In your modernist Monday media column: Print porn gets desperate, Metro leaves America, reporters now work in coffee shops, and your dumb college newspaper articles are all on your permanent record:

All the grease-scarred veterans of the Oprah Chicken Riots of '09 know that they were bad. But did you know they were one of the worst marketing disasters of all time?

New York's most famous subway dermatologist, Dr. Jonathan Zizmor, took some time to chat with Gothamist today. And he was asked the question that has undoubtedly been on your mind for years now: Why does the photo of him make it seem as if he hasn't aged a day over the past quarter-century? Zizmor says he hasn't updated the photo in 25 years because "it's hard to do transparency, the color always comes out wrong." We have no idea what that means either, but points to Billy Parker for giving it a shot. [Gothamist]

Back in January, when Calvin Klein Jeans first revealed its new ad campaign shot by renowned photog Steven Meisel, company execs said it was so unbelievably racy, they wouldn't even be able to buy commercials on cable TV. But they didn't say anything about 100-foot billboards on Houston Street! "Looks like the recession isn't taming the cheap sluts and man-whores," writes Bowery Boogie. And thank God for that. [Bowery Boogie]

• CBS posted a first-quarter loss as the ad recession took its toll. [THR, NYT]
• News Corp. reported a 70 percent drop in quarterly profits. [LAT, B&C]
• Profit dropped by 46 percent at Warner Music during the same period. [PC]
• Sirius XM posted a $236 million quarterly loss and also announced that its number of subscribers declined for the first time ever. [AP]
• Cablevision plans to "explore" a spinoff of Madison Square Garden. [NYT]
• News Corp. chairman Rupert Murdoch says he plans to charge readers to access the online content of his newspapers in the near future. [E&P]
• The new Bob Dylan album is No. 1 on the charts this week. [THR]
• Felix Dennis says The Week is for sale. For just $200 million. [Folio]

Here is an odd commercial for a North Carolina furniture store showing black people and white people agreeing that this is a good furniture store, in North Carolina. What is this?

Cityfile: "So now that your sales are up—27 percent in the first quarter, you report—does this mean you'll be saving struggling media companies by buying airtime and running this commercial on cable?"
Nick Denton: "Funny what happens when a blog company tries to tell its own story. What does it use? Not the blog post, but video."

Are you overwhelmed today by the sheer force of the $100 million "marketing blitz" for McDonald's McCafé, the "mother of all campaigns" that's "impossible to escape"? Dié Starbucks! Drink McDonald's Coffeé Or Elsé!

In your eye-watering Tuesday media column: Advertising plunges, newspapers fiddle and burn, The Onion's boss tells em why he's mad, son, and DC reporters are hopelessly Obama-crushing:

• New York Times union members approved a five percent pay cut last night, which takes effect today. Meanwhile, the NYT will resume negotiations with the Boston Globe's largest union at 5pm this afternoon. [NYP, E&P]
• The Onion is killing off its LA and San Francisco print editions. [Gawker, MP]
• How desperate has NBC become? Execs have announced that Jay Leno "is not afraid to experiment with live commercials and with sponsorships." [AdAge]
• Better news for NBC: It scored big with its coverage of the Derby. [NYP]
• Ad spending in the fourth quarter fell 9.2% from a year earlier. [WSJ]
• Writers gathered last night to say goodbye to the Times' City section. [NYO]

America's going wild for Domino's new $5.99 Bread Bowl Pasta (Mmm!), so now's a great time to recall the story of Domino's poor "Pasta Dude": the anthropomorphic penne that was too hot for TV:

If you recently lost your job in advertising—or you're still employed but have lots of free time on your hands—you can still make sure that you're putting your creative talents to good use. Ad copywrighter Todd Norem recently helped a homeless man in Minneapolis come up with new signs to use when he hits the streets to pandhandle. The result? His "client," Ed, reported "at least a 800 percent increase in gross income on days his media ran." Now we'll just have to hope copywrighters in NYC rise to the occasion and do their part, too. A couple of other clever signs Norem created for Ed after the jump.

In your awardy Thursday media column: the recessiontastic magazine awards are here, newspaper meta-layoffs, Lenny Dykstra's canned, more justice for Chauncey Bailey, and advertising brainstorming:

"There's an old saying, 'The cobbler's children have no shoes,'" flacks would say to me every single fucking time I wrote about the PR industry's reputation, at my old job. Advertising people: equally bad.

It's not a great time to be a media conglomerate. Time Warner and Barry Diller's IAC both put out earnings this morning that are pretty painful. Especially for Time Inc.

NBC went and sold the most blatant product placement in TV history in its show Chuck, and what do you know, it worked! Not for Chuck; that shit is getting canceled. But for Subway, yes!

Classic appliance ads from the halcyon days when women were in the kitchen, dad was drunk in the den, and kids were really fucking creepy-looking: is there anything better?

Thehappycorp is an edgy little ad agency that most recently made news for getting Poster Boy to remix some MOMA ads, and getting fired by MOMA for it. Now a tipster says everyone's been fired.