[The first family is back in Washington following their vacation in Hawaii, a considerably better place that's far, far away from Mitch McConnell. Fancy-pantsed Michelle Obama clearly realizes how terrible a development this is. Image via AP.]

Salman Taseer, the governor of Pakistan's most populous province, was assassinated by a member of his security detail today, reportedly because Taseer opposed killing blasphemers against Islam. The brazen murder of another non-Islamist politician edged Pakistan closer to chaos.

Days after thousands of blackbirds died in Arkansas, 500 blackbirds and starlings fell out of the sky along a Louisiana highway about 300 miles south. There's still no explanation why this is happening—other than the Apocalypse is here.

House Republicans have set January 12 as the date for their first major legislative feat: repealing the new health care law. It will pass! And then Harry Reid won't bring it up for a Senate vote, the end.

It is, sadly, the final day of orientation for freshmen congressional Republicans. Boo! Hopefully they all got laid at least once. But if not, tonight's the night, because the freshmen are throwing the most lavish kegger of all, for themselves.

Why is our economy in the predicament that it's in today? High unemployment, sluggish growth...who's to blame? The unions, of course. The unions are the enemies of the working man. The working class must destroy unions for their own good.

[A bird eerily sits in view of Seattle's Space Needle just days after thousands of birds dropped dead from the sky over an Arkansas town. We're screwed. Image via AP]

[Japan's Taku Tekeuchi during a trial jump at the Four Hills tournament in Austria. Image via AP]

A diamond in the rough of Wikileaks' latest diplomatic cable leak: a memo about the time a military hardliner slapped Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the face for being too "liberal."

Rep. Darrell Issa, a glib car thief who now has subpoena power to investigate the executive branch, has announced his first Obama administration corruption hearings! Among them: investigating the "impact of government hyperregulation on job creation." What the hell?

The Obama administration hasn't exactly heaped laurels on Wikileaks for leaking classified state cables. Joe Biden even called Wikileaks founder Julian Assange a "High-tech terrorist!" But Republican attack dog Rep. Darrell Issa wants Assange locked up now.

[We're not entirely sure how this works, but tennis stars Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer play on an aquatic tennis court in Doha, Qatar today to promote the Qatar ATP Open Tennis tournament. Image via AP]

North Korea's official Korean Central News Agency issued a New Year editorial today that called for better relations with South Korea, while threatening a "nuclear holocaust" if the South tries to pull any shenanigans along the border.

[A man performs what could be a Triple Lindy off the 59-foot high Cavour Bridge in Rome, Italy this morning. Image via AP]

[This is a fireworks portrait of (non-communist) Chinese revolutionary Sun Yat-sen (from the New Year's celebration in Taipei, Taiwan), but really, it could be anyone, so send this picture your friends and tell them that it's you. Image via AP]

Mississippi governor Haley Barbour has commuted the life sentences of Jamie and Gladys Scott, two sisters who were convicted of armed robbery in 1994. With one small condition.

Famed Democratic lawyer Lanny Davis, who was paid $100,000 a month to represent President Laurent Gbagbo of the Ivory Coast, quit yesterday, probably because it's hard to defend a murderer like Gbagbo, who lost his reelection bid last month.

[This wallaby probably regrets going after that giant bale of delicious hay as it sits in the middle of a huge flood in Australia today. Image via AP]

[Organizers of Times Square's New Year's ball drop test the quality of their confetti two days before the big event. Come on. It's confetti. How hard can that be to get right? Image via AP]

Nine years after Sept. 11, 2001, America saw perhaps its worst outbreak of Islamophobia since the attacks.