Last year (2015) was by most estimations a “bad year”—when there wasn’t an active shooter on the loose, there was a demagogue riling up xenophobes, a killer cop avoiding indictment, or a new season of True Detective. It was bad. But there’s every reason to believe 2016 will also be bad—if not even worse.
Is Senator Marco Rubio running for president? Is that a stupid question? After all, there he was on stage last week in Las Vegas, speaking more than any candidate besides Cruz (he beat Trump!). He was, according to FiveThirtyEight, the most-attacked Republican candidate, too, which usually indicates frontrunner status. Except Marco Rubio isn’t a frontrunner in any poll, in any primary state; his popularity remains primarily theoretical. Is he actually doing anything to change that?
In a news conference yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin called Donald Trump “a bright and talented person” and “the absolute leader of the presidential race.” Trump loved this, obviously. Today on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, he declared, “When people call you brilliant it’s always good. Especially when the person heads up Russia.” Trump then proceeded to ham-handedly defend his new buddy Putin against accusations that he kills journalists.
Martin O’Malley is now campaigning to be Democrats’ “second choice” for president, which isn’t a thing. But the former governor of Maryland announced his futile goal today in a meeting with House Dems, who have mostly all said they support Hillary Clinton, in an apparent attempt to remind them that he still exists.
At a Democratic presidential debate in Iowa last month, Hillary Clinton was challenged to account for the fact that a large proportion of her campaign fundraising haul has come from the financial sector. She responded with a non sequitur about 9/11. Asked to elaborate, she seemed to argue that her popularity in the finance sector is primarily a result of personal relationships developed in the aftermath of that tragedy in lower Manhattan.
Have you ever interned for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump (or any of the other candidates hoping to grab their party’s 2016 presidential nomination)? Are you currently interning for one of them? If your answer to either question is Yes!, you should dig out the intern manual you were given by the candidate’s staff, scan that sucker in, and email it to us. Anonymity guaranteed.
Bobby Jindal, the Louisiana governor dedicated to making his state’s education system worse, became yet another Republican candidate to drop out of the presidential race on Tuesday. “I’ve come to the realization that this is not my time,” he told Fox News. That’s true. Bobby Jindal’s “time” was six years ago, when a bunch of dumb pundits said he would be the “next Reagan” and the “GOP’s Obama.”
What if I told you that you could lose 15 lbs. in five months with no calorie-counting, treadmills, or embarrassing weigh-ins? You can even eat snacks. All you have to do is work yourself into blindly racist huff one-to-three times per day, and you will see results. Just ask Donald Trump!
It is a fact that Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, like her previous political campaigns, is funded in large part by donations from the finance industry. Bernie Sanders has criticized her for this—or, at least, he has pointed this out, critically. At tonight’s inconveniently scheduled Democratic debate on CBS, Sanders was asked to reiterate that criticism. Clinton’s response was, well, memorable.
Vice President Joe Biden announced in a speech in the White House’s Rose Garden today that he is not running for president. This is a real bummer for the American public, which deserves, if nothing else, more election entertainment. It’s an even bigger bummer for all the pundits and political journalists who confidently reported—with sources and everything—that Biden was going to run.
Scott Walker, a bad governor from Wisconsin, became the second Republican candidate to drop out of the presidential race yesterday. Like Rick Perry, Walker was facing abysmal polling numbers and quickly running out of funds. Also like Perry, he was somehow considered a favorite in the race by certain pundits paid to think about such things.
Rick Perry, a doofus, became the first Republican presidential candidate to drop out of the 2016 race on Friday. After failing to raise enough money to pay his campaign staffers, and faced with the prospect of spending his second nationally televised debate at the equivalent of kids’ table, the former governor of Texas had little choice but to bow out.
After, let’s say, weeks of campaigning, Texas politician Rick Perry (sp?) has apparently dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Few people remember, but this comes almost four years after another “Rick Perry” — a fellow Texan, no less — also dropped out of the race for the Republican nomination. Coincidence?
Running for president doesn’t have to be this hard: Today Donald Trump posted a campaign poster of sorts to Twitter. It features a stylized graphic of the American flag overlaid across Trump’s face, the hashtag #MakeAmericaGreatAgain, a plea to “put the U.S. back into business!” aaaaaaand a stock image of what appears to be war reenactors wearing replica Nazi uniforms.
In 1996, C.J. Phillips met Charlie Rainwater and fell in love, as young self-identified “doggy dudes” do. Now, they’d like to have a polite, civil conversation—about their right to love each other, and anything else that’s vexing you. Which is why they parked a lovely website on the domain jebbushforpresident.com.
For presidential primogeniture artist John Ellis “Jeb” Bush, distancing himself from the family name is only half the battle: He must appear to embrace the youngs as tightly as Napoleon appeared to embraced the plague-stricken poor. Fortunately, his website coders had a plan. The youngs love Bruce Willis, right?
