• Is Madonna's relationship with Jesus Luz purely platonic? The two are "quite close and cuddly, but not exactly romantic," and Jesus was spotted at a Kabbalah service "playing around more with Rocco than paying attention to Madonna," which can't be a good sign. [E!]
• Did marrying Tom Cruise ruin Katie Holmes' chances of ever having a movie career? Is Tom's sister secretly handling his PR even though she pretends to just be his assistant? So many questions! [Fox 411, P6]
• Amy Winehouse's estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil was released from jail yesterday. [The Sun]
• Martha Stewart's old friend Sam Waksal is now out of a halfway house and "ready to get back to work trying to find a cure for cancer." [NYDN]

Perhaps upset that Elisabeth Hasselbeck has usurped her crown as the most reviled woman ever to spout off on The View, Star Jones has warned the upcoming issue of Essence, "Star is back!" Batten down your hatches accordingly, then head into the mind of Star for her thoughts on everything from her gastric bypass ("If I had just been honest, there would not have been a backlash") to her pining, gay ex-husband ("I'm not in love with him") to...oh hell, we're just delaying the good stuff: Star slinging shit at the ladies of The View, who she deems "hateful"!

• Raffaello Follieri is expected to appear in court later this morning and plead guilty to wire fraud and money laundering, a deal that will land him a jail term of 51 to 63 months. [NYP]

• Dark Knight star Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his own mother and sister. Police apparently waited to question Bale about the incident because "it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere." Yes, one wouldn't want to interrupt the celebration of a fictional vigilante crime fighter with an awkward attempt to, you know, fight crime. [Sun]

• Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner may be back together, possibly because Ivanka has agreed to convert to Judaism if the relationship gets serious. [Page Six]

• The biggest loser in the Jimmy Kimmel-Sarah Silverman breakup? Howard Stern, who sounds despondent about the split. He was supposed to hang out with the couple on vacation last week, but they never showed, and when Howard later heard the news, he was so upset he had to take a walk to calm down. [Page Six]

Al Reynolds, the "banker" who was once "married" to Star Jones, seems to be taking a cue from Tricia Walsh-Smith! He's posted a video on YouTube to talk about his side of the story and set a few things straight. First of all, he'd like you to know that he's as straight an arrow. All that talk about him being gay? Nonsense, he tells the woman he hired to interview him, former Celebrity Justice correspondent (and lesbian) Jane Velez-Mitchell. He's just Southern! And he cares about the way he dresses! Al's impassioned defense (with very un-Tricia-like production values) after the jump.

• Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend John Mayer got into a hotel pool in Miami, and there were pictures, and everyone found this very exciting for some reason. The Sun went above and beyond, as usual, with shots of the two parts of the actress' body any experienced reader of the British tabloid would expect it to focus on. (Photo from X17)

We rarely like to take a mental walk down memory lane when it comes to the Most Nauseating Celebrity Hookups of all time, but news of the latest addition has unfortunately led us to revisit the grotesque list. We’ve already seen Liza Minelli and Phantom Of The Plastic Surgery Ward David Gest exchange saliva, Star Jones give Al an awkward lap dance and guiltily pleasured ourselves by witnessing wrinkly charmer Hugh Hefner and his thin lips attach themselves to the Girls Next Door. But after reading about one beach yoga-practicing, SUV-abandoning actor known for generally annoying everyone in Hollywood, and one scratchy-voiced “punk” rock chick known for generally hating everyone in Hollywood playing tongue twister in LA this past Tuesday, we may have a winner. The canoodlers in question, and just how far they went, after the jump:

• Jennifer Lopez is going to star in a TLC reality show about raising her twins. Oh this is going to be awesome. We're going to get to see all of the crazy stuff Tom Cruise and Lopez's other Scientologist advisers had installed for the little ones: the security cameras, "sterile" baby wing, sanitized flowers and the staff of baby bodyguards and color therapist.

No respectable gay man would let his gal pal traipse around in public looking so damn unsightly.

