While most of you heathens were watching The Hills and/or The New Adventures Of Two And A Half Men Who Met Your Mother on Monday night, your Uncle Grambo was plowing through the first two and a half hours of the new Frontline documentary, Bush's War. On an emotional level, it was a thoroughly exhausting experience — reliving those nightmarish days of September 2001 and the resulting six-plus years of what can only be described as another long national nightmare had precisely the opposite effect on my sleep patterns as a fistful of Ambien. That said, it deserves classification as essential viewing, regardless of your party affiliation. That said, this post is not about George Bush or politics, nor does it have anything to do with the subject matter of the two-part series that Variety describes as a "great historical drama." Rather, it's about how glorious it was to watch a news documentary that was specifically tailored to HDTV and why we're considering boycotting 60 Minutes until they make the switchover to hi-def programming.

CNN anchor Anderson Cooper and his team unearthed a video of Hillary Clinton casually strolling off a military transport plane after landing in Bosnia in 1996, the clearest proof yet against Clinton's prior claims her plane faced sniper fire during the landing. Said Cooper: "You'll notice the absence of any ducking — or any running — or any shooting for that matter... it was apparently safe enough for a little child to a read a poem to the senator on the tarmac." The silver-haired anchor advanced CBS News' earlier coverage not only with impressively-packaged background footage and quotes but also with that patented concerned-crinkly-face thing he does so well. Thank you for emoting on behalf of the entire country, Anderson, we appreciate it. Video after the jump.

We're still not sure why dreamy CNN anchor Anderson Cooper profiled dreamy "football" star David Beckham on 60 Minutes last night (something about Beckham being rich and famous and dreamy?) but he did. And it's on the internet! We're sure the old people who make up the 60 Minutes audience wondered who these dashing young men were and why they were invading their TV screens with their youthful virility and mutual appreciation of athletic prowess. Becks' amazing robot wife Victoria, oddly, is barely mentioned. Full segment, after the jump.

OMG everyone who's psyched for 60 Minutes this Sunday! CNN hearththrob Anderson Cooper is going one-on-one with "football" superstar David Beckham!!! There's a minute-long clip on CBS that we've embedded after the jump. But if sitting through an ad is too much work, you can just gaze upon our screenshot gallery of The Coop and Becks broing out on the "football" field (turf? some other word?). Anderson admires Beckman's powerful leg, then does a manly job defending the goal. This is gonna be the best profile ever!

Anderson Cooper is still the prettiest anchor on CNN after minor surgery to remove a spot of skin cancer. Anderson worried everyone a little yesterday morning when he said viewers might see his scar and "think I got into a fist fight with Charlie Rose." But really, the scar looks more like Cooper nicked himself shaving, at least judging by his appearance on CNN tonight. Hopefully all traces of cancer have disappeared as surely as this blemish will. High definition still shot, taken within the hour, after the jump.

CNN Anchor and America's Boyfriend Anderson Cooper wrote on his show's blog today that he's been absent for a couple days because he was undergoing "minor surgery" to remove "a small spot of skin cancer" from under his left eye. He'll be back on the air tonight, and he is informing the public of the surgery only so that we don't suspect the stitches are the result of "a fist fight with Charlie Rose." Oh, Anderson. We wouldn't assume that. We'd dream it. [AC360 via HuffPo]

As we predicted back in January, beautiful CNN anchor Anderson Cooper didn't show up for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation Media Awards ceremony. He was nominated and won for a touching story on homeless gay teens. Broadcasting legend Barbara Walters did show up to receive what we are assuming was a lifetime achievement award for work as Roy Cohn's beard (or something).

[Anderson Cooper Effects speculates that the dapper (and gay! probably!) news anchor stayed out all night on Wednesday. They noticed Anderson wearing a black suit/green tie ensemble on Thursday morning's "Live with Regis & Kelly" suspiciously similar to the one he sported on the previous evening's "Anderson Cooper 360." Was March 12th a lucky night for our silver haired friend? Intrigue!]

We don't know why CNN anchor stud Anderson Cooper is always on Regis and Kelly, especially when it always ends up being quite uncomfortable for everyone involved, but he was back on this morning. And they forced him to almost involve himself in an "improv" exercise in which Kelly Ripa and comedienne Cheryl Hines pretended to be fighting over him, sort of. Cooper refused to participate in the make-believe love triangle and looked basically violated. [Related! PlanetOut.com asks just how much you know about Anderson Cooper!]

Coquettish Anderson Cooper of CNN sat down with a former pimp, who gently walked the delicate anchor through the process of making money as a high-priced hooker, and left Cooper floored over how much money can be made as a prostitute. The pimp told Cooper exactly how fun whoring can be for all involved, how high-class prostitution is not nearly as exploitive as low-rent sex, and how there's not much difference between $1,000-per-hour call girls vs. $4,000 per-hour call girls. When the discussion turned to money, the Coop got a little flustered: "That's a lot of money for, fuh... for an hour — uh, it surprised me." Anderson, everyone understands you have a job to do. There's no need to be embarrassed just because it sounds like you already knew something about hooker pricing. After all, it's not like you're keeping some big sexual secret from the world. Video after the jump.

