AdRants points us to the blog of Dieste Harmel & Partners' Creative Director Mack Simpson, who has made a horrifying discovery about himself: He's responsible for Koren Zailckas' alcoholism. Turns out Mack was responsible for the campaign behind Tequiza, a beer/tequila product that inexplicably still exists. A friend of his showed him this passage from Zailckas' best-selling memoir Pretty Girl Drank a Lot:

Your Pinot Gris is so last week: according to the Sunday Styles, rosé is the new hotness,* being stylishly sipped by everyone from Russell Simmons to Jay McInerney to beloved Misshapes Leotard Fantastic and the Other Guy (at right). West Village gastropub the Spotted Pig is touted as carrying five rosés on its wine list, and owner Ken Friedman says, "Ros has replaced prosecco and cosmos as the new chick drink." (We totally missed that prosecco thing.) And if it's good enough for Carrie Bradshaw, it's good enough for every other misguided soul hoping to achieve such an intangible level of chic.

More from the Pig:

• As you've no doubt heard, Mel Gibson was arrested Friday for drunk driving down the PCH in Malibu, at which point he announced that "fucking Jews" were "responsible for all the wars in the world." He also made it clear that he owned Malibu, called a female officer "sugar tits" and threatened to fuck everyone within earshot. The police department may have tried to hide the inflammatory report, seeing as they're such big fans of Braveheart. [TMZ]
• 26-year-old Band-Aid heiress Casey Johnson plans to adopt a baby from Kazakhstan and dress her in "the cutest leopard baby bikini." Babies sure are neat toys! [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton lookalikes are trashy, mildly psychotic — just like the real thing. [R&M]
• Tori Spelling and her husband love nothing more than a night in with some microwave popcorn and a copy of Black Cock Invasion II. [Page Six]
• On August 14, Boy George will perform his community service (for reporting a false break-in) by cleaning the streets. As extra punishment, they'll likely send him to Chinatown. [NYDN]

• Angelina Jolie has officially stolen Jennifer Aniston's Oscar vehicle. She'll play Mariane Pearl, the widow of murdered Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl — a role originally written for Aniston. Stolen manchild Brad Pitt will produce, then continue to scratch his ass. [Gatecrasher]
• Radio jock Wendy Williams reveals Method Man's wife is battling cancer, sending the Wu Tang rapper into a lengthy rant on an online hip-hop station. If it had been on Hot97, someone would've been shot by now. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• The hunger makes Ellen Pompeo crazy: she refuses to do interviews with other Grey's Anatomy cast members and jumps out of a car in the midst of a screaming match with her boyfriend. [Page Six]
• TomKat have had a very exciting, great, amazing and redundant year. [Us Weekly]
• Jackie Chan is sorry he's such a drunk. If you were the star of The Tuxedo, you'd be an alcoholic too. [IMDb]
• Stuck in Lebanon amidst warfare, celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain makes one last call to his ex-girlfriend to tell her that he's okay. [Page Six]
• Mr. T renounces gold chains. Welcome to the summer news slowdown, people. [TMZ (3rd item)]

• Beer king Pete Coors gets a DUI; in an era of corporate corruption, it sure is nice to see an executive who really loves his product. [Denver Post]
• If you're going to have a complex, might as well develop it in your infancy: pictures of Suri Cruise aren't worth half as much as those of Shiloh. [TMZ]
• At 7 PM tonight, a pompous clusterfuck will descend upon Soho House. Worse than usual, we mean. Here's your guide to understanding why the fuck Toby Young's book party is so random. [Eat the Press]
• Leonardo DiCaprio films at old mob haunt in Brooklyn; borough's celebrities-are-here arrogance grows 37%. [NewYorkology]
• A handy guide to the MySpace profiles of all your favorite D-list reality stars. [Jane]
• Speaking of D-List, agent Roger Paul revels in the joys of managing Screech. What's not to when the guy's packing 8-inches of hot geek meat? [NYP]
• The rules of office restroom etiquette: "Dancing in front of the auto-flush to the tune of 'Material Girl' playing in your head wastes water and will summon your boss to the bathroom like a beacon. Don't." [The World According to Tom]
• How not to gracefully accept that you didn't get the job. [PR Differently]
• The Post knows there's only one way to cover the "bartha bartha" explosion on East 62nd Street: by focusing on the hot girl who was tragically injured. A video of her almost getting killed? Even hotter. [NYP]

Oh, the things we've missed in the Sunday Times. It's not just showers and deodorant anymore; by not reading yesterday's Sunday Styles — we were on vacation; give us a break — we missed yet another important life lesson. It's a bit of wisdom from Pat Lillis, who, according to her frontpage style-section profile, is the Pet Detective of the Hamptons. (What, your hometown didn't have one of those? Hicks.) Young Vito Schnabel, son of artist Julian, provides our teachable moment:

The true beauty of New York, of course, is public transit. In L.A., it's safe to assume that most of the folks on most of the freeways are more than a little drunk on most of the evenings. But here, subways! cabs! walking! We don't drive drunk not because we're good or pure or noble; we don't drive drunk because we don't drive.

