would have been so much fun!

The Supreme Court has agreed to rule on whether the father of a dead Marine can sue Westboro "God Hates Fags" Baptist Church of Stone Cold Psychos for protesting his son's funeral. Alternately, he could just punch them. [NYT]

The Desarmes family survived the Haitian earthquake and sought refuge in Chile, where Haitian-borne Reggaeton singer Pierre Desarmes lives. Bad idea. Thankfully, they all survived both earthquakes, but it's been a real mindfuck.

Well, one Gawker commenter. Loyal soldier GlasgowRose used the term "prehab" to describe Charlie Sheen seeking preemptive substance abuse treatment, and the Times just loved it. So it's official! Prehab is now a thing, thanks to a commenter. Congrats, everyone.

Real estate magnate and publisher Mort Zuckerman, the subject of a profile in today's Politico, is meeting with New York Republicans as he prepares himself for a Senate run. What do we know about Citizen Mort?

New York Mayor-for-life Mike Bloomberg's top aide, Deputy Mayor Kevin Sheekey, is leaving City Hall for a much better-paying gig with—try to look surprised—Bloomberg LP. Do you know what this means? Deputy Mayor Howard Wolfson.