If you grew up in this area during the eighties, there are a few things that are probably permanently stuck in your head in the place where algebra should be. Among them are "Pix pix pix pix pix," that Melle Mel/Van Silk "don't do it" PSA for WNBC against crack, and this commercial, which has probably been buried deep in your subconscious. Well, HotelChatter dredged it up for us; we're going to do the same for you.

The post-Volpe era at the Metropolitan Opera begins with a populist bang: They're slapping ads on any surface to which they'll stick. The Times reports that with opera's natural audience now noisily unwrapping its sour candies in that great hall in the sky, a new generation of people willing to spend $300 to watch carb-fuelled grotesques belt out "Ernani involami - all'abborrito amplesso" must be found, and soon. Will the strategy work? The Times trots out high-culture expert Leon Wieseltier, who seems skeptical:

This Sunday, Times child porn authority Kurt Eichenwald reported on "the latest trend in online child exploitation: Web sites for pedophiles offering explicit, sexualized images of children who are covered by bits of clothing — all in the questionable hope of allowing producers, distributors and customers to avoid child pornography charges." The piece was troubling, to be sure (particularly the part about 9-year-old Sparkle, "her tight panties and skimpy top... soaked and revealing"), but we found an extra bit of frisson when we read the story online, where the following (no doubt random) ads appeared alongside it.

Self-styled advertising revolutionaries Ihaveanidea asked "actual witch" Heidi Reiss to concoct a "creativity potion" to help advertising professionals come up with exciting new ways to move these refrigerators, color TVs. Reiss claims to be a "white magic" witch — don't they all, and isn't that racist anyway? — but a disclaimer warns that the potion is for "external use only." Then on her own site, Reiss adds that "All potions are for entertainment use only." Well, which is it? Plus, it appears the creativity potion already existed in her magic bag of tricks, so there's no particular reason it's keyed into the very specific creative needs of ad folk. The fact that the ingredient "orange rind" somehow "represents success" shows that the ways of the witch are as mysteriously obtuse as ever. (Note that the potion comes with EITHER one small organza drawstring bag OR one individually handcrafted oak stand, the latter of which has a slot for holding your business cards.)

This ad from Dell popped into our mailbox this morning. Hmm. Something about that equation seems familiar. Wikipedia?

Over at Adfreak, Catharine P. Taylor expresses suspicion about the new Mia Farrow ads for Gap, suggesting that they may have been airbrushed. Clearly they have: If Farrow looked this young in real life, Woody never would have left her.

PSFK spots this crapulent bit of graffiti-based "brandalism" at Little West 12th and Washington streets in the Meatpacking District. The next time you stumble out of Buddha Bar in your astronomically high heels, just think how receptive you'll be to a subtle pitch for a sensible midrange family sedan.

French clothier Shai has made a name for itself not so much with its products as with its hardcore porn online video catalogs. Porning up your morning is easy — just choose your preferred gender combo, and the selected models briefly repose in a Shai ensemble before stripping and going at it like the pornstars they actually are. (This is about as NSFW as it gets, so consider yourself warned.) Oh yeah, you can actually find out about the clothes during their brief appearance; mousing over the green dots freezes the video and brings up details on the relevant article. Fleshbot was on this months ago of course, but it took the Los Angeles Times to bring us the money quote from our national purveyor of adversexuality, American Apparel. Wonderfully named AA spokesperson Alexandra Spunt quoth:

Since we're in New York, our automotive experience is limited to taxis and other cars that get in the way of taxis, but that doesn't mean we're insensitive to the largely undiscovered (or undercovered) world of automotive media. Hairy-backed sib site Jalopnik has just begun to idly berate car mags like Popular Hot Rodding — yes, Popular Hot Rodding — for the thinly veiled practice of trading car parts for good reviews. It seems almost like medieval bartering, but we suppose it's no different than raiding the fashion closet for listicles, then taking home the newly distressed samples for further "review." Apparently this is more a case of impoverished "enthusiast media" journalists just not getting paid much in cash, so they take their editorial compensation in advertiser payola. We doubt many carburetors get offered nonchalantly across desks in Manhattan media offices, but if they do, we want to hear about it. Don't tell us about the payola you've accepted (unless you want to), but feel free to pass on anecdotes of the most baldfaced advertiser bribe you've ever turned down.

