Hans-Peter Feldmann (pictured, at right) won the $100,000 "Hugo Boss Prize" last year, for being a good artist. Looks like you miscalculated, Hugo: Hans-Peter is totally sticking all of your money to a wall.

Leaving Tony Blair and Gordon Brown off the guest list for The Most Important Wedding of All Time was pretty funny. And really, is anyone going to miss them? Doubtful. But the fact that Syria's ambassador to Britain, Sami Khiyami will attend has pissed off some members of parliament, what will the whole massacre of unarmed civilians at the hands of Khiyami's boss and assaulting cities with tanks thing going on there at the moment.

A monstrous tornado nearly a mile wide killed fifteen people in Tuscaloosa, Ala. and "obliterated" parts of the city when it touched down on Wednesday afternoon. These videos should give you some sense of how terrifying a tornado can be.

Donald Trump is not going to run for president. But let's pretend we don't know that, and are wondering what's next for him after emerging victorious from his pitched battle with Barack Obama, birth certificate hoisted triumphantly above his tri-corner hairhat. How do you top that?

Sen. Harry Reid will schedule a vote on GOP Rep. Paul Ryan's controversial "Path to Prosperity" budget to see how many Senate Republicans will go on-the-record in support of it. The House passed it almost 100% along party lines.

It's got to be a difficult time to be named Kate Middleton, what with the constant royal wedding jokes and people talking to you in fake British accents and stuff. Worse still, Facebook keeps deleting accounts of women who share the name of the Most Important Bride of All Time.

Now that Barack Obama has released his long-form birth certificate, let's play What Other Evil News Is He Trying to Distract Us From? Maybe it's this: The AP reports that CIA Director and former Bill Clinton chief of staff Leon Panetta will take over for Defense Secretary Robert Gates this summer, while Afghanistan commander Gen. David Petraeus will replace Panetta at the CIA. Does the Obama administration want us talking about this?

There is some lightly sourced babble at Reuters today about "desire at the highest ranks of the Republican Party" for House Budget Committee chair Rep. Paul Ryan to launch a presidential bid. This is partially confirmed by more lightly sourced babble on Twitter. There's a slim chance of this ever happening — Paul Ryan, for one, has no interest — but with Obama's poll numbers slinking further into the crapper, Republican elites are still looking for new candidates with scalable support. If they decide he's their guy, they'll force him to do it.

The only reason most people bother purchasing Internet service is to read actor Chuck Norris' insane right wing political columns, which are syndicated on an array of terrible liar websites like World Net Daily and Townhall.com. But now you can just print out what's already been written and cancel that service, because he's probably already published everything that would appear in future columns.

Just a few months after SETI Institute scientists stumbled onto dozens of planets potentially hosting alien life, the federal government suddenly cut off their funding. SETI calls this "a huge irony." Yes, what a coincidence! (Astrophysicists are so naive.)

Senator Al Franken (D-MN) has stepped up his pressure on Apple CEO Steve Jobs, announcing on Monday that he will hold hearings on the recent revelation that Apple iPhones and iPads are secretly tracking and storing their users' locations.

Dan Snyder, wealthy scoundrel and owner of an awful football team whose name is a racial slur, is able to blow countless hundreds of millions dollars on high-profile free agents who immediately become bad at the sport of football upon cashing Dan Snyder's check. But oddly, he is not wealthy enough to buy one decent PR adviser who could tell him to keep his stupid mouth shut.

Convicted murder and stunningly handsome mobster "Vinny Gorgeous" (or, Vincent Basciano) has had a rough time in jail. His cell is wet, and the guards keep fucking with his suits and ties. He also likes to gossip. And, thanks to secretly-recorded tapes between Mr. Gorgeous and a spineless rat, James "Big Louie" Tartaglione, we know that Mr. Gorgeous is very concerned about aging.

In February, Rhode Island State Rep. Robert Watson said that his state had its priorities right "if you are a Guatemalan gay man who likes to gamble and smokes marijuana." Big surprise: He just got busted for marijuana possession.

Last July, New York Daily News editor Martin Dunn abruptly left the paper due to his wife's illness. Kevin Convey, who'd been working as editor of the Boston Herald, was named his replacement. But now, we hear, unsatisfied NYDN owner Mort Zuckerman may already be poking around for Convey's successor.

In your magic Monday media column: HuffPo hires some more, Elvis Mitchell loses another job, DC ladies discuss The New Yorker, MSNBC sloganizes, Brian Williams jokes, Katie Couric states the obvious, Adweek rhapsodizes, and Reader's Digest's CEO is out.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange's reputation as a fighter for transparency and destroyer of secrets ought to be thoroughly demolished by today's spectacle of the New York Times literally forcing him to give up the Guantanamo Bay files he'd been hoarding for months.

War monster John McCain, fresh off of his triumphant jaunt to Libya, made a shocking confession on this morning's Today show: He is not ready to drop more American freedom bombs, forever and without any actual plan, in another Middle Eastern country where some citizens have been protesting. Is the old nutter on his meds or something? What ever happened to the angry warrior we'd all come to know and not love? This is a classic gaffe.

After the Obama administration announced it wouldn't defend the Defense of Marriage Act in court, House Republicans decided to take charge instead. John Boehner hired lawyer and ex-Solicitor General Paul Clement of the firm King and Spaulding to defend it on behalf of the House Republicans at the taxpayer funded rate of $520 per hour. But this morning King and Spaulding dropped the terribly unpopular case, and Paul Clement quit the firm to defend DOMA on his own.

When you think "Texas universities," you think "places that are far, far too gay-friendly." And while the Texas legislature was unable to give college kids the right to carry guns on campus, it will be damned if it doesn't deal with this homos-in-college issue.