a-call-to-the-bullpen

This Is Bound To Be Somebody's Fantasy, Right?

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/28/08 06:00PM

On the set of the popular ABC series Ugly Betty, Lindsay Lohan ushered in the next big fad in celebrity fashion: cheerleader outfits. Taking a page out of Heroes star Hayden Panettiere's playbook, Lohan ordered the uniform online and it has been a perfect fit ever since. Lohan said, "People are always on my case about my leggings or not wearing a bra. With this uniform, who's going to bust my shit? It's wholesome. It reminds everybody how awesome their high school experience was. And if you're bored at work, you can cut out my photo and turn me into your fantasy football team's mascot." Lohan explained that she did not want to be any one's scapegoat if their fantasy team lays an egg this season. Lohan added, "It's not my fault that you went with Reggie Bush instead of someone dependable like a Marion Barber."

The King Approves!

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/28/08 03:00PM

King Leonidas, aka Gerard Butler, appeared to be more enthralled by the women of New York City in their summer clothes than the latest and hottest script from Hollywood. Butler said, "I'm sorry, but that girl in the sun dress and that girl with the rolled up Juicy sweatpants that are way more compelling than William Monahan's stab at a romantic comedy." Butler pulled out another script from his messenger bag, but once again became distracted when a group of women exited a nearby Crunch. Butler threw the script back into his bag and promptly left the restaurant. Butler muttered under his breath, "Where does a man have to go to get some reading done in peace? The library? That place smells and it's full of nerds!"

Goldblum Goes In For The Kill

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/28/08 12:50PM

Jazz musician/actor Jeff Goldblum was spotted prowling the urban jungle of Manhattan on Wednesday afternoon. At first, it appeared that the Goldblum had trouble readjusting to the hustle and bustle of the Big Apple. According to onlookers, Goldblum looked pensive while trying to enjoy a cappuccino at a café. The witness said, "It seemed like he was really missing L.A." After leaving the café, however, his frown turned upside down when he began chatting up a young filly. According to another onlooker, Goldblum did not appear to be as pensive as before, adding, "It looked like he was using the old 'I'm new to town' routine and I think it worked."

Vin Diesel Gives The Thumbs Up To 'Babylon A.D.'

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/27/08 06:55PM

Find Me Guilty star Vin Diesel continued to show his support for the latest action opus Babylon A.D. despite the fact that the film's director recently disavowed it. Leaving the TRL studios, Diesel said, "Babylon A.D. isn't some red-headed stepchild that you throw out with the bath water. It's a rip roaring good time with explosions and me and some more explosions. I'm not going to disown it anytime soon. I'll be there on midnight Thursday night. " Diesel expressed a desire to record multiple commentary tracks for the DVD release and has began to brainstorm ideas for the sequel. Before hopping into his limo, Diesel confidentially stated, "I hope we can get Mathieu back for the sequel."

What's With The Stain, Statham?

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/27/08 01:55PM

Movie tough guy Jason Statham is just the latest celebrity to jump on the mystery stain fad. The Death Race star was spotted leaving popular Italian eatery Café Med with a rather large wet spot on the front of his t-shirt. Statham deflected any questions about the stain with the classic grade school defense, "That's for me to know and you to find out." Statham saw that interest in his stain was being to dwindle once he left the restaurant.

Yeah, I Had A Couple Of Energy Drinks To Fight The Jet Lag

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/27/08 11:15AM

At a press conference for the 30 Days of Beauty & Fashion event in Sydney, Australia, actress/model Eva Mendes admitted that she was just the tiniest bit jet lagged from her flight. Mendes told reporters that she has a wonderful aid in fight against her jet leg: energy drinks. Mendes said, "So, right now, my body is telling me that it's Tuesday morning in Los Angeles and I should be asleep, but it's late Wednesday morning here in Sydney and according to most Aussies, I should be up being productive. So, I've had... I don't know how many energy drinks right now, but it's gotten me to the point where my body is feeing like a Tuesday night. I want to say around like 11 pm. I'll be good for a while. I'm not going to do a walkabout, but I could go shopping." Mendes also pointed out that she has an assistant on-call at all times to provide orange slices and a B-12 shot in case she crashes.

A Cyrus Family Birthday: Miley's Treat

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/26/08 06:00PM

Leader of the tween revolution Miley Cyrus could barely hold back her excitement as the entire Cyrus clan headed for an early dinner at a City Wok in Studio City. The famed family rallied together to celebrate Billy Ray's birthday, but sadly, City Wok was not his first choice for a birthday dinner. Billy Ray Cyrus said, "I wanted to go to STK or Chop and get a great big ole steak. But since Miley is the breadwinner in this family, she calls the shots and she picked up City Wok." Miley added, "Egg rolls are going to be super yummers. Happy birthday, Dad!"

Can't A Girl Jog In Peace?

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/26/08 03:20PM

Grey's Anatomy star Katherine Heigl seized a golden opportunity and went out for a jog during Los Angeles's magic hour last night. Once she moved past the smog, traffic snarls, and unsavory characters that lined the streets, the beauty of the city surprised Heigl. However, Heigl could not escape a group of photographers who popped out of bushes, trees, and water fountains as she ran. Heigl stopped mid-stride and asked, "Can't I just work on my fitness without you and your entire posse snappily judging me? I need to get in shape for my man, the rocker. No, not the Rainn Wilson variety. He's more like the John Mayer variety, minus all that Jennifer Aniston bashing. Love her, btw. Now, either let me jog in peace or go fetch me a purple-flavored Vitamin Water from the 7-11."

Russell Crowe, Aussie Street Walker

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/26/08 01:20PM

Master thespian Russell Crowe took to the mean streets of Sydney to research for his latest role: Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute. The exhaustive research Crowe routinely performs for his role has become a therapeutic process for the actor but, for this part, it's also a lot of fun. Crowe said, "I just get to hang out on the corner in the fresh air and putting my finger firmly on the pulse of the city. Sydney is definitely a city of Lil' Wayne fans and people who don't have the good taste to stop when they see a fine piece like me on the street." Crowe then went to great lengths to make the comparison between the constant feelings of rejection that actors and streetwalkers both face. Crowe said, "You have to the thickest skin around to make it in both of these industries, I'll tell you that much."

Trachtenberg Shows Off Latest Purchase From Jake Gyllenhaal Clone Store

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/25/08 05:45PM

Buffy The Vampire Slayer star Michelle Trachtenberg showed off her recent purchase from Malibu's most trendiest new boutique, "Un Jake Pour Vous." The high end boutique's mission is to help women turn their current boyfriend into their own personal Jake Gyllenhaal. Storeowner Maggie Fenech felt that creating a store to help women in making over their man was long overdue. Fenech said, "When I was trying to change my boyfriend's wardrobe after a year of being together, I was running all over the place. Sure, I could've gone online to pick up everything, but you need to touch and feel the fabrics. So, here we are with a store full of Gyllenhaal approved threads and facial hair growth kits."

It Ain't Easy Being Shia

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/25/08 03:20PM

After a grueling day of filming on the set of his latest blockbuster, Shia LaBeouf grabbed the nearest sandbag and decided to take a bit of a disco nap. However, a group of tourists got the shock of their life when they passed by the snoozing star and thought he had fallen asleep in the hot sun without applying any Banana Boat. One bold tourist took it upon himself to check out the status of LaBeouf and poked the Eagle Eye star with the business end of a boom mic. LaBeouf quickly popped up from his siesta muttering something about Ren Stevens before putting up his dukes.

Wouldn't It Be Cool If We All Did This At The Same Time?

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/25/08 11:20AM

Mac Guy Justin Long took a moment out of his undoubtedly busy schedule to chat up with a couple of Mac fanatics over the weekend. The friendly females gushed over Long's performance in Waiting before launching in a diatribe against the iPhone 3G and all of its problems. Long told the ladies that he had no control over that and admitted that he was having problems as well. Looking to change the topic, Long ran his fingers through his hair, which accidentally created a trigger effect with his female fans. Thinking he may have stumbled onto a Pied Pieper like ability, Long then ran his fingers through his mane one more time to see if the women would once again follow suit. He was crushed to learn that it was a one-time only occurence.

Step Aside And Let The Garner Go Through

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/22/08 04:40PM

Pregnant Juno star Jennifer Garner asked if the snappers surrounding her could take about ten big steps back before she entered a medical building. As a woman with child, Garner needs all the space that she can get. Garner added, "I'm showing, not like Minnie Driver showing, but us pregnant women can explode at any moment. And in the best interest of me, you, and your sneakers, let's take a couple of steps back and let move on by."

Does This Make Me Look Tough?

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/22/08 01:15PM

Professional swashbuckler Orlando Bloom attempted to do a fellow New Yorker a solid by standing guard over a motorcycle. The biker had to make a quick stop at a nearby Duane Reade and Bloom gladly offered his watching services. As soon as the man disappeared into the pharmacy, Bloom hopped on the machine and mimed the sounds of speeding away as he pretended that his girlfriend was clutching him around his waist. As Bloom began to shake the bike back and forth, he accidentally caused the kickstand to break, which sent the mean machine crashing to the ground. Bloom quickly ran down the street and into the nearest subway station.

Local Dog Gets Busy With A 'Gossip Girl'

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/22/08 11:55AM

Baloney McCheesestick seized a golden opportunity on Thursday afternoon to get busy with Gossip Girl star Blake Lively. Baloney's parents knew that one of their child's greatest desires was to hump the leg of one of the actresses from the popular CW series. Baloney's mother said, "Whenever we watch the show, Baloney just goes to town on his little sleep pillow." Baloney's father felt that his son's habit had become disturbing, but is optimistic that Baloney's session with Blake Lively's right boot will cure his problem. Baloney's father said, "He's been there, he's done it and, hopefully, it's over. We can only hope that he doesn't get into the new 90210."

America, Is That A Pick Or A Scratch?

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/21/08 05:10PM

Tongues were wagging on the set of Ugly Betty on Thursday morning when bystanders were asked to answer the age-old question: Was that a pick or a scratch? A fistfight nearly broke out at the craft service table between two crew members with differing opinions, but fortunately a makeup artist intervened and restored order to the chaotic situation. The makeup artist said, "Tony, you're right. It's a scratch, but we don't have to knock the hummus over because of it."

We Must Buff The LaBeouf!

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/21/08 02:15PM

In addition to catching an eyeful of Megan Fox upon his return to the Transformers set, Shia LaBeouf also received a very thorough and meticulous ass buffing with an industrial strength feather duster. In the midst of his ass buffing, LaBeouf said, "Michael Bay really knows how to make an actor feel welcomed. At first, it's a weird sensation, but after awhile, it feels like a tiny kitten delightfully romping in a dewy meadow." Although, the first shot of the day was delayed for a couple of moments when the crew realized that LaBeouf enjoyed his buffing a bit too much.

And Just Like That, The Makeover Is Over

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/21/08 12:35PM

Fedora fanatic Samantha Ronson performed her best Al Bundy impression as she tagged along with good friend Lindsay Lohan on yet another shopping trip. Ronson was quick to specify that their shopping trip would not involve any more attempts to make her appear more "girly." As she reflected upon the failure of her recent makeover, Lohan released a disappointed sigh. Lohan said, "I tried. I really did. But it's like they say, you can't teach an old dog new tricks." Ronson quickly quipped back, "Why change horses midstream?" The twosome began to trade old proverbs and quotes from Benjamin Franklin for over ten minutes before they reached a compromise and planned a trip to go sneaker shopping on Fairfax Ave.

Suri Cruise Attempts To Mask Her Contempt For Her Mother's Leggings

Douglas Reinhardt · 08/21/08 11:10AM

Famed celebuspawn Suri Cruise was not in the mood to play a game of 'Peek-A-Boo' outside of a Manhattan area pottery store. In fact, Cruise just wanted to hide together. Katie Holmes quickly asked her daughter what the problem was. Suri simply replied by pointing out her mother's leggings. Holmes said, "I thought you liked them. I mean, it's a lot better than wearing your father's old jeans, right?" Suri shook her head 'no' and asked if her mother thought she was one of those girls on those party photo websites. Holmes began wonder to what had gotten in her daughter, but her thought was quickly interrupted. Suri looked directly into her eyes, "I'm quietly judging your fashion sensibilities. Now, let's go to FAO Schwartz!"