We weren't aware that Justin Long was "famous" enough to inspire a backlash, but apparently the star of the Mac ads (and the forthcoming feature film Young School) has been on the receiving end of a bit of vitriol roundabout these here Internets. We find the young actor delightful and charming, and think it shows incredible commitment to craft that someone who literally looks like a penis has enough self-belief to persevere in an industry where so much is based on appearances, but even we've got to say he's not helping himself with quotes like this:

The mocking flows fast & furious regarding Gwyneth Paltrow's "I Am African" ad. We naively wondered how long it would take for the parodies to start flooding in after the inevitable Mel Gibson treatment, and we received a fair flood of same. Most were crap, but the above strikes just the right tone of righteous indignation. After the jump, a couple more reader contributions that are even more disposable, but then we never can leave well enough alone.

We're more than happy to welcome today's banner ads for Court TV's reality show Parco P.I. After all, the show features a bald man, and you know how we like that look. But more to the point, we're compelled to wonder if our reluctant saturation coverage and dead-horse-beating parodies of the "Emily & Steven" billboards — a viral ad campaign for Parco P.I. — somehow led to this ad buy. If that's the case, we're not sure who gets congratulated and who feels ashamed, but we like wallowing in a little of both. Just the sort of pleasure-pain alloy we particularly enjoy.

Sometimes a story comes along that's so rife with implications for culture and our society and general that we can't help but tease out all its subtleties, examining every strand and offering our own prescriptions and commentary.

Yup. And I'm packing fourteen inches.

AdRants points us to the blog of Dieste Harmel & Partners' Creative Director Mack Simpson, who has made a horrifying discovery about himself: He's responsible for Koren Zailckas' alcoholism. Turns out Mack was responsible for the campaign behind Tequiza, a beer/tequila product that inexplicably still exists. A friend of his showed him this passage from Zailckas' best-selling memoir Pretty Girl Drank a Lot:

If it's Monday, it's time for a Wall Street Journal trend piece on a trend several weeks past its expiration date. We're talking about those MySpace pages that are very very thinly veiled advertisements, but which still allow one to become "friends" with the product in question (such as the movie World Trade Center). Dead trend piece aside, the WSJ article nevertheless contains a raft of quotable gems, unflinchingly shared after the jump.

AdMashup is a cute adblog encouraging creative types to turn in very lightly altered versions of existing ad campaigns. It's not as nuts as a Worth100 contest — most entries simply change a logo or ad copy, retargeting the ad for a new and yet somehow appropriate product. For example, the above bruised eye was originally made to pimp Windex (i.e. the window was so clear, the dude bumped his face). After the jump, observe the tweaked version.

Let us make a profound observation: Citizens of other nations are different from those of us here in the States. They may in fact have a higher public tolerance for profanity spoken by both old and young. For example, consider this ad consisting of a gentle British granny and her grandkids re-enacting the "dick dick dick" diner conversation from Reservoir Dogs. Or the same kids dropping a barrage of f-bombs during another such scene. It's all in aid of a game based on the movie, so it's too bad the ads would never see airtime in America (the game has already been banned in Australia). At this point, we'd rather just see the entire movie re-enacted by this same British family.

Now that everyone seems to have calmed down about Chuck Norris, David Hasselhoff has re-re-re-emerged as the fleeting kitsch masculinity icon of the moment, receptive to the brutish advances of anyone with a reasonably fat endorsement check. Hence this ad for British net provider Pipex that's been making the rounds, where Hasselhoff loudly claims his title as "king of the Internet." One has to admire the Hoff — briefly — for throwing himself shamelessly into the mugging. Afterwards, you realize you never want to say "the Hoff" again, even sarcastically.

We've always felt that a blowjob was the best form of flattery, but imitation works pretty well too. And when you combine them? Ecstasy. The kids over at AdRants point out a new Dolce & Gabbana ad that takes us all the way back to 2003, and the whole Puma blowjob thing. After the jump, D&G's homage. Those of you who compain about our not-safe-for-workness might want to steer clear.