Activists with the animal rights group Direct Action Everywhere attempted to derail a Bernie Sanders speech last night in Oakland, wasting precious minutes of everyone’s time before being hauled away.

In the great and historic tradition of my forebears, I’d like to wrap up my illustrious career as the weekend warrior for Gawker dot com with a ranking. The subject of this list is that widely unappreciated group of odd- and even-toed mammals, those noble ruminants of the grasslands, that clade of hoofed wonders: the four-legged ungulates.*

I don’t know about you, but when I log onto Facebook, I’m hoping to see pregnancy announcements from couples I went to high school with, self-congratulatory status updates from my professional peers, and photos of the latest gator crimes and horse frauds being perpetrated in the Sunshine State. That’s why the Florida Agricultural Crimes Intelligence Unit is my new favorite page on the social network.

What we have here is some footage of a good boy such a good boy who’s my sweet little puppy boy yes you are who made his way into a Donald Trump rally in Florida over the weekend. The owner of this little pupperoo tried to make him raise his right paw and take the creepy Trump loyalty oath, but the pupperoo wasn’t having it.

A Baltimore police officer who slit the throat of a dog that was tethered at the time will receive $45,000 in back pay for the months he spent suspended after the incident, the Baltimore Sun reports. Previously, Officer Jeffrey G. Bolger was acquitted on charges of animal cruelty.

Okay, so Massachusetts has a plan to establish an island colony of poisonous rattlesnakes. On purpose. Okay.

There are more than a thousand endangered plants and animals in the U.S., but there are an infinite number of roads and dams that can be built. Guess which interest wins out?

The keeper of the IKEA monkey, who’s been living in a Canadian animal sanctuary for three years now, tells Vice the primate’s life has improved: “Monkeys shouldn’t be wearing nappies, monkeys shouldn’t be on a leash, and they shouldn’t be wearing coats.” Mmm... disagree.

Be careful.

This is it; we will never be capable of real romance again.

A day to celebrate for the great state of New Jersey! At long last, animal-lovers (in the Biblical sense) are no longer welcome in the Garden State.

An 800-pound alligator minding his own business at a Texas shopping center was accosted, lassoed, and paraded around in bawdy finery like a common tramp in Houston this week.

It seems like every animal who gets a little hungry and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, you know what I’d love right now? I’d really just like to indulge myself with a big ol’ cheesy slice-a-pizz’!” these days must face the glare of national news cameras in his face, intruding on what could have been a quiet meal alone.

“It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be,” quoth Virgil, who never actually saw a herd of thousands of sheep walking down the street, hell-bent on destruction.

The dentist who paid $50,000 to shoot, shoot again, and then skin and decapitate a 13-year-old African lion named Cecil will not be charged in Zimbabwe after all.

Cats are known the world over for being evil little shits. And this cat is also an evil little shit. But this cat puts his evil ways to use for the good of all living things, waging war for a thousand generations against flutists. The flute is the thing that is worse than cats, and this good cat, rather than compound his badness by playing the flute, is taking a stand. That puts him on the side of the right. Good cat.

There’s an ancient Latin proverb that says, “The wolf changes his coat, but not his disposition.”

A pig and a dog were found wandering through wilderness of a Florida suburb this week, without a care in the world except one another.

During the evening rush hour on Thursday, an alligator crawled out of...somewhere, and crossed a street in the Upper Manhattan neighborhood of Inwood. Officers from the NYPD’s 34th Precinct captured the ‘gator and brought it to a shelter where it died Friday morning, the New York Times reports.