The ever-irrepressible scamps at TMZ.com finally put their irrepressibility to good use and got their hands on the criminal complaint filed against Page Six editor Richard Johnson. At 12:01 a.m. this morning, in front of 425 West 14th Street, according to the complaint, Johnson was at the wheel of his Ford Escape with his keys in the ignition and engine running when NYPD Officer Robert Gluck says he was "intoxicated in that the defendant had watery and bloodshot eyes, had slightly slurred speech and had the odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath." Why this resort of an anecdotal description of his drunkenness? Because RJ, the report says, refused to take a Breathalyzer.

We've yet to confirm anything, but our BFF Perez is reporting that Page Six editor Richard Johnson was arrested last night for drunk driving. On our end, we know that he was holding court at Soho House around 11 PM, but we didn't notice any more slurring than you'd expect of someone in that godforsaken place. Though he was waving around car keys and singing Leader of the Pack at the top of his lungs. So maybe...

• You may find this hard to believe, but Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes likely have no plans to marry. They do, of course, have plans to endure one another for the proper amount of time before he abruptly dumps her and she tries save her career. But let's be clear: Joey Potter is no Kidman. [Awful Truth]
• Miss Kentucky 2002 offers herself up to Nick Lachey during the Derby parties, but he politely declines. After all, he's got a lovesick image to maintain and a single to promote. When stuff goes gold, then he'll fuck freely. [Lowdown]
• Today in Chardenade Heatherich, Richie Sambora denies having an affair with Denise Richards. You know, just to keep the story moving along. [IMDb]
• So howzabout that rehabbing congressman Patrick Kennedy? Turns out that before he was popping prescription painkillers, he was a coked up young legislator wearing blackface to daddy's parties. Oh, those fun-loving Kennedy boys — such a hoot! [R&M]
• For its list of the best bars in America, Esquire lists New York's 21, Julius, and Bill's Gay 90s. Shockingly, Nevada Smith's did not make the final cut. [Page Six]

There is no more important training for a young journalist than a lesson in how to hold your liquor. And there is no better way to learn to hold your liquor than at an open bar you can't get from. Hence the annual Columbia J-School booze cruise, at which this year — this is our favorite part — it seems the cocktailing will begin at 4 p.m. Of course, while an open bar would be ideal, the j-school currently charges its students a mere $38,500 in tuition and fees, and so it can afford only a cash bar. And, even better, a "cash food bar" — unless students shell out six bucks for the buffet, they're stuck with only "chips and salsa, and crudite with herbed dipping sauce." Dress is "reporter semi-formal," which seems easy enough until you remember how reporters dress, and the full email announcement is after the jump.

No wonder 19-year-old Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan had to plagiarize her novel — it's because she's sooo hungover:

• One night after she was seen having Guinness with dinner, pregnant Gwyneth Paltrow is spotted downing glasses of wine at Lupa. Here's hoping she names the kid Franzia. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• Cindy Adams gives an inexplicable shout-out to Lindsay Lohan, who has a dog that "may be having mental problems." Oh, Cindy — quit projecting. [Cindy Adams]
• Loudmouthed hookerpants Anna Benson files for divorce from former Mets pitcher Kris Benson, claiming that he's cheated on her. Benson, we suspect, is relieved. [Deadspin]
• Even if he's a longshot, should Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter replace Brad Grey as head of Paramount, we'll fly to Los Angeles just so we can slit our wrists in Hollywood. [Page Six]
• Beyoncé's father challenges American Idol creator Simon Cowell to a pre-fabricated musical duel. Slow news day. [Lowdown]

• At Lower East Side sushi joint Cube 63, Gwyneth Paltrow is seen downing a Guinness — some doctors say that the stout is alright for expecting mothers because of its iron content. Later, as she downed her third redheaded slut, she told onlookers that the J ger was good for baby's liver. [Gatecrasher]
• Good Morning America executive producer John Green doesn't want to book former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright because she has "Jew shame," which is much worse than the average "Jew guilt," we suppose. [Page Six]
• With all the news about the 9/11 911 tapes being released, Lloyd Grove's headline, "Tale of the 911 Tape: Star Jones Was in Peril," was surprisingly challenging for us to comprehend. [Lowdown]
• Page Six finally decides to throw a bone to Ellen Barkin, claiming that she'll have the last laugh in her divorce from Ron Perelman. Why? Because she'll have an on-screen romance with Matt Damon in Ocean's 13. As if being in that overstretched franchise does anyone any good. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake thinks that his ex-girlfriend Britney Spears' husband, the luscious Kevin Federline, is "gross." Way to go out on a limb there with the risky opinions. [Scoop]