• With his second seed born just weeks ago, Kevin Federline takes to Vegas for a weekend of binge-drinking, banquette-dancing, and trying to forget that he actually married to Britney Spears. [Page Six]
• Democratic congressional candidate Kirsten Gillibrand enlists Oscar-winner David Strathairn to act like Ed Murrow in her campaign video. Fantasy politics are the next big thing. [R&M]
• Star Jones and Al Reynolds finally get the hint and leave Manhattan, opting for Speedo-friendly Miami. Al just loves South Beach. [Page Six]
• Larry Birkhead, the photographer who claims to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child, files a paternity suit after Smith's pseudo-husband/lawyer Howard K. Stern tells Larry King that he's the father. We know the woman has money, but why is everyone so eager to get credit for fucking her? Seriously, it's no grand achievement. [TMZ]
• Mark Foley just doesn't understand why a bunch of naked kids would be in a hot tub and not think to invite him. [Lowdown]

• A gentleman caller comes looking for Star Jones' "husband" Al Reynolds at 4 AM and rings the wrong buzzer (thus the whole world knows). Also not helping Al's case: running around in Spandex. [Page Six]
• Mel Gibson doesn't hate Jews who are female, 23-years-old, and "fetching." [R&M]
• Penelope Cruz, always willing to lend her name and questionable credibility to Tom Cruise, claims to have seen "beautiful" baby Suri. [AP]
• Maria Menounos: the next Cindy Adams? [Page Six]
• Brad Pitt sings about how he wishes he worked in Midtown. The man's intelligence is just stunning. [Us Weekly]

Media Take Out is reporting that Star Jones' bearded husband Al Reynolds allegedly saw a divorce lawyer. And are we surprised? No one will come within 20 feet of Star's stomach staples. She's facing a dramatic income drop, and a lower tax bracket isn't going to support Al's banana hammock collection nor cover whatever fees he charges to appear smiling by Star's side. As the story goes:

• Instead of serving hard time for cocaine possession, Boy George will be doing community service. Specifically, he'll be working for the Department of Sanitation. With the summer heat melting rat turds everywhere, we would've opted to be a prison bitch. [OMG]
• Terror returns to the financial district: Naomi Campbell moving into 55 Wall Street. [WSJ]
• Peter Kaplan and Arthur Carter are surprisingly hot. [The Real Estate]
• If Star Jones and Al Reynolds were fish, she'd be the bug-eyed starfish and he'd be a gay-as-a-rainbow trout. [Gallery of the Absurd]
• Heather Graham gets ice cream and you don't. But really, she needs it more than you do. [Almost Literary]
• If you combine Times heds with the final paragraph of the accompanying story, you get a simplified, if not mildly insane, result. [Bumper Active]
• Grace Edwards toes dangerously at the nipslip line — really, New York Social Diary just doesn't do that sort of thing, dear. [NYSD]
• This is extremely late-breaking, but when in doubt, blame sagging circulation on natural disasters. You can't argue with God's weather patterns! [Mediaweek (last graf)]

The National Enquirer is busy flacking a big Star Jones story the supermarket tab is breaking today, and we admit we're intrigued. But we're also sort of at a loss: Should we be joking about the fact a secret breast-lift procedure nearly killed her? Or that her husband, that not at all gay Al Reynolds, couldn't be at her side because he was in another hospital, across the country, after falling at the gym?

When buying on Amazon.com, it's interesting to see what other shoppers bought along with your item of choice. It would seem that users who inexplicably purchased Star Jones Reynolds' life-and-love book Shine also bought the tearjerker memoir written by the mother of murder victim Laci Peterson, a pairing so frequent that it has prompted Amazon to market a package deal.

As if you wanted to know, Star Jones Reynolds divulges her thoughts on the most romantic Broadway song ever:

• Irish slutbunny Colin Farrell checks into rehab for "exhaustion" and an addiction to prescription painkillers. The pills were reportedly prescribed to him after he threw out his back, presumably from humping every chica in Miami. [Page Six]
• The fine fellow who claims to have Jenna Bush's ID after she left it in Chinatown inferno Happy Endings just happens to be a coke dealer. Bless this Bush twin for helping our local economy! [Radar]
• Are Brangelina shopping for a few architectual finds in Los Angeles? Reportedly they're looking at two homes for $10 million. [Lowdown (bottom of page)]
• But model Jenny Shimizu — who famously had a passionate tryst with Angelina Jolie — knows that not even Brad Pitt's architectural dilettantism can touch the depths of the ladies' sapphic love. [R&M]
• Madonna believes that if she were a man, she'd be president. She'd have to lose the faux-accent first, though. [Scoop]
• Proving their sense of humor to have no limits, Page Six refers to Star Jones's husband Al Reynolds as "manly." Manly like a big, thick beard. [Page Six]

Star Jones is the first and only woman to get that close to Al Reynold's lap.