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Segues Of A Lifetime

Hamilton Nolan · 08/01/08 01:35PM

"Batman would be nothing more than Bruce Wayne without the cool gadgets he uses to capture Gotham City's seediest characters. Why then are today's heroes, among them designers of rich online interactive media (videos, animations, etc.), not yet using cool tools to capture approvals on videos and animation?" You think you can beat that press release transition from a pop culture item of the moment to a pitch for an unrelated mundane service? Try in the comments, then! I beg you. [via Ad Age]

Paradigm Shifts As American Apparel Spoofer Attacks Brooklyn

Hamilton Nolan · 08/01/08 12:37PM

Everything is different now: for the first time in recorded history, the mysterious and porny American Apparel ad spoofer has struck in Brooklyn. Manhattan is so over! Is this a good thing or a bad thing to Brooklyn gentrification opponents, philosophically speaking? The new piece is also directly next to an AA store, perhaps marking an escalation in the conflict between spoof in commerce. Or a confluence? So many questions. One thing we are sure of: this spoofer fears neither male nor female private parts, at least in line drawing form. We feel the time has come for Dov Charney to speak out directly on his, uh, admirer. Click through for a larger pic of the latest, uh, artwork:

All Book Has Going For It Is "Clitoris"

Hamilton Nolan · 08/01/08 11:16AM

"There are 8,000 nerve endings in the clitoris and this son of a bitch couldn't find one of them." Sound like an opening sentence to a trashy beach novel that aims to be read by thousands of housewives lolling on the Jersey shore before becoming landfill refuse? That's exactly what it is! But since it has such a killer first line, the people promoting the book (Tan Lines, obviously) made a video of all types of random people reading it. Just that line. It's all downhill from there. This is like the far, far less literary version of the video of random blogger types reading from the Keith Gessen FSU remix book. I bet the Tan Lines people wish Julia Allison had showed up to put some flair into it. Aw! Watch the strange clitoris festival, below:

The Vicious Cycle Of Publicity Stunts

Hamilton Nolan · 08/01/08 08:26AM

Summer is not just an excruciatingly slow time of year for actual news; it's also an excruciatingly slow time for manufactured news. It's not like ad agencies can just riff off all the interesting scandals in the news, when there are no scandals in the news. What does that mean for you, the consumer? A shitload of publicity stunts, in which advertisers try to create some interest out of nothing. What does that mean for advertising reporters? Stories about these very stunts-sometimes even a trend story, to give the appearance of being something more than just a roundup of items from Adrants. See, the system works! Although that doesn't mean any of these stunts are necessarily good:

Paris Hilton's Family Spanks McCain

Ryan Tate · 07/31/08 11:41PM

Just as we suspected, the Hilton family is pretty pissed they donated money to John McCain only to have him make their little Paris out to be some kind of trivial celebutard in an anti-Obama attack ad. Between Paris Hilton's parents and her grandpa, the family has donated close to $60,000 to McCain and a Republican party senate fund over the past few years. And yet they apparently got zero corrupting influence in return! What's the point of even being a Republican plutocrat? The Hilton patriarch has dispatched a series of angry telegrams to McCain headquarters demanding answers:

Honda Encourages Your Drug Addiction

Ryan Tate · 07/31/08 10:08PM

Apparently trying to get people to "CRAVE" their ugly, 20-mile-per-gallon (city!) CR-V crossover, Honda made a dopey, computerized 20-questions thing for their website. In case you've never done one before, that means you think of some THING and the website asks you a series of questions and tries to guess what THING you've got in mind. There are any number of sites that can do this, so Honda apparently just downloaded some sort of standard programming library to make the game work, then wrapped it in a 3-D model of their car for marketing purposes. But they forgot to take out many of the racier THINGS one might have in mind, like an herbal jazz cigarette, also known as a "joint." We're told "cocaine" also worked at one point but can't get the game to accept that — it says "I am guessing that you're thinking of something your mother wouldn't approve of." Aww Honda, just throw open the floodgates. Then the game might actually be sorta fun! [Honda]

Unscrupulous Marketers Pay For Media Placement

Hamilton Nolan · 07/31/08 04:18PM

One-fifth of all marketing executives in a new survey say that they've bought advertising in a publication in exchange for a news story. Ten percent say they've had "an implicit/non-verbal agreement with a reporter or editor" for favorable coverage (seems low). And 8% say they've "paid or provided a gift of value to an editor/producer" in return for story (also seems low). It's all enough to make you want to run out and buy a bottle of Stoli Blakberi™, pour one part Stoli Blakberi™ in a tall glass with ice, top with three parts tonic, garnish with a lime wedge, and consume your Stoli Blackberi™ Tonic. [PRW (my former gig)/ MS&L via Adrants Photo: Reuters]

