The Katie Holmes Road Show and Protester Revival landed last night near Times Square, where the star made her Broadway debut amid a devoted crowd of tourists, family and Scientology nemeses flanking 45th Street. The reviews — and the heartfelt pleas for calm — are in after the jump.No one was anticipating miracles from the Schoenfeld Theater, where Holmes joined John Lithgow, Patrick Wilson and Dianne Wiest for the premiere of Arthur Miller's 1947 breakthrough All My Sons. So no one seemed disappointed that they didn't get them: Despite his best, unfailingly self-promotional intentions, Fox's Roger Friedman dampened expectations earlier this week, and the word so far from New York's more authoritative drama critics took care to treat Holmes as just another distinguished board-treader: · "The very different leading actresses — the stage veteran Ms. Wiest and the neophyte Ms. Holmes, in her Broadway debut — are sad casualties of [director Simon] McBurney’s high-concept approach. [...] Ms. Holmes delivers most of her lines with meaningful asperity, italicizing every word. This Ann is straight from the school of the Erinyes (those avenging furies from Greek mythology), and I didn’t believe for a second that she really loved the honorable, naïve Chris." — Ben Brantley, The NY Times

The latest Broadway revival of Arthur Miller's All My Sons opened last night! It stars John Lithgow and Patrick Wilson, who some are saying are quite good, Oscar winner Dianne Wiest, maybe a bit off, and some girl named Katie Holmes. As she's a newcomer to the Broadway scene, and is apparently married to some sort of mega moviestar turned Scientologist crazy named "Tom Cruise," let's take a moment to at look the top critics' takes on this exciting new starlet's big bow. Ben Brantley of the New York Times seems to think she's trying just a bit too hard:

Did you miss Katie Holmes' debut last night in the revival of Arthur Miller's All My Sons? Wondering if she can act? "No! Well, at least not very well," says amNewYork. Not surprisingly, critic John Simon pays more attention to Katie's pretty little face and offers up a much more complimentary assessment: "Her appealing presence in several movies translates seamlessly to the stage."

T-minus 48 hours and counting until theater critics can officially digest the spectacle of Katie Holmes's Broadway debut in All My Sons. Can't! Wait! But while the amateur pundits have already gotten a jump on the show's previews and Anonymous protesters have hammered out the kinks in their own play in front of the Schoenfeld Theater, one perennially-trustworthy perspective has trickled out onto the Web this morning for everyone to parse: That of Fox crack gossip and drama wonk Roger Friedman, who hastens to note that today's column is a "report," not a "review," lest Holmes might have been saving her A-game for Thursday's premiere.Never mind that Friedman writes in detail about the "recently discovered" Patrick Wilson, who has been an awards-hopeful leading man for the last two Oscar seasons. Katie is the story here, however buried, and however non-committal:

Last night was the first preview of the Katie Holmes-starring revival of All My Sons—a critic-proof production that will be remembered less for bringing new insights to the classic Arthur Miller text than it will be for hosting the most spectacular female celebrity disappearance since the days of Amelia Earhart and Shelley Long. (She'll first have to figure out a way to sever the 3000-mile-long, indestructible microfiber restraint tethered to her ankle, rigged to reel her in at the press of the button if she so strays so much as 15 feet from her Church-approved, "apartment-Barneys-theater" travel route.) Tom Cruise was largely credited with captaining the deafening standing ovation that met her bows—rich in first-pumps, index-finger #1s, and "It's all you tonight!" points towards the stage—until one handler had to pull the actor aside to quietly explain that the 78-year-old emphysema-sufferer seated in a wheelchair next to him was physically unable to, quote, "C'mon—get on your feet grandma and show my little lady some love!" From the AP report:

[Actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes leaving a midtown restaurant after Katie's first preview performance of 'All My Sons' on Broadway; image via INF] 2CK's new line beats the original, "I've Got To Get Him Home, He's Getting Fussy."

"Some wore masks like in the movie V for Vendetta, and one poster read: 'FREE KATIE.'" [AP]

Curious about the Broadway debut of Katie Holmes, actor and Scientologist Tom Cruise's earthling bride? Or, more importantly, are you curious about what Tom Cruise is like in an enclosed space? A theatre insider tipster sent us the following report from an exclusive invite-only dress rehearsal performance of All My Sons, set to open very very soon:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Doting stage husband Tom Cruise was on pins and needles as he watched his ladylove, Katie Holmes, go through her final dress rehearsal of All My Sons. Cruise admitted that his nerves got the best of him during the performance tonight. “It was just so moving and profound," he said. "It felt like I was giving birth. My water may have broke right before the second act. It was that beautiful.” Cruise went to give Holmes her traditional post-performance hug and a firm handshake, but Holmes opted for the firm handshake instead. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Popular significant other to the stars Katie Holmes appeared to be melancholy after leaving rehearsal for her play, All My Sons. When asked, “Why so glum, sugar plum?”, Holmes replied that she didn’t know where to start. Holmes was mostly upset that nobody admired the Grease inspired pants she wore today. Holmes said, “ My pants look like the ones Sandy wears at the end of Grease. I wore it because, you know, it's dress like your favorite character from a play day. Nobody noticed. Everybody made a big fuss over Dianne Wiest dressing like Laura from The Glass Menagerie, but nothing for me.” Holmes felt that the best remedy for her blues may be to go over to Brooklyn and crawl into a big bowl of mac & cheese. [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

It didn’t take long for Katie Holmes to prove she cannot compare to Nicole Kidman when it comes to Broadway appeal. Months before she even sets foot on stage, Tom Cruise’s replacement wife is striking out at the box office, managing to sell only $1 million worth of advance tickets to her September theatrical effort in All My Sons. That may sound like a decent take in the world of steadily declining Broadway sales, but it doesn’t even come close to Kidman’s number, which was $4 million. So why the distant gap in interest between seeing Holmes hack through Arthur Miller and Kidman feign sex live? It’s not just a matter of full-frontal cartwheels...

So Katie Holmes' long-running negotiations to come to Broadway have finally borne fruit, and the wife of Tom Cruise is now officially committed to take on some sort of role in a revival of Arthur Miller's All My Sons this fall. The Church of Scientology is a just a few blocks away from the theater, the Observer noted, and at least one tabloid report has hubby Tom tagging along for the duration of Holmes' season in New York, presumably in case she needs some more reprogramming. Holmes, meanwhile, is intent on escaping Cruise's shadow and reinvigorating her acting career. And maybe, you know, saving a few accident victims around town, since there's no one else who can really do anything. [Variety via Observer]