• Because a Mexican orphan is the best image makeover money can buy, Jessica Simpson is considering adoption. Next, she'll fuck Brad Pitt and swap vials of blood with Kofi Annan. [AP]
• In crazy heiress news that spans across the ages, 26-year-old Casey Johnson is accusing her aunt, Libet Johnson, 55, of sleeping with 38-year-old talent manager John Dee, who Casey claims is her boyfriend. Dee denies any relationship with Casey, but the rift between the Johnson women will not mend — not without a threesome, anyhow. [Page Six]
• After two years of sobriety, James Gandolfini is back to hitting the bottle. When adequately sauced, he can be seen licking young ladies' faces. [Gatecrasher]
• Nicolette Sheridan isn't doing any favors for Michael Bolton in the bedroom. [Scoop]
• True to form, rapper Busta Rhymes informs us all that he "fucking hates faggots." If that's the case, we'd love to know why he was seen in a diner full of trannies. [Page Six]
• Someone please, please tar and feather Sharon Stone. [Lowdown]
• Rosie O'Donnell reads Gawker Stalker — and shockingly, she's not fearing for her life. [Fox411]

And you thought Google Maps were only being used to stalk celebrities. Turns out you can use theem to get completely shit-faced, too. Thanks to the alcoholics at New York On Tap, you can now use maps to locate bars by address, neighborhood or subway stop. (Looks like they have a way to go before they have every watering hole indexed, but most of downtown Manhattan is now covered.) Drunks never had it this easy.

• Beloved perv Dan Savage discovers another note left by Village Voice Media tribal warlord Mike Lacey: "I recently discovered that many of the young ladies who advertise in the back pages of the Voice actually have PENISES. They appear to be ladies until it s too late." [Slog]
• The Huffington Post agrees: Tomatoes are delicious. [Media Mob]
• Everyone's favorite lady from the now-defunct Black Table takes her act elsewhere: Amy Blair writes Week in Craig for Animal mag's online venture. [Animal NY]
• The Times online is all hopped up on bloggy goofballs: today they launch yet another blog, The Pour. Written by resident wino Eric Asimov, it promises to be an exciting look at the world of, uh, overanalyzing your booze. [The Pour]
• Determined to win an Ellie in the court of public opinion, the Atlantic puts all of its nominated material online. [Atlantic]
• Blondie builds stuff. [The Gutter]
• Grammar cop cites a Paris Hilton-inspired advertisement on the Drudge Report. Isn't that, like, a triply offensive violation? [Banterist]
• The only thing truly worth failing: the Ann Coulter Quiz. [Minor Tweaks]

• More on HBO's new multi-wived drama, Big Love: If you liked the premiere or just needed more reason to hate it, behold the show's cruel marketing tactics. We'll let you plaster the background of Page Six with your logo, but defiling the Times Vows section is simply unacceptable. What was once pure is now maimed by marketing whores. [City Specific]
• A study finds that bloggers do very little original reporting and, less surprisingly, cable news is the most shallow and ephemeral of media outlets. This has been brought to you by the Captain Obvious Center for Media Research. [NYT]
• Even less original reporting from bloggers today, as we hear that Blogger has been down. We love it when bloggers can't even bitch about being unable to bitch.
• Surprise, surprise: They just might shut down The Falls, where ex-con Darryl Littlejohn worked as a bouncer and was last seen with murder victim Imette St. Guillen. While it's still open, try to have your birthday party there — should be plenty of room for you and yours. [NY Sun]
• Remembering better days, before Angelina Jolie was rescuing orphans and was just another crazy dyke. [Stories You Cannot Tell]
• Mariah Carey buys her own winery — because that's how rich boozers roll. Rest assured, the zinfandel is very full-bodied. [omg blog]
• The best of Amazon, as presented by Andrew Krucoff. [Young Manhattanite]

• Bruce Willis, who seems to think he's an expert on everything these days, likens the Colombian drug trade to terrorism. Put your nose where your mouth is, homeboy. [Scoop]

• Uma Thurman and petit hotelier Andre Balazs have parted ways; no more free rooms at the Mercer for her, we're afraid. Like she cares. [Page Six]

• In a display at their Barneys boutique, stationery company Mrs. John L. Strong is showing off actual stationery from A-list clients, including the addresses of Ann Curry, Lauren DuPont, and the Osbournes. Money can't buy class, but it can sell you out. [Lowdown]

• A Boston restuarant refuses to serve alcohol to teen actress Amanda Bynes. Poor Bynes; if only she had remembered to wear her Lohan costume, she could've gotten suitably wasted. [Page Six]

• Now that Millenium owns Reebok Sports Club/NY, only the prettiest employees are visible to customers. It ensures better weight loss results, really. [R&M]

Yesterday, we were told that Rob the Bouncer (author of the Clublife blog) was getting rapid fire questions about the bouncing industry; today, the media focuses on what the murder of Imette St. Guillen means for women on the town: