My goodness. What a night. We wish we could say we managed to get some sleep, but truth be told, we just wandered back in, having spent the last eight hours or so partying at Prince's new mansion—a stunning, 48-room villa he had constructed out of a rare purple travertine found only in Madagascar, which the Demonschlonged One had air-lifted and dropped at its current address of 3121 Mulholland Dr. Apparently, the glitter had yet to fully settle before a minor Oscars controversy erupted: You'll recall when Scott Rudin, whom viewers might have recognized from the classic Goya portrait "Producer Devouring One of His Assistants," closed his Best Picture acceptance speech with a special mention to "my partner, John Barlow. Without you, honey, this is just hardware." His spouse appeared nowhere on the screen—we pictured much mayhem in the control booth, with Gil Cates barking into a headset at a camera operator, "Not Travolta, you fool! Barlow! Check the legend! CHECK THE—oh never mind,"—but it was a tender moment nonetheless. Good As You now notices that the mention has been stricken from the official Academy transcript:

We made it! After months of tooth-gnashing and tuxedo-vest-rending, Hollywood's Greatest Night has arrived, and we're here to capture every significant moment for you, in easy-to-digest, timestamped morsels. We've done everything in our power to make sure that things run smoothly, but as always, mishaps do happen. (We're reminded of the tragic 63rd, when Lorraine Bracco's seat-filler inexplicably caught fire.) On the E! pre-show alone, Jennifer Garner's conversation with Ryan Seacrest was interrupted by a shocking neck-smooch attack perpetrated by a possibly candy-flipping Gary Busey. What cameras didn't capture was the fact that the actor was naked from the waist down. No matter. Garner is quarantined, under observation, and seems OK. And you're in the comfort and safety of your own home, where no slobbery Buseys can ever reach you.

Welcome to Defamer's Fourth Annual Hollywood Christmas Party — aka, our Oscar Liveblog! This year, we'll be splitting our barbed coverage into two robust and equally exciting halves. Seth will be handling the coverage of the (potentially ratings challenged) ceremony itself (separate post to follow at approximately 5:30pm PST), while your Uncle Grambo will be taking the reins for the pre-show. Stick with us, it's gonna be a rip-roarin' old time!
UPDATE (5:30pm): Looking for the Oscar liveblog? Look no further!