According to the LAT's Gold Derby blog, some scandalized members within shadowy, buffet-decimating, kudos-proffering concern the Hollywood Foreign Press Association are livid that network broadcast partner NBC, hoping to salvage something from the strike-ravaged wreckage of the Golden Globes, intend to turn Sunday's one-hour press conference announcing this year's winners into an Access Hollywood-branded farce presided over by two of dinnertime TV's most recognizable faces:

At long last, Nicole Richie has lifted the media blackout surrounding her pregnancy by Joel Madden—lead singer of seminal, early-Oughts angst-pop outfit Good Charlotte—giving Access Hollywood's celebrity-baby-obsessed Billy Bush carte blanche to ask the not-burning questions we had zero investment in the answers to.

If you've truly given up all hope of living a productive and meaningful existence, we guide you now to AccessHollywood.com's live feed from the court steps of today's Spears-Federline custody hearing, where you can spend the next hour or so listening in on Tony Potts and Girl with Star-Shaped Microphone submit to an explosive bout of verbal, Britney-speckled diarrhea. Once you've sated yourselves with their insights, you can then continue onto similarly fulfilling activities, such as follicle-by-follicle pubic depilatory sessions and seeing how many canned olives you can eat before puking.

While repeat DUI-offender Michelle Rodriguez's employment woes have been temporarily staved off, having won a role in James Cameron's hotly anticipated Avatar, her legal troubles continue to come up on her like a Spam-and-cheese sandwich after one too many after-work Scorpion Bowls. At issue is an L.A. parole violation for her drunk driving arrest in Hawaii, for which she was sentenced to 60 days in jail, and which, in typical celebrity justice fashion, turned into 4 hours and 27 minutes of hard time, and 30 mandated days of community service. Now prosecutors are claiming she came up short, and lied about the days she claimed she did work:

Late yesterday afternoon, we briefly noted the flap over international gigolo Richard Gere's osculatory battery of Indian actress Shilpa Shetty at a New Dehli AIDS rally, which prompted outraged protestors to set ablaze effigies of the satyr/activist for his public violation of their cherished star. Since we realize that our previous, blockquoted summary of the story was woefully inadequate in fully communicating the intricacies of this complicated matter, we point you to the fine work of Access Hollywood Cultural Analyst William "Billy" Bush, whose deep knowledge of Indian mores allow him to break down the shocking video of the event frame by frame and explain Gere's transgression with Zapruderesque attention to every taboo-violating detail.

On his blog, Access Hollywood's Billy Bush is proudly touting his "get" of the "the first interview with Michael Jackson since he left the United States in June 2005." But as we're sure you already suspect, Jackson wasn't really interested in chatting about his more sensational, recent pursuits involving leprechauns or recreational cross-dressing. Instead, Bush would have to be satisfied with discussing his current musical pursuits, hoping to squeeze in some juicier questions while pretending that samples of "Bad" injected into the thousandth remix of "My Humps" was just the thing to resurrect Jackson's long-dead career:

A tense moment passed between Access Hollywood's Maria Menounos and Big Bird, when the Sesame Street star began to suspect that the reporter's wandering hand was engaged less in the sensual caress that he demanded than in a fumbling search for his rapidly engorging avian member. But an impatient Bird decided to put a quick end to her amateurish attempts at manual stimulation by gently, but firmly, placing a three-fingered hand on her back and guiding her head downward; the tension quickly dissipated as the star finally relaxed and Menounos went about her task, quietly telling herself that the exclusive interview he'd deliver would be worth the temporary discomfort of a face full of yellow feathers.

Last week, entertainment "news" show Access Hollywood reported on its website that incoming CBS evening dominatrix Katie Couric told Access that "she would not venture into the Middle East hot spot," noting that she's a single parent with two children. As talking heads want nothing more than for the viewing public to believe that they are capable of "reporting," this sort of sentiment does not bode well for a network news anchor. But shortly after their story created a stir, Access conceded that the quote had been taken out of context (it was from a May 30 interview and in regards to injured CBS correspondent Kimberly Dozier). The website thus updated their story with Couric's most recent comments on the Middle East, in which she said she would "want to be there."

• A 20-something woman who met Charlie Sheen through his millionairematch.com profile claims that while they dated, the actor asked her to dress up in schoolgirl outfits and wear her hair in pigtails. But he was just doing research for his line of children's clothing, seriously. Sheen Kids, on sale now! [Page Six]
• At the Maxim Hot 100 party, Lindsay Lohan takes the high road and refuses to talk about her firecrotch. [R&M (last item)]
• Everybody joins our cause in hating Mischa Barton and Access Hollywood. [IMDb]
• Russell Crowe desperately kisses ass, having his photo taken with a fan in the middle of his band's performance and leaving a 50% tip at dinner later that night. So that's two people who'll forget about his Mercer incident. Only 20 million more to go. [Page Six]
• The opening of the Jivamukti Yoga School is dominated by horrific celebrity B.O. [Lowdown]

We're going to go ever-so-slightly off our beat for just a moment, because a great cultural injustice has been brought upon the press release-receiving people of the world. You see, Access Hollywood sends daily press releases plugging whatever will be on that night's show. Tonight, it's an interview with O.C. starlet Mischa Barton (who coincidentally used to date charming Brandon Davis). Well, that's nice. Except that the email completely spoils tomorrow night's season finale. IN THE SUBJECT LINE. No warning, no looking away, no escape — if you so much as glance at your inbox, Access is going to fuck up your Thursday.