Hey guys,

Hi Gawker,

This week, the writers of this site have all agreed to participate in an obnoxious, but worthwhile exercise. Each day, a different staff writer will be forced to break their usual routine and offer up posts they feel would garner the most traffic. While that writer struggles to find dancing cat videos and Burger King bathroom fights or any other post they feel will add those precious, precious new eyeballs, the rest of the staff will spend time on more substantive stories they may have neglected due to the rigors of scouring the internet each day to hit some imaginary quota. The writers not relegated to traffic-whoring duty will still post, just less frequently than many of them are probably used to.

Hi everyone,

Hey Friends,

Dear everyone in the damn universe with iMovie and a Gmail account: we do not want your "Shit People Say" video, no matter how good or clever you think it may be. Do not send them to us. Do not email them, do not Twitter them, do not IM or DM or PM or Facebook them.

We have a whole bunch of fun stuff planned for the Golden Globes, but there's one thing you won't see on the site, so we wanted to make you aware of it now. We're giving control of Gawker's Twitter account to author, cabaret star, and all-around funny person Justin Vivian Bond during the broadcast.

Hey Gawker readers,

Since Seth's departure last Thursday, there have been many articles written that suggest he was fired specifically for making a "racist" slur in his post. There was this headline. And this one. And this one. That's just not true.

Technically, I'm on quasi-vacation this week but I do feel like I should address the editorial shift that will take place once I officially begin January 9th. Maybe it will be drastic, maybe it won't be. The only thing I know for sure is that in order to guarantee job security at this site I must avoid increasing traffic too much, since both former editors Gabriel Snyder and Remy Stern did that and were swiftly let go. Let's lay out the list of iterations for Gawker I've been told to think about creating, just to give a glimpse at what soon may come.

A hearty mazel tov to well-known penis photographer Anthony Weiner and his way-out-of-his-league wife, State Department attaché Huma Abedin, who gave birth yesterday to a boy. Jordan Zane Weiner clocked in at seven pounds and was born ten days early, giving him a head start on his journey to The Most Awkward Father-Son Conversation of All Time. [NYP, image via AP]

Hyperactive pepperoni stick Herman Cain just emerged from his big-ass tour bus, theme song playing and teensy wife by his side, to take to a rental podium and announce that he's suspending his presidential campaign. You all distracted him with your accusations about affairs and leg-touching moments too much!

It's been a fantastic ride, but today is my last day as Gawker's editor-in-chief. Taking over the reins is A.J. Daulerio of Deadspin. Please make him feel welcome.

We're looking for an incredibly talented writer to help us here at Gawker on a freelance, part-time basis. Fit the bill? Email a brief note with links to your work to remy@gawker.com and we'll be in touch if we're interested.

Gawker unveiled a snappy new version of its mobile site yesterday. You'll see it automatically if you visit Gawker on your smartphone, or you can direct your mobile browser to m.gawker.com. Coming soon: a customized version for the iPad!

Hey guys! Can I have everyone's attention, please? Where's Heather? Does anyone know where Heather is? Well, can you go grab her? We've got a big announcement. Yes, that's right, we've decided to appoint an acting chief of Al Qaeda.

Glitter star Mariah Carey gave birth to twins—a girl and a boy—on Saturday, her fourth wedding anniversary with her husband, the guy from All That. Neither child has yet been named. Like most expecting parents, the couple drove to the hospital in their Rolls-Royce Phantom; according to Carey's publicist Cindi Berger, Cannon "was so nervous he went to the wrong department at the hospital." Carey is apparently "done" with having children. [AP]

Newt Gingrich, the 1990s' top Tyrannosaurus rex fanboy, is going to make a decision about running for president this week. If he does, which appears "likely," then he'd be the second candidate to form a presidential exploratory committee.

Are you a talented writer, editor, photographer, or illustrator seeking new opportunities? We'd love to chat. Please email a brief note and any links to your work to remy@gawker.com and we'll be in touch if we're interested.

Care to follow Gawker on Facebook or Twitter? Go right ahead. And you can now follow each Gawker staffer on Facebook, too, if you'd like. Details here.