"Also, as I was watching Anderson Cooper last night, I decided that if I were ever on his show (okay, and I know you are thinking I won't be but you never know, Alex) I would call him 'Andy.'"

We could make the typical cutesy gay jokes about this clip of Anderson Cooper watching clips of streakers getting taken down, but we're more bemused by his use of phrases like "tally ho" and "sticky wicket." And his bizarre insistence on calling genitals "bits and pieces." Watch along with Anderson as nude men are violently tackled! [CNN]

[Fashion guy Tim Gunn with Anderson Cooper, John Bartlett, and Simon Doonan at a charity event in New York last night (presumably before Tim was seen lonely at a bar); image via WENN]

The news correspondent at left sounded either very drunk or very Australian last night as he explained on CNN how British Prince Harry was secretly fighting as a soldier in Afghanistan but had to flee the country after internet publisher Matt Drudge revealed his deployment there, destroying a conspiracy of silence by the pansy British press. He then directed two naughty swears at Drudge that threaten to bring an awful government indecency fine against the cable news network. Delicate CNN anchor Anderson Cooper became confused, probably because he had thought he was talking to Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin or something, but he still flirted shamelessly with the dude:

Attached, the intro to a recent story on Anderson Cooper 360 about the hate-motivated murder of an openly gay teenager. You may also recall that last month, Cooper was nominated for an award from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation for a story he did on the plight of homeless gay teens. The difficulties and discrimination faced by gay youths is clearly a subject that Cooper feels strongly about, and his dedication to fighting it is to be admired (and not, as we maybe occasionally are guilty of, mocked). So some might ask why Cooper himself still isn't public about his own sexual orientation, which might lead to him becoming a role model to the millions of young people struggling with discrimination who don't read Gawker. But Cooper might be on his way out of the closet! Sort of!

The internet: at least it's good for investigating things. Like that crazy kid who shot up Northern Illinois University, for example. What did he say on Myspace? What did he say in school papers? These bits and pieces of online information are the new currency of citizen-level investigative reporting. They allowed bloggers to correctly name the shooter before his name had been released [Chicago Tribune]. But the vast and heretofore useless collection of random, unrelated facts on the web also has another, far more important use: providing us the answer to all Blind Item gossip.

When Anderson Cooper is not working out like a madman, or asking whether steroids will shrivel his "friend's" testicles, he loves to tell everyone this story about how Arnold Schwarzenegger once admired the CNN diva's biceps. He loves this story so much he gets all giggly whenever anyone brings it up, but here's the thing: other people at CNN tried to confirm the story after Cooper told it on Conan O'Brien's show and they couldn't make heads or tails of it. Which begs the question, what other sorts of imaginary conversations is Cooper having with Arnold? Do they involve spotting? Bench presses? The phrase "girly man?" Perhaps it doesn't really matter, as long as the chats continue to make the Coop as adorably proud and bashful as this one:

Anderson Cooper would like to have a very serious, very special talk with you. The silver-haired CNN anchor knows you, his obsessive fan, got a little huffy when he told Conan O'Brien that his "live blog was a chance for all my stalkers to be in one place at one time." Look, he didn't mean it like that. It's just, when you are as beautiful as he is, there some cooky, crazy people who come out of the woodwork. Or out of the steam room at Equinox. Whatever. The point is, take this quick test, written by Anderson himself, and decide if you are a stalker:

Silver-maned CNN heartthrob Anderson Cooper's New Year's Resolution was to "blog more." And blog more he has, taking time during the commercial breaks of his nightly CNN program to join in the online discussion of the events of the day. But, as he explained last night to Conan O'Brien, this allows his "stalkers" to find him. Stalkers like the woman—"clearly deranged," in the words of Cooper—who crashed his book signing and made him take a crazy letter. Then, King of Comedy-style, she ended up in his waiting limo. Thanks to blogging, and to bloggers like us, and like him, stalking Anderson Cooper is apparently not that hard. It's easier than stalking Conan, as we learn in the anecdote's surprise twist ending. Full clip attached. [NBC]

CNN's Anderson Cooper is auditioning celebrity announcers in a supposed effort to compete with NBC, which has movie star Michael Douglas introducing its nightly newscasts. The on-camera recruiting effort conveniently doubles as a smart bit of marketing for CNN, but it also has residual benefits for Cooper, who gets to toughen up his image as the prettiest anchor on CNN by auditioning heavy metal rockers Ozzy Osbourne and Gene Simmons, two of the first three celebrity introducers. The third? Err, that would be gay icon Fran Drescher. Who Anderson said is his favorite, is "fantastic" and "you were my first choice all along to be the announcer." OK whatever Anderson, you know what? You're not even trying at this point. Franny love-fest after the jump.