[Workers clear a platform at the Edison train station in New Jersey as snow falls during Wednesday night's snowstorm. Image via AP]

His helicopter snowed-in, Obama had to take a motorcade from the military base to the White House after Air Force One landed today. It took a whole hour! Meanwhile, Joe Biden was speeding along in a snowmobile, mowing down pedestrians.

George W. Bush's greatest gift to this country, the color-coded terrorist warning system, is going away forever. The government is starting to phase it out this week. For now, let's look back at this system's one great contribution to society.

The Way We Live Now: conflating a concatenation of concurrent consequential...things. Just circumstances, really. We accept responsibility for our mistakes. We pray never to repeat them. Then we run off and do whatever! Whooooo, good times!

While most members of Congress politely sat through the president's speech last night, and many of them with members from across the aisle, one congressman sat in his office tweeting idiotic nothings about Barack Obama's socialism. Meet Rep. Paul Broun!

Tunisia's justice minister today issued an international arrest warrant for kleptocratic ex-president Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali, his wife, and other family members for "possessing (expropriated) property and transferring foreign currency abroad." In other words, they're wanted for looting. [AP]

Bloodthirsty states are desperate for sodium thiopental—part of the lethal injection cocktail, and may be getting it illegally. Georgia allegedly bought some from an "unlicensed British company that operates from the back of a London driving school." Nice.

[This bikini encased in ice was displayed in Times Square today to make New Yorkers want to visit Ft. Lauderdale. But it may just remind you of how much weight you have to lose before summer. Image via AP]

Republicans and Democrats are both furious at CNN, the only network which will air Rep. Michele Bachmann's Tea Party response to tonight's State of the Union in addition to the official Republican response. But CNN refuses to compromise!

A handful of Congress members are apparently such attention whores that they squeeze to the front of the pack at every State of the Union to shake the president's hand as he walks in. Who are these "aisle hogs"?

It's true. A famous priest who angered the church by following his natural urges will soon be a national TV star. Also today: news from Sundance, some good and some bad, plus James Franco's getting into the porn world.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's attempt to sneak in some tongue action with Nancy Pelosi at tonight's State of the Union has backfired, terribly. Did he think Pelosi wouldn't already have a "date" lined up? Get it together, Eric Cantor.

Good news for would-be Chicago mayoral candidate Rahm Emanuel: Illinois' Supreme Court hasn't decided on reinstating his candidacy, but it has "ordered Chicago election officials not to print any ballots without his name." He can keep them as souvenirs, maybe?

Now that Republicans have gained a modicum of power in the United States Congress, it's time for them to recklessly interfere with local Washington politics! What's on the agenda? Banning gay marriage in the nation's capital, of course.

[Billionaires are gathered in Davos, Switzerland to pat each other on the back for being rich and give long winded speeches about saving poor people. Image via AP]

Crop circles are so '90s, but that didn't stop one from appearing in an Indonesian rice field last weekend. Thousands of people are now traveling there, and paying entrance fees, to see it. Crop circles: way more lucrative than farming.

[A villager rides a bullock cart in Kosi village, more than 100 miles from Patna, India. Image via AP]

[A model wearing one of Italian designer Giorgio Armani's metallic space-costumes for his Haute Couture Spring-Summer fashion collection. Image via AP]

Like all real Americans, Texas' Republican Gov. Rick Perry hates government bailouts. He even started a petition called "No Government Bailouts"! So it's awkward that his state balanced its budget almost entirely thanks to the federal government's stimulus program.

Less than two weeks after checking into rehab at Dr. Phil's insistence, golden-voiced former homeless man Ted Williams has checked himself out against medical advice. This isn't the happy ending everyone was hoping for when this story started.