You do know how to pronounce Dolce & Gabbana and Gucci, don't you? You're not one of those people who pronounces Hermès as "Her-meees," are you? In case you've been having trouble with the names of foreign fashion designers, the Imperial Hotel Management College in Vancouver has uploaded clips to YouTube to demonstrate how it's done. As The Moment points out, though, the school "seems to conflate the house's proper pronunciation with the accent of its country of origin." (In other words, follow the school's instructions and you may end up sounding dumb and/or incredibly pompous.) Worse still: A couple of the clips featuring the names of French designers sound as if they were recorded by French-Canadians, which may very well be a crime graver than the one committed against the House of Versace by Elizabeth Berkley's character in Showgirls. [The Moment via Gawker]

New York City, which is broke, of course, is selling off naming rights for its city parks. For mere millions! Using sociogeographical insight and imaginary marketing expertise, we have compiled a list of exactly who should buy these rights for a half-dozen parks. Read it and argue:

The Hipster Grifter is now fodder for Mom-blog advice columns. Truly, she has arrived.

John Gechter, the gay porn power bottom from a Christian college, is moving to New York. And now some helpful gay has written him a letter to help ease his transition. It's wonderful! And horrifying.

American Poultry Queen Oprah Winfrey gave the commencement address to the starry-eyed, chickenless graduates of Duke University yesterday. Her message to them: I really love my private jet!

Today's question for incomprehensible Salon advice-giver Cary Tennis comes from someone who writes "I am 25 AND I HAVE A HARVARD DEGREE!" So what is the problem?

I mean can you believe the nerve of this fuckin' guy, coming on CNBC and saying amateurs should follow a proven successful passive investment strategy and shouldn't try to time the market according to the rantings of a man whose stock picks have a losing record? The nerve of this fuckin' guy. Shove your "index funds" up your tight ass!

Cary Tennis: "I like to try new things. It means that often I do not finish old things. I have another thing wrong with me, too. Sometimes I don't like to try new things." What?

Salon's Cary Tennis and Slate's Prudence both hand out advice. Today, they happened to answer the same letter from a guy conflicted about spending his inheritance from grandma. Let's compare and contrast their responses.

Now that the Somali Pirates have been decisively...killed, their fellow pirates are vowing to "retaliate." Oh geez. Hey guys, pirates—you're going about this the wrong way. Follow this friendly advice, before you're all destroyed:

The magazine industry had sincere, desperate hopes that Michelle Obama could be the next Princess Di, moving copies automatically with her smile. Not gonna happen. But following these simple Michelle Magazine Cover Rules can help:

Oh. Damn. Microtrend-spotting evil flack Mark Penn has struck upon the way to get rich. And he reveals it today, in his microtrend column! Totally. Ironclad. Moneymaking. This is why he's much wealthier than you:

Last month, news broke of a rumored affair between Michael Wolff and a younger employee. A week later, rumors came out about CNN's Jeff Toobin having an affair. Now, all is quiet. Technique is everything:

"Dear [crazy Salon advice-giver] Cary [Tennis], I am a college journalism professor." Guaranteed winner.

"What about the physical effects of hot-sauce-laced sperm in a woman's vagina?...if thousands or millions of totally uninformed young men go around putting hot sauce in condoms, who is to blame?" [Cary Tennis, naturally]

When the ladies from The Real Housewives of New York City were criticized for being hopelessly out of the touch with the current economic climate, they argued that the show had been filmed before the financial crisis, so it wasn't really their fault. Well, it appears that Jill Zarin has still failed to pick up a copy of the newspaper. OK! asked the fabric mogul's wife where to go to find a rich husband and instead of providing an answer that actually makes sense (move to China?), she reverted to the sort of advice that might have been useful in 2005. "If you want to find a rich husband, go sit in a private airplane terminal," Jill Zarin says. "Anyone coming off a private airplane is probably doing all right."

Some prolix young woman wants to know, "How do I stop being a know-it-all?" But this poor, foolish girl went looking for answers from Salon's cheese-and-nutball advice columnist Cary Tennis. A professional know-it-all!

Dealbreaker has some very useful "dos" and "don'ts" if you happen to be a financial fraudster still at large, and you're currently planning your flight from justice. "Don't: Wear expensive cowboy boots and show the flight crew your hoard of $4 to $5 million in gold. Yes. They are very impressed. And now they will never, ever forget your face." [Dealbreaker]

Quiz: Some people you knew back in your hometown send you friend requests on Facebook. You don't really like them. Do you A) accept requests, B) deny requests, C) have an existential crisis?

Word is spreading around the office that layoffs are coming any moment. What should you wear for the big day? Ben Widdicombe, who found out in January that his "contract with a national magazine" (otherwise known as Star) was not being renewed, explains: "The perfect termination outfit should feature professionalism and employability as the top note, but with accents of confidence and an aftertaste that leaving the premises means moving on up. A sober suit with a bright shirt is perfect." One other bit of advice: "It is also important, when anticipating bad news, not to wear a favorite piece of clothing, which will forever be associated with an unpleasant memory." [NYT/The Moment]