"Hypnosis acts like a time machine"

Hamilton Nolan · 07/31/08 02:55PM

An alarming trend in market research has just come to our attention: Hypnosis focus groups. Regular focus groups are full of lying consumers who are scared to admit they only purchase whatever is cheapest, and they're always dominated by one loudmouth who argues until everyone else agree with them. But not if everyone in the focus group is hypnotized—then they're "compelled to tell the truth about their economic situation and their true feelings." This seems like an extreme length to go to to hear people's deep, dark opinions on fabric softener. And the outfit selling this service is just as odd(ly creepy) as you might expect: Time machines! Sexy time! Godzillllllaaaaaaa! From the website of Hypnosis Focus Groups, complete with disturbingly literal illustrations!

Conde Nast Environmental Hypocrisy Exposed!

Hamilton Nolan · 07/31/08 10:37AM

The magazine industry cares about the environment. They promise. For example, did you know that magazines can be recycled? Just put them right there in the recycling bins and feel the satisfaction! The industry is even running a campaign to urge you all to "Please Recycle This Magazine" after you read it (though I choose to recycle Entertainment Weekly before I read it). But are the biggest publishing companies themselves living up to these lofty recycling standards? One possibly soon-to-be-fired Conde Nast insider says hell no! Conde Nast Portfolio media blogger Jeff Bercovici says in a post about the green campaign:

Skinny Models Turn Women To Masochists

Hamilton Nolan · 07/31/08 09:26AM

Ladies, have a look at this ad featuring skinny supermodel Kate Moss. How does it make you feel? Wait, let me tell you how it makes you feel: it makes you hate your own body, but really want to purchase that handbag Kate Moss is advertising! What am I, psychic? No, I'm just telling you what the advertising industry has discovered in a breakthrough new study about skinny models. Women love to hate themselves and keep coming back for more, apparently! The actual, scientific study found that "ads featuring thin models made women feel worse about themselves but better about the brands featured." They make you despise your own "normal" body, and subconsciously try to correct the situation with therapy consisting of shopping. Oh, the pretty girls have all the pretty brands! A Villanova professor who ran the study ferreted out just what advertisers bank on: masochism. ""The really interesting result we're seeing across multiple studies is that these thin models make women feel bad, but they like it," he said. The advertising industry always knew you were a bad, bad girl. And in the most entertaining twist to this whole thing, the study also found that images of skinny models make women stop eating. Surprise!:

Kathy Griffin Not Going Full Monty As Gay Icon

Ryan Tate · 07/31/08 12:38AM

She'll embrace her status as a queer icon, show up at the GLAAD awards and even host the gayest flight into Australia, but D-lister and reality show star Kathy Griffin does not appear eager to jump into bed with Manhunt, the notorious site for convenient man-on-man hookups. The site was hoping Griffin might be willing to join a marketing event for their newer, slightly less naughty site, ManCam, in which men merely ogle one another via Webcam and, uh, so forth. But she's totally not returning their calls! So they're just going to go ahead and use her likeness in a ManHunt online ad banner anyway, thus getting some nice free advertising. Sure, she could sue, but then that would mean free publicity! The banner and an excerpt from a Manhunt email on Griffin after the jump.

Lydia Hearst's Half-Nakedness So Much Classier

Ryan Tate · 07/30/08 10:41PM

In model-heiress Lydia Hearst's self-manufactured feud with Paris Hilton, Hearst positions herself as the more upscale socialite. Her sidelines constitute a "legitimate career," her poses those of a "supermodel" rather than the pedestrian kind and her family lineage is somehow more distinguished. Of course she's pretty much wrong in all regards about all that, but that doesn't mean she'll stop trying to make it true through endless repetition. So when the 23-year-old decided to flash some more skin (outside of bra-optional parties), she didn't do it in an endless series of nipple flashes, Paris Hilton style. She did it with her first lingerie campaign, for "upscale" brand Myla — and got coverage in the sorta-classier New York tabloid, the Daily News. Listen to how she says "ogle my body!" — and, optionally, ogle her body again via a remarkably stiff picture — after the jump.

Wack Ass Chris Brown Celebrates Wrigley's Evil Plan

Hamilton Nolan · 07/30/08 04:19PM

Oh look, it's a picture of bubblegum R&B singer Chris Brown shilling for the Wrigley corporation last night at a special event celebrating their secret plan to ruin all music forever and ever by turning it into undercover advertising. Here are some good brands of gum you may enjoy: Dentyne, Chiclets, Carefree, Ice Breakers, Stride, Trident, or Bubblicious. None of which are made by Wrigley! Every time you chew Doublemint, a pop artist gets wings and Tom Waits is stabbed with a fiery pencil right in his bellybutton. Boycott Wrigley for the sake of the children! [pic via Guest of aGuest]

Classic Booze Ads: "You Know Good Bourbon, Dick."

Hamilton Nolan · 07/30/08 03:39PM

Booze: it really sells itself. But you can always buy more booze, and liquor companies have been honing their sales pitches for decades. Below, seven ads for-bluntly-cheap rotgut booze, from the 1940s and 50s. Maybe this stuff was classy way back then? Gay undertones, exotic racism, sexism, and international flair are all in there! I think you'll prefer this brand of rotgut to booze costing "up to $1.00 more," assuming you're a white man!

There Is A Bomb In An Undisclosed Ruby Tuesday. Visit Now!

Hamilton Nolan · 07/30/08 02:40PM

The economy is tanking and everybody is foraging for grubs rather than spending their hoarded nickels eating out at casual dining establishments. Poor Bennigan's just went under. Ruby Tuesday is vowing not to suffer the same fate! So the Bennigan's-like chain, which is hanging on by a thread (deep fried thread, Ranch on the side), has come up with a smart new plan to revive itself: blow up one of its stores! With explosives. This is sure to work. The detonation will be broadcast live on the company's website. The message of this stunt? "Our company sucks."

Running For President On $5 A Day

Hamilton Nolan · 07/30/08 10:08AM

In the (very near) future, presidential candidates will have national advertising campaign budgets of about $637 or so. They'll just make a few very low-tech ads full of stock photos and slanderous lies about their opponents, run the ad once at 3 a.m. on a small local news channel in the Midwest, and then let the news networks swoop in and show the ad in its entirety hundreds of times for free, repeating all of its slanderous lies each time. That's basically been John McCain's strategy so far, and it's working like a charm!

Here, Kiddie Kiddie

Hamilton Nolan · 07/30/08 08:37AM

Children under 12 are the targets of almost $1 billion in marketing spending from food companies every year. What are they being sold? Pop-tarts, fast food, crackers, gum, sugary cereals, and the other things that good moms don't let their kids eat. But! The food industry has graciously decided that they will get their rampant advertising to kids under control, to ensure that the kids aren't, you know, encouraged to buy the carbtastic products that these companies make. And who is determining just what the standards will be for protecting kids? These very same food companies! In related news, kids are all fat. Let's break it down: A bunch of big huge evil food companies got together and formed a group and promised to either not advertise to kids, or only advertise products to kids that are "good" for them. Then these companies individually decided for themselves what it means to advertise to kids, and what food is "good." With predictable results! Here are some products you should be aware are good for your babies: Apple Jacks, Froot Loops, Corn Pops, Burger King's macaroni and cheese. Mmm! Plus, some companies say an ad only "targets children" if more than half of its audience is made up of kids under age 12. So 51% 13-year-olds and 49% toddlers, go right ahead with that bacon double cheeseburger ad! Mmm! And if it proves to be too much of a hassle for the companies, they just sell to the terrible parents of America:

Greenpeace Turns Trees To Common Whores

Hamilton Nolan · 07/29/08 03:35PM

God, the internet has really proven to be detrimental to our collective national psyche. It's gotten to the point that we won't even consider thinking about any organization that hasn't produced some god damn "viral video." And some porn! Must we impose these outlandish standards even on the gentle nature-lovers at Greenpeace? Yes, we demand they cater to our short attention spans and stunted penchant for sex jokes. So they have obliged with this "tree porn" video clip. Sexy stumps! Sultry openings in bark! And some guy standing just off camera moving leaves up and down over a forked branch like a giggling 12-year-old! Ha, "wood." Watch it below in order to save the earth or something!

The Condoms Of Champions

Hamilton Nolan · 07/29/08 01:04PM

Condom advertising is a fine art form. A prophylactic maker has to decide whether to go demure-letting the product sell itself-or think up some fancy gimmick to make people choose their rolled-up piece of plastic over other, incredibly similar, competitors. They're all gonna end up in the same place haha, yaknowhatimsayin? (Actually they won't, except in Iran). A Chinese condom company called Elasun has caught the Olympic spirit with an ad campaign that makes condoms into cute little references to Olympic sports. Because "Sports make you health"! Pictured, Bicycle-fucking. Click through for three more sport-fucking spots.

Can A Movie That's Not Crocodile Dundee Make People Go To Australia?

Hamilton Nolan · 07/29/08 11:33AM

I have to admit I didn't know that people actually physically picked up and visited and/ or moved to New Zealand just because they loved the Lord of the Rings movies. This is a fact, apparently, but what's the rationale? Hoping to run into a fantasy battle scene? I don't see it. Nevertheless, Australia is now planning to use a movie to lure in similar hordes of easily manipulated child-like Hollywood fans. If you go there you'll probably have sex with Nicole